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Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women. A couple years ago my wife asked for a divorce (we are still married but separated). It was very m

Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women. A couple years ago my wife asked for a divorce (we are still married but separated). It was very much a wake up call that I was very dependent upon her emotionally and I had neglected my other friendships. I did two things. I invested myself in some old friends from high school and college, but as none of them are living in my city, I realized that I really needed to invest in new friends. Several friends that I did have were runners, and they suggested that I join one or two local running clubs which I did. I wasn't and am still not a "runner", but now I have so many friends I don't know what to do with myself. I am I'm as happy as I've ever been in terms of having friends with whom to socialize. There are presumably clubs like that in every city. Obviously would help to be a runner, but like I said, I am not. I run for social reasons not because I enjoy it. Another interesting thing with socializing in middle-age is that 4/5 of my friends now are women. I think that's because women make better friends. They are more outgoing. They are more emotionally aware. They're more willing to invest in friendships. I think guy friendships are harder because of social expectations of of what a male friendship is - especially if like me you don't enjoy drinking or spectator sports.

orasis 7y ago
So much this! I am happily married but my wife understands that I tend to connect better with female friends than males. It took some time for me to reject the social taboo of a married male hanging out with platonic women friends but I’ve been so much happier for it.
- intrasight 7y ago
  I don't think there is a social taboo - I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. I've found that if you are clear that you just want to be friends then there is no discomfort, and they will treat you nearly exactly the same as they treat there female friends. They will share their feelings, their concerns, their aspirations. That what needs to happen to be good friends. And you need to share also! Oh, and be prepared for lots of these friends sending signals that they would like to be more than friends. How you handle that is obviously up to you.
  - hamandcheese 7y ago
    > Oh, and be prepared for lots of these friends sending signals that they would like to be more than friends. How you handle that is obviously up to you. That’s exactly why it’s difficult. This doesn’t happen with my male friends.
    - intrasight 7y ago
      Oh, it can happen with male friends too ;) In my case at the moment I am still married so I have that shield. I will lose that when I get divorced.
  - scarface74 7y ago
    The issue with having “platonic” female friends is that it can easily lead to emotionally infidelity and trust issues anytime there is a hint of any issues with your marriage. Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough without bringing in that complication. My only female friends these days are married and we are “couple friends”.
    - intrasight 7y ago
      You reach an age (I have) where that's just no longer an issue.
    - orasis 7y ago
      This may be good advice in general but it’s not a problem for us. I have a pretty good radar for when emotional intimacy starts to cross a line and I’m comfortable communicating boundaries.
  - nickfromseattle 7y ago
    > I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. It's pretty interesting to think that men and women being friends is a very recent phenomenon, maybe starting in the 70s. Before then, you got married at 19 or a similarly young age, and it wasn't appropriate to be friends with another man's wife.
mieseratte 7y ago
To be frank, this rings a bit like “How to beat depression? Just be happier!” Of the “lonely men” I know most are the type who simply don’t put themselves out there to make friends in the first place. For some this is problematic, for a select few this is self imposed. As a guy, at least for friendship, I have no reservations about “putting myself out there.” You’d be surprised how many folks you meet can’t or won’t, but are normal folks and great friends once that initial obstacle is overcome. At the end of the day, different strokes for different folks. If you make better friends with women, get at it.
- intrasight 7y ago
  I was of the type that didn't put myself out there. Certainly I had to get over that first. I have male friends who are lonely, and I keep saying that you do need to get outside your comfort zone.
  - chousuke 7y ago
    I hear that lots but it always leaves me wondering, what is the thing that actually gets you to do it? If the solution were that easy, there wouldn't be a problem.
    - intrasight 7y ago
      Putting yourself out there isn't easy - at least not at first. Build confidence in small steps.
scarface74 7y ago
I agree. As single person, it was much easier having female friends. I was much more comfortable having deep emotional platonic female friends. I don’t like doing most “guy stuff”. I don’t care about sports, but I’m very comfortable taking certain types of non dancy fitness classes - I use to teach them. But most of my female friends then were people who trusted me implicitly because I knew then from high school and college. I couldn’t imagine finding myself single again and making new female friends who didn’t immediately think that I couldn’t just want a platonic friendship.
bradlys 7y ago
> Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women I'm male. And I'm going to say that most of the women I know would prefer you didn't offer this advice. Women frequently do a ton of emotional labor for men and receive little back. There's already quite a bit of imbalance. Many men rely on the women in their life for support rather than the men. Most women I know do enjoy their male friends but still wish the men in their lives had more male friends.
- intrasight 7y ago
  That is an interesting point. I know that in my case I give as much as I take emotionally - in fact I think I give more.
- balaksakrionon 7y ago
  Who on earth are you to tell someone not to make friends with women? I struggle to interpret that charitibly
CapricornNoble 7y ago
>>>I think guy friendships are harder because of social expectations of of what a male friendship is - especially if like me you don't enjoy drinking or spectator sports. What kind of men have you tried to socialize with that you feel "male friendship" largely = drinking and sports? I don't drink, and I hate sports. Most of the dudes I know are on the same wavelength, and I don't think they were that hard to find. They are content to go to a coffee shop or other business and shoot the shit about [cars; investing; tech; gaming; politics] while trying to meet more women (in other words, regardless of how many women they already have in their sex life, they are ALWAYS screening new applicants). Only one guy I can think of has female friends he socializes with that he's NOT also banging or used to bang. "Women have platonic friends. Men don't have platonic friends, we just have women we haven't f---'d yet. As soon as I figure this out, I'm in there!" --Chris Rock [1] [1]https://youtu.be/zywIR_ZFLts https://youtu.be/zywIR_ZFLts
- intrasight 7y ago
  >Most of the dudes I know are on the same wavelength Not so much here. Perhaps is because I'm in Pittsburgh. I should move to Seattle ;)

