I have social anxiety disorder. My mental health has gotten worse since starting a new job with 100% pairing. I don't want to pair every day and I try to bring

I have social anxiety disorder. My mental health has gotten worse since starting a new job with 100% pairing. I don't want to pair every day and I try to bring up that I would like to pair less but it does no good. I say hey I would like to pair less and the response is always "how can we make pairing better"? No one cares that I actually don't want to pair. I have gone from having panic attacks once every few months to weekly. I assume I will get fired at some point over this. No one at works likes me. Some dislike me but most are indifferent. At my last job I had a few people I was friends with. My wife wants to have kids but I don't think it would be at all responsible with my mental health the way it is to have kids. Shit sucks. I have a great relationship with my wife and with my parents. I grew up in an upper middle class family in a stable home. I was never bullied. SSRIS makes me super tired, to the point I fall asleep when taking them. I am already low energy, so with SSRI's it is completely unworkable. Besides I feel like a zombie on them. I am a runner, am not overweight, and have a good diet. Still energy levels are low. My most happy time is my daily run. I went to 2 different therapists like 2 years ago. I left both of them because it felt like I was paying for someone to pretend to care and they didn't care about me at all. It is probably not at all true, but my brain views stuff this way. I should go to therapy again, but I live in America. I am scared they will put me on some kind of list, either government or employee blacklist if I do. Also it is expensive and I am terrified of being fired and becoming homeless. I often write long messages like this, send it, and then panic about it hours or days later and delete them. There are random people at work that for whatever reason my brain got scared of and I can't even look at them. This makes things super awkward, because they just think I am an ass. I don't actually not like them, my brain just panics seeing them. They weren't mean to me or anything. My goal is to get into a top company, save a lot so I can retire or withstand any worsening in my mental health. I get panic attacks in about a third of job interviews. I felt like I was fairly close to getting into one of the faangs, but my anxiety made me preform worse than I should. I will probably try to again, but the interview circuit isn't that fun when you are guaranteed to get a panic attack. I feel like I am in the mental health closet like gay people used to have to be in the closet. I am not a danger to anyone. I wouldn't hurt a fly. I am just not as pleasant to be around as someone with no mental health issues.