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Relationships develop through the escalating exchange of mutual vulnerability. A few people commented that I seemed to make friends very easily, so I started pa

by pgt 7y ago

Relationships develop through the escalating exchange of mutual vulnerability. A few people commented that I seemed to make friends very easily, so I started paying attention to my interactions with strangers. I noticed that I enjoyed sharing vulnerable anecdotes with people before inquiring about their own, e.g. dates gone wrong from the night before. Sure, sometimes I put my foot in my mouth, but people seem to like that and trust me more for it. When I started researching how friendships are forged, this was on the button.

mruts 7y ago
One of the best way to make coworkers friends is to talk about drugs you’ve done. Now that you have mutual comprimate it will be very difficult for one of you to fuck the other without it backfiring. Another good way is to hang out with the smokers, even if you don’t smoke. I’ve noticed that people smoking together is a nexus of power, especially if a higher up or the CEO does it.
- pgt 7y ago
  Beware of doing this, as it can easily backfire when abused by HR. Stick to exchanging stories that could not be deemed to have an impact on your job, or explain bad performance.
  - Loq 7y ago
    This is true, but ... ... you can analyse this in a different way: think long term! The more successful you are in your job, the more you will bump into the same people again and again later, sometimes a decade later. Somebody else abused your trust by talking to HR, hence you could decide on the simple policy of never trusting them again, and cut them out of your high-trust network. Some fail your trust-related tests, some pass. Use this information wisely. (Note that an alternative policy is not being too history-sensitive, and let bygones be bygones.)
  - oillio 7y ago
    That defeats the point of the exercise. The fact that the information could be damaging is what makes it powerful.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
Normal_gaussian 7y ago
There is an art to presenting vulnerability; to not diminish yourself whilst doing so. It not only improves your own outlook on yourself but helps prevent others using it against you, all whilst still being open and truthful. Its hard.
- Loq 7y ago
  Could you give an example? The most popular trust-creation mechanism for adults seems to be getting drunk together, which reliably leads to little infractions, which every witness has the choice to exploit or not. The latter option engenders trust. "I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally. The most successful startup that I worked for even asked "What's your favourite beer?" when they interviewed me for a programmer position, and when I asked by this was of interest, they said they took their after work drinking sessions pretty seriously, and "don't want to work with people they can't have fun with". As somebody who doesn't enjoy being drunk, this was difficult for me to adapt to.
  - tracker1 7y ago
    My answer to that question: "Whiskey" As to the drinking after work... I think it's appropriate to set boundaries. I only drink a handful of times a year but will participate in some activities including outside work hours, I also don't have more than a single drink if I'm going to drive within a couple hours. Also, get two non-alcoholic drinks or glasses of water per alcoholic beverage, could pretty much stay close to sober all evening when I was in my 20s by doing that. In the end, it's about striking a balance of being sociable without being irresponsible at the same time.
    - Loq 7y ago
      I agree with you, in that pretending to drink (e.g Tonic instead of Gin & Tonic) is probably what a lot of us do, and the obvious way out. But the point of drinking is not really being sociable, but making yourself vulnerable. Vulnerability and exploitability is the foundation of trust. By staying sober one undermines one of the core trust formation mechanism: by remaining sober and responsible, you avoid creating exploitable vulnerabilities that others can but don't exploit -- I trust X because X can exploit my being vulnerable w.r.t. Y me, but doesn't. Note also that pretending to drink feels a bit like cheating to me: I'm actively deceiving others. I wish I could live my life without deceit.

by pgt 7y ago

mruts 7y ago

One of the best way to make coworkers friends is to talk about drugs you’ve done. Now that you have mutual comprimate it will be very difficult for one of you to fuck the other without it backfiring. Another good way is to hang out with the smokers, even if you don’t smoke. I’ve noticed that people smoking together is a nexus of power, especially if a higher up or the CEO does it.

pgt 7y ago
Beware of doing this, as it can easily backfire when abused by HR. Stick to exchanging stories that could not be deemed to have an impact on your job, or explain bad performance.
- Loq 7y ago
  This is true, but ... ... you can analyse this in a different way: think long term! The more successful you are in your job, the more you will bump into the same people again and again later, sometimes a decade later. Somebody else abused your trust by talking to HR, hence you could decide on the simple policy of never trusting them again, and cut them out of your high-trust network. Some fail your trust-related tests, some pass. Use this information wisely. (Note that an alternative policy is not being too history-sensitive, and let bygones be bygones.)
- oillio 7y ago
  That defeats the point of the exercise. The fact that the information could be damaging is what makes it powerful.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

Normal_gaussian 7y ago

There is an art to presenting vulnerability; to not diminish yourself whilst doing so. It not only improves your own outlook on yourself but helps prevent others using it against you, all whilst still being open and truthful. Its hard.

Loq 7y ago
Could you give an example? The most popular trust-creation mechanism for adults seems to be getting drunk together, which reliably leads to little infractions, which every witness has the choice to exploit or not. The latter option engenders trust. "I don't trust someone that I didn't get drunk with" is a sentiment I've heard repeatedly, both privately and professionally. The most successful startup that I worked for even asked "What's your favourite beer?" when they interviewed me for a programmer position, and when I asked by this was of interest, they said they took their after work drinking sessions pretty seriously, and "don't want to work with people they can't have fun with". As somebody who doesn't enjoy being drunk, this was difficult for me to adapt to.
- tracker1 7y ago
  My answer to that question: "Whiskey" As to the drinking after work... I think it's appropriate to set boundaries. I only drink a handful of times a year but will participate in some activities including outside work hours, I also don't have more than a single drink if I'm going to drive within a couple hours. Also, get two non-alcoholic drinks or glasses of water per alcoholic beverage, could pretty much stay close to sober all evening when I was in my 20s by doing that. In the end, it's about striking a balance of being sociable without being irresponsible at the same time.
  - Loq 7y ago
    I agree with you, in that pretending to drink (e.g Tonic instead of Gin & Tonic) is probably what a lot of us do, and the obvious way out. But the point of drinking is not really being sociable, but making yourself vulnerable. Vulnerability and exploitability is the foundation of trust. By staying sober one undermines one of the core trust formation mechanism: by remaining sober and responsible, you avoid creating exploitable vulnerabilities that others can but don't exploit -- I trust X because X can exploit my being vulnerable w.r.t. Y me, but doesn't. Note also that pretending to drink feels a bit like cheating to me: I'm actively deceiving others. I wish I could live my life without deceit.