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Although not being offensive is an important skill, not being offended is an important skill as well.

• wffurr 7y ago
  When you are communicating to someone, you only control one of those.
  • username90 7y ago
    And when you are listening to someone, you control the other. In a dialogue, both parts has to do a bit of both. Getting offended is basically never a good thing because it stops you from hearing their message. Similarly offending others is basically never a good thing because it stops them from hearing your message. So the best way to communicate is to be liberal with what you accept and strict with what you send out. Also called the robustness principle. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robustness_principle https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robustness_principle
  • cobbzilla 7y ago
    What happens when you are actively trying not to be offensive, trying to empathize and be nice, and yet the other person takes offense? Do you really have control of anything?
    • jmcqk6 7y ago
      You always have control over your own actions, including your reaction when someone takes offence to something you say or do. I've found that if someone is offended, if you react with openness and a willingness to listen to what they are saying, then the outcome will likely be positive. If you are more concerned with defending yourself than listening to the other person, then it's likely the outcome is going to be negative. This isn't rocket science. The problem is that people tend to react defensively. The only utility in such a reaction is a protection of your own ego. The irony is that in attempting to protect your own ego, you just end up making the situation worse, including for yourself. Listening is a superpower.
      • cobbzilla 7y ago
        > You always have control over your own actions I mostly agree, but a safer statement would be “The only thing you can ever have any direct control over is your own actions”. Sleepwalking, inebriation, low blood sugar, hypoxia — these can all lead to degradation or total loss of conscious control of one’s actions. For many people, there are many other triggers, and some of these triggers are even less physiologically driven than the above. Knowing one’s own limitations is also important.
      • baked_ziti 7y ago
        > You always have control over your own actions By your logic the person who is offended has it entirely within their power not to be offended. Since in this scenario they are the one having the more extreme emotional reaction, perhaps it would be more reasonable to ask that they regulate their emotions to some degree, rather than criticize the way in which the person absorbing the brunt of their emotional onslaught does so. > This isn't rocket science. That's a bit condescending. > The problem is that people tend to react defensively I really don't think it is.
        • deleted 7y ago
          [deleted]
    • wffurr 7y ago
      You can control your reaction and use it as a learning opportunity. Do you really have control of anything? Maybe not, but you have to at least assume so or become a passive participant in life.
• brontide 7y ago
  Lukianoff and Haidt's "The Coddling of the American Mind" is a great read on exactly this idea (not being offended as a skill) and the impact of an easily offended society. Ultimately, there's a line between offensiveness and empathy that requires judgement in order to get things done.