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You have to realize everyone is coming from different backgrounds with different communication styles. I think of it as everyone has a different "volume" that t
by asdfman123 7y ago
You have to realize everyone is coming from different backgrounds with different communication styles. I think of it as everyone has a different "volume" that they listen at.
Some people grew up in families that were more confrontational, and they're at a higher volume. They're comfortable with more confrontational communication styles.
For others, from quieter backgrounds, if someone says, "Why the hell did you do it this way?" it's going to be a slap in the face because, hey, no one in my family talks to me that way, and I'm not going to let YOU do it. It comes across as very, very hostile.
I think everyone though should learn to communicate non-aggressively, though, because it suits the needs of most people. When you start doing it it feels weird or passive aggressive, but you get used to it and it leads to much less friction.
There are some people who might argue "the quieter types need to be less sensitive" but that's not how it works. If I'm a quieter type (and I am), I'm going to leave the company instead of have people yell at me, or it's going to severely affect my productivity.
And honestly, I question if any team can really thrive in a very aggressive environment, where it becomes more about ego and dominance that the quality of ideas at the table. Google did a study that showed the only factor that determined how well a team did was feelings of psychological safety, and a huge part of that is just talking to each other respectfully.
- concordDance 7y agoFor some people (such as myself), hearing very formal commentary makes me feel very psychologicall unsafe. I'd much rather an angry rant because it feels like it's coming from someone who is my equal, rather than a representative of The Company who can ruin me.
- asdfman123 7y agoI don't think it has to be that dramatic. The key is just avoiding the word "you" and not using laden words like "stupid" and "shitty." You're still free to say stuff like: ---------------- "I really fundamentally disagree with this approach and know it will lead to problems done the road. Let's talk through it in person." Or "If we do this maintaining it in the future could be really hard. I veto it." Or "This isn't going to work with our XYZ system. Please fix that and submit it again." ---------------- You can say a lot of things rather directly that way. You DON'T need to say things like: ---------------- "This is a f*ING awful idea!" Or "What were you thinking?" Or "This is horrible. Don't check in crap to our code base, think through things first." ---------------- Is it too great of an imposition to ask people to phrase things the first way? Honest question.
- stevens32 7y agoThis direct approach sounds really good, but seems dependent on having a certain personality to pull off without sounding aggressive. For those with low EQ, a shit sandwich is just easier to execute.
- zbentley 7y agoThen fix the low EQ, aka "not good at working with others". That's not the person beibg reviewed's fault.
- asdfman123 7y agoIt's not a personality. It's just posture. Just relax your body, and speak softly. It's actually quite simple. Relax, speak softly, literally just avoid the word "you" (it makes a difference), avoid loaded words. Be direct and be kind. That's it. I can't be convinced that software engineers, who can learn incredible amounts of technical details in a limited amount of time, can't learn that too. It's just a habit. Difficult to form, maybe, but good once you form it.