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Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”. For example: “Apples
by rm_-rf_slash 7y ago
Huh, my fiancée and I developed a system years ago that approximates this approach by replacing statements with what we call “food codes”.
For example: “Applesauce” is equivalent to “I can’t hear you”, or “speak up” or “stop mumbling”.
“Applesauce Factory” means “I can’t hear you because you are too far away or something noisy is making it hard to hear you” - very convenient verbal shorthand for when it’s too noisy to say all of that at once.
“Soufflé” - “I need to introvert for a while” (similar to how a soufflé needs delicacy and time to settle)
“Crockpot” - “I need to focus on work and I cannot be interrupted for anything less than an emergency” (similar to how a crockpot won’t work if you keep opening the lid over and over)
We settled on using foods because they are inherently neutral (we don’t pick foods we dislike to code for obvious reasons), and sometimes correspond to their meaning (like crockpot).
Another way to look at it is that we define functions with food codes that handle the messy, “violent” (to use TFA’s language) communication so that we understand what we are trying to convey, but at execution time we only call the function itself, not the code inside, so the language that could otherwise inadvertently hurt feelings is unspoken, even though it is still clearly expressed, but in a manner that doesn’t invoke negative reactions.
The biggest advantage of this system is that we can say things directly without accidentally hurting feelings or dancing around the topic to avoid accidentally hurting feelings. Feel free to utilize this in your own relationships. I’d never heard of anything like this before starting it and it has worked wonders for us.
- ryanwaggoner 7y agolol, this is amazing.
- jxcl 7y agoCan you give some examples of how you use this? Do you use the words by themselves? If your partner is being overbearing and annoying do you just say “soufflé” and they stop talking?
- rm_-rf_slash 7y agoSo if the washer/dryer is on (which is in the kitchen) and one of us is in the kitchen and the other is not, and someone starts talking, nobody can hear so its a reflexive “applesauce factory”, which means at least one person has to move closer to the other so they can hear clearly. Soufflé is typically said like “I’ve had a rough day and I’m peopled-out. I need to soufflé”. “Sure! I’ll let our friends know that it’s just me coming to hang out tonight. Let me know if you want me to pick up something for you on the way back.” Sometimes they’re more immediate. “Oatmeal” means “stop biting your nails, the sound really bothers me.” I’ll just say that when she is doing that and she stops. Sometimes it’s actually quite funny because it starts involuntarily and as soon as I say it she realizes what she’s doing and slams her hand back down to the steering wheel (it seems to happen a lot when driving, although not as often anymore in general). Another, like oatmeal, that was so useful it was effectively discontinued, is “salsa.” For whatever reason, there was a period of time that I interspaced the word “like” a lot as I spoke, so she would say “salsa” when I did it and I became conscious of it and stopped. Eventually I stopped saying it altogether.
- jxcl 7y agoThis sounds like an awesome method of communication! Thanks for explaining.
- johnm 7y agoFantastic! I'm so happy that's working for you. One of things that's missing in this is that the parties involved actually intend to work together. As is clear from the various threads of discussion to this post, people react based on their underlying (dis)trust of the intent of the other party. That's why this is experienced by many folks emotionally as "passive-aggressive" manipulation.
- visarga 7y agoA similar effect would be possible when using baby-talk. It allows you to say something without instigating defensive reactions. > “would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?” Would be: "Baby, I'm so hungry and I can't find anything to eat. I couldn't find the food I had in the fridge. What should I do?" Only works when you can code switch from regular language to baby language which is 'non violent' by design.