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It sounds like your parent is explaining why their version of empathy looks like pedantry to others. I'm not sure "be empathetic, not pedantic" is helpful. S/he

It sounds like your parent is explaining why their version of empathy looks like pedantry to others. I'm not sure "be empathetic, not pedantic" is helpful. S/he already has enough self-awareness to recognize that that is what others expect from him/her.

Espressosaurus 7y ago
The parent's version of empathy is pedantry and solely focused on forcing the person they're talking to to explain themselves and their thought process. It's pretty off-putting when done in the wrong way and especially at the wrong time. Understanding someone's thoughts is but one part of empathy however. Another, arguably more important part of empathy (at least when talking about interpersonal relationships) is identifying how the other person feels, and in that, meticulously picking apart their opinions is probably not helping. In fact, it's probably hurting. That the parent is highlighting sexual assault as where this line of questioning breaks down is indicative they haven't fully internalized the lesson: it applies everywhere, to everyone. There are times and places and people and topics for whom picking apart the argument is a good thing. There are also times and places and people and topics where that doesn't apply. It differs person to person and topic to topic. It means we need to empathize with the people we're talking to and recognize the boundaries and when we're getting into non-productive territory. I occasionally hang out with non-engineer hippies, and they don't get in these kinds of arguments (they get into different arguments). They're much more about feeling what the other person feels, and supporting them in their feelings, with maybe some edging around on solutions. I still struggle with the need to pick apart the problem and try to solve it. Frequently, that is not what the other person is interested in at that time. Often enough, they've already attempted most of those lines of attack and they're just venting. Sometimes we just need to be empathetic, sympathetic, and supportive.
- zozbot234 7y ago
  > I still struggle with the need to pick apart the problem and try to solve it. ... Often enough, they've already attempted most of those lines of attack Yeah, I could see how that might be rather annoying - "dude, I've already tried those things you're telling me about - why the f--k would you assume I didn't? Now you've hurt my feelings, too! Please, just go away."

Espressosaurus 7y ago

The parent's version of empathy is pedantry and solely focused on forcing the person they're talking to to explain themselves and their thought process. It's pretty off-putting when done in the wrong way and especially at the wrong time. Understanding someone's thoughts is but one part of empathy however. Another, arguably more important part of empathy (at least when talking about interpersonal relationships) is identifying how the other person feels, and in that, meticulously picking apart their opinions is probably not helping. In fact, it's probably hurting. That the parent is highlighting sexual assault as where this line of questioning breaks down is indicative they haven't fully internalized the lesson: it applies everywhere, to everyone. There are times and places and people and topics for whom picking apart the argument is a good thing. There are also times and places and people and topics where that doesn't apply. It differs person to person and topic to topic. It means we need to empathize with the people we're talking to and recognize the boundaries and when we're getting into non-productive territory. I occasionally hang out with non-engineer hippies, and they don't get in these kinds of arguments (they get into different arguments). They're much more about feeling what the other person feels, and supporting them in their feelings, with maybe some edging around on solutions. I still struggle with the need to pick apart the problem and try to solve it. Frequently, that is not what the other person is interested in at that time. Often enough, they've already attempted most of those lines of attack and they're just venting. Sometimes we just need to be empathetic, sympathetic, and supportive.

zozbot234 7y ago
> I still struggle with the need to pick apart the problem and try to solve it. ... Often enough, they've already attempted most of those lines of attack Yeah, I could see how that might be rather annoying - "dude, I've already tried those things you're telling me about - why the f--k would you assume I didn't? Now you've hurt my feelings, too! Please, just go away."