4 ms·

I was bullied badly as a child and am permanently suicidal, with no trusting relationships and failed life: homeless, mentally ruined, no career, assets, accomp

I was bullied badly as a child and am permanently suicidal, with no trusting relationships and failed life: homeless, mentally ruined, no career, assets, accomplishment, etc. It’s to the point where, decades after having said to self “people are shit and I don’t want to be alive anymore” as a child, I turned down a million dollar inheritance to keep close to a permanently suicidal self-imposed destiny. It’s difficult to say how much was due to the bullying, but I do think of these horrible memories daily and have done so for a long time. Perhaps my life would have turned out similarly even without such traumatic childhood events. Then again, I’m a pretty cynical person who simply doesn’t give a shit about being alive, due to believing people are consistently low quality in seemingly all walks of life. The bullies from my childhood, on the other hand, have successful, normal lives. As I recall, the bullying occurred at school as a child, at university, at work, and in public by strangers has occurred consistently in any walk of life Bullying seems to be a valid filtering process, as I was the weaker genetic offspring who correspondingly didn’t procreate. Meanwhile, I’ve spent decades immersed in disdain for my own species and self.

wallace_f 7y ago
I'm sorry about these experiences. I also experienced a mix of bullying that became worse as I became an adult. I would caution you about your conclusion that it is the weak who get bullied. While this may be true many times, it is certainly not universal. Korolev is perhaps the greatest engineer of the 20th century and he was bullied nearly to death... As an adult.
mywittyname 7y ago
> The bullies from my childhood, on the other hand, have successful, normal lives. There's a book called Ginger Kid which does a good job at highlighting this phenomena. The author discusses at length how the kids who made his life hell as a child went on to be respected professionals. For example, a guy who pulled a razor on him in school is now a famous rapper. I'm sure it had some lasting effects on him, as now he's a comedian who's notable for his humiliation of audience members who heckle or distract him.
reduceacc 7y ago
There's every reason to be negative and cynical when you've had experiences like yours which also shape the lens of your current interactions. In saying that, I don't believe it's popular in HN but you might find some usefulness in lectures by Dr. Jordan Peterson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSZQjMesALM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSZQjMesALM - why everything you do matters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8 - advice for people with depression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui2MGEdBL2A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui2MGEdBL2A I picked out three of these that I think give a decent overflow on some of his central ideas. Some people view his videos for different reasons, like commentary on cultural war issues in the west, or his studies into the societal causes of authoritarianism. However, many are mainly interested in his lectures on how you can start to claw back some meaning in your life by focusing on adding a little order to small things, and then increasing that little by little over time. There's no suggestions to abandon medicine if it can help you, or to avoid professionals who can assist you in this. Rather than taking the usual self-help route of trying to lead with saying how awesome life is, his writings often explore the reasons people can rationally come to the conclusion that life is meaningless suffering and that we should instead pursue pleasure at all costs because of it. Despite appearing rational on the surface, he then goes on to explore how that can actually lead to an empty vessel of a human experience. By focusing on restoring order a little a time, it's thought that you can reduce suffering just a little, and that despite the nihilistic thoughts, reducing suffering can only be a good thing for both you and anyone you connect with. There's a big focus on mythology and literature (pinocchio, peter pan etc), but it's usually a mechanism to convey the wisdom they try to distill. I wish you well in finding some meaning, it can be a long journey without help and hopefully the videos provide a starting point.
etagobla 7y ago
I think it's incredibly mature of you to realize this and accept it without the anger towards women that is so common among young men these days.
- javelinaway 7y ago
  It's not mature of him. Bullying is not a valid filtering process; it's childish violence. He's clearly still dealing with the lies he was told by the people around him. If you have this sort of self-hating perspective, you should seek therapy, because you don't have to live that way.

wallace_f 7y ago

I'm sorry about these experiences. I also experienced a mix of bullying that became worse as I became an adult. I would caution you about your conclusion that it is the weak who get bullied. While this may be true many times, it is certainly not universal. Korolev is perhaps the greatest engineer of the 20th century and he was bullied nearly to death... As an adult.

mywittyname 7y ago

> The bullies from my childhood, on the other hand, have successful, normal lives. There's a book called Ginger Kid which does a good job at highlighting this phenomena. The author discusses at length how the kids who made his life hell as a child went on to be respected professionals. For example, a guy who pulled a razor on him in school is now a famous rapper. I'm sure it had some lasting effects on him, as now he's a comedian who's notable for his humiliation of audience members who heckle or distract him.

reduceacc 7y ago

There's every reason to be negative and cynical when you've had experiences like yours which also shape the lens of your current interactions. In saying that, I don't believe it's popular in HN but you might find some usefulness in lectures by Dr. Jordan Peterson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSZQjMesALM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSZQjMesALM - why everything you do matters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c9Uu5eILZ8 - advice for people with depression https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui2MGEdBL2A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui2MGEdBL2A I picked out three of these that I think give a decent overflow on some of his central ideas. Some people view his videos for different reasons, like commentary on cultural war issues in the west, or his studies into the societal causes of authoritarianism. However, many are mainly interested in his lectures on how you can start to claw back some meaning in your life by focusing on adding a little order to small things, and then increasing that little by little over time. There's no suggestions to abandon medicine if it can help you, or to avoid professionals who can assist you in this. Rather than taking the usual self-help route of trying to lead with saying how awesome life is, his writings often explore the reasons people can rationally come to the conclusion that life is meaningless suffering and that we should instead pursue pleasure at all costs because of it. Despite appearing rational on the surface, he then goes on to explore how that can actually lead to an empty vessel of a human experience. By focusing on restoring order a little a time, it's thought that you can reduce suffering just a little, and that despite the nihilistic thoughts, reducing suffering can only be a good thing for both you and anyone you connect with. There's a big focus on mythology and literature (pinocchio, peter pan etc), but it's usually a mechanism to convey the wisdom they try to distill. I wish you well in finding some meaning, it can be a long journey without help and hopefully the videos provide a starting point.

etagobla 7y ago

I think it's incredibly mature of you to realize this and accept it without the anger towards women that is so common among young men these days.

javelinaway 7y ago
It's not mature of him. Bullying is not a valid filtering process; it's childish violence. He's clearly still dealing with the lies he was told by the people around him. If you have this sort of self-hating perspective, you should seek therapy, because you don't have to live that way.