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> Felix, you always leave your dirty socks on the floor! It’s disgusting! Clean this up before you do anything else. Obviously Felix is going to respond bad to

> Felix, you always leave your dirty socks on the floor! It’s disgusting! Clean this up before you do anything else. Obviously Felix is going to respond bad to the first example because it's a demand. Someone forcing you to do something is never welcomed. > 1. Observe Facts] Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table, [2. Note Feelings] I feel irritated because [3. Uncover Desires] I want more order in the rooms that we share in common - [4. Make Requests] would you be willing to put your socks in the washing machine? Assuming this is told with a calm voice, it won't transmit the same urgency as the first one. You are expressing that you are irritated with your words but your voice is not saying the same so Felix could assume is not as terrible as your words tell. In my opinion, the real difference is just in the request; you are requesting something not demanding it and it makes it less aggressive.

reportgunner 7y ago
There also might be other reasons to why Felix does this that you didn't think about. Maybe you use the washing machine every single day and Felix is just tired to race with you to get it first and just gives up. This way you leave room for your own errors which is very important.
el_benhameen 7y ago
This may just be something that I’m sensitive to, but the “you always” part of the first statement immediately puts me in a hostile posture. I start thinking of counterarguments to the fact that was asserted (“I picked up my socks just yesterday!”), and the generality of “always” makes it difficult to come to a tangible resolution—if the collection of past transgressions is the real problem, there isn’t a way to fix them. I think a lot of the power of the second statement comes from the fact that it primarily addresses _this_ instance of the problem, which takes away any incentive to argue with the fact asserted (the socks plainly are on the floor) and makes the path to a resolution much more straightforward: I’m sorry for leaving these socks on the floor; I’ll pick them up, and yes, I’d be happy to put them in the machine in the future.
WA 7y ago
I agree. And now assume the latter sentence is told in an aggressive voice. Does it really make a difference? Furthermore: What if this is a parent-child relationship and the kid actually should put the socks in the washing machine? The answer "no" would not be acceptable. So the outcome for the parent is either inacceptible, or the fact that the parent doesn't accept a "no" for an answer will make him/her voice this in a way that still feels "violent".

reportgunner 7y ago

There also might be other reasons to why Felix does this that you didn't think about. Maybe you use the washing machine every single day and Felix is just tired to race with you to get it first and just gives up. This way you leave room for your own errors which is very important.

el_benhameen 7y ago

This may just be something that I’m sensitive to, but the “you always” part of the first statement immediately puts me in a hostile posture. I start thinking of counterarguments to the fact that was asserted (“I picked up my socks just yesterday!”), and the generality of “always” makes it difficult to come to a tangible resolution—if the collection of past transgressions is the real problem, there isn’t a way to fix them. I think a lot of the power of the second statement comes from the fact that it primarily addresses _this_ instance of the problem, which takes away any incentive to argue with the fact asserted (the socks plainly are on the floor) and makes the path to a resolution much more straightforward: I’m sorry for leaving these socks on the floor; I’ll pick them up, and yes, I’d be happy to put them in the machine in the future.

WA 7y ago

I agree. And now assume the latter sentence is told in an aggressive voice. Does it really make a difference? Furthermore: What if this is a parent-child relationship and the kid actually should put the socks in the washing machine? The answer "no" would not be acceptable. So the outcome for the parent is either inacceptible, or the fact that the parent doesn't accept a "no" for an answer will make him/her voice this in a way that still feels "violent".