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The other thing that sometimes irks me is the social lubricating that "How are you?", "Good, how are you?" entails. I know people really don't care usually but

The other thing that sometimes irks me is the social lubricating that "How are you?", "Good, how are you?" entails. I know people really don't care usually but I do care how someone is - are they happy in the present moment, are they present, what is interesting in their life... I've managed to auto-pilot myself responding and have optimized at times to "Good, yourself?". It's almost as bad as Chuck Palahniuk's saying that people only ask about our weekend so they can tell us about their weekend. I think it is a necessary bare minimum for small talk though. And, I've gone into the dark side, I've started talking about the weather. It makes me wonder - at the canned responses - we all give out - how much of conversation can be on auto-pilot. I'm fascinated with conversational dynamics as I loathe to be the person who gets the group into a reverse tizzy, all pauses and nervous drink fondling. I think a lot of awkward conversations are auto-pilot as well. And the thing, for me, that distinguishes true, great conversations is their back-and-forth and seeming lack of cruise control. And I do find I can get a reasonable proxy for intelligent discussion that I can't get everyday through chatting (via IM) my good friends who are far away or HN. I do believe everyone has a few signature stories - if I get one out of a new acquaintance - I feel I've done my best - to be social. A friend from a foreign country noted that we say "Thank you" so much in America it seems to lose its true value. Do we really need to say "Thank you" if a server refills our water glass? It seems to lessen the value of two words when someone does an unexpected favor. "Thank you" for reading this.:)

wladimir 16y ago
Yes, I noticed that in the time I was in England. Everyone was asking 'how are you', even the clerks at the supermarket. This bothered me at first because I wasn't used to it, and it is kind of nonsense to ask that to a random person, especially if you're in a hurry to help the next client. Then again, it's a pre-programmed courtesy expecting a pre-canned reponse. Once you get used to it it bothers less...
- JoeAltmaier 16y ago
  I learned that in Thailand the greeting is "Where you going?" The polite response is "Oh, nowhere". In fact if asked "How are you?" you will get a detailed response.
deleted 16y ago
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randallsquared 16y ago
A friend from a foreign country noted that we say "Thank you" so much in America it seems to lose its true value. Do we really need to say "Thank you" if a server refills our water glass? It seems to lessen the value of two words when someone does an unexpected favor. I've never heard the idea that you should only thank someone for unexpected or surprising actions, until now, but I think the surprise component is carried by tone, when present. What would you say instead when a server refills your glass, to avoid the otherwise implicit rudeness?
- wallflower 16y ago
  > What would you say instead when a server refills your glass, to avoid the otherwise implicit rudeness? I've started memorizing Thank You in various languages. I now almost always use a non-English thank you with a smile to indicate. And every once in a while, the server lights up if it was their native language or home country.
jamesbritt 16y ago
' Do we really need to say "Thank you" if a server refills our water glass? ' Yes. The server is human being, not a robot. Small social graces go a long way in maintaining a civil society. (And we should be saying, "please", as well.) "It seems to lessen the value of two words when someone does an unexpected favor." In those cases you can add more oomph to your voice, or say "Thank you very, very much!"

wladimir 16y ago

Yes, I noticed that in the time I was in England. Everyone was asking 'how are you', even the clerks at the supermarket. This bothered me at first because I wasn't used to it, and it is kind of nonsense to ask that to a random person, especially if you're in a hurry to help the next client. Then again, it's a pre-programmed courtesy expecting a pre-canned reponse. Once you get used to it it bothers less...

JoeAltmaier 16y ago
I learned that in Thailand the greeting is "Where you going?" The polite response is "Oh, nowhere". In fact if asked "How are you?" you will get a detailed response.

deleted 16y ago

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randallsquared 16y ago

A friend from a foreign country noted that we say "Thank you" so much in America it seems to lose its true value. Do we really need to say "Thank you" if a server refills our water glass? It seems to lessen the value of two words when someone does an unexpected favor. I've never heard the idea that you should only thank someone for unexpected or surprising actions, until now, but I think the surprise component is carried by tone, when present. What would you say instead when a server refills your glass, to avoid the otherwise implicit rudeness?

wallflower 16y ago
> What would you say instead when a server refills your glass, to avoid the otherwise implicit rudeness? I've started memorizing Thank You in various languages. I now almost always use a non-English thank you with a smile to indicate. And every once in a while, the server lights up if it was their native language or home country.

jamesbritt 16y ago

' Do we really need to say "Thank you" if a server refills our water glass? ' Yes. The server is human being, not a robot. Small social graces go a long way in maintaining a civil society. (And we should be saying, "please", as well.) "It seems to lessen the value of two words when someone does an unexpected favor." In those cases you can add more oomph to your voice, or say "Thank you very, very much!"