orasis 7y ago

So much this! I am happily married but my wife understands that I tend to connect better with female friends than males. It took some time for me to reject the social taboo of a married male hanging out with platonic women friends but I’ve been so much happier for it.

intrasight 7y ago
I don't think there is a social taboo - I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. I've found that if you are clear that you just want to be friends then there is no discomfort, and they will treat you nearly exactly the same as they treat there female friends. They will share their feelings, their concerns, their aspirations. That what needs to happen to be good friends. And you need to share also! Oh, and be prepared for lots of these friends sending signals that they would like to be more than friends. How you handle that is obviously up to you.
- hamandcheese 7y ago
  > Oh, and be prepared for lots of these friends sending signals that they would like to be more than friends. How you handle that is obviously up to you. That’s exactly why it’s difficult. This doesn’t happen with my male friends.
  - intrasight 7y ago
    Oh, it can happen with male friends too ;) In my case at the moment I am still married so I have that shield. I will lose that when I get divorced.
- scarface74 7y ago
  The issue with having “platonic” female friends is that it can easily lead to emotionally infidelity and trust issues anytime there is a hint of any issues with your marriage. Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough without bringing in that complication. My only female friends these days are married and we are “couple friends”.
  - intrasight 7y ago
    You reach an age (I have) where that's just no longer an issue.
  - orasis 7y ago
    This may be good advice in general but it’s not a problem for us. I have a pretty good radar for when emotional intimacy starts to cross a line and I’m comfortable communicating boundaries.
- nickfromseattle 7y ago
  > I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. It's pretty interesting to think that men and women being friends is a very recent phenomenon, maybe starting in the 70s. Before then, you got married at 19 or a similarly young age, and it wasn't appropriate to be friends with another man's wife.

mieseratte 7y ago

To be frank, this rings a bit like “How to beat depression? Just be happier!” Of the “lonely men” I know most are the type who simply don’t put themselves out there to make friends in the first place. For some this is problematic, for a select few this is self imposed. As a guy, at least for friendship, I have no reservations about “putting myself out there.” You’d be surprised how many folks you meet can’t or won’t, but are normal folks and great friends once that initial obstacle is overcome. At the end of the day, different strokes for different folks. If you make better friends with women, get at it.

intrasight 7y ago
I was of the type that didn't put myself out there. Certainly I had to get over that first. I have male friends who are lonely, and I keep saying that you do need to get outside your comfort zone.
- chousuke 7y ago
  I hear that lots but it always leaves me wondering, what is the thing that actually gets you to do it? If the solution were that easy, there wouldn't be a problem.
  - intrasight 7y ago
    Putting yourself out there isn't easy - at least not at first. Build confidence in small steps.

scarface74 7y ago

I agree. As single person, it was much easier having female friends. I was much more comfortable having deep emotional platonic female friends. I don’t like doing most “guy stuff”. I don’t care about sports, but I’m very comfortable taking certain types of non dancy fitness classes - I use to teach them. But most of my female friends then were people who trusted me implicitly because I knew then from high school and college. I couldn’t imagine finding myself single again and making new female friends who didn’t immediately think that I couldn’t just want a platonic friendship.

bradlys 7y ago

> Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women I'm male. And I'm going to say that most of the women I know would prefer you didn't offer this advice. Women frequently do a ton of emotional labor for men and receive little back. There's already quite a bit of imbalance. Many men rely on the women in their life for support rather than the men. Most women I know do enjoy their male friends but still wish the men in their lives had more male friends.

intrasight 7y ago
That is an interesting point. I know that in my case I give as much as I take emotionally - in fact I think I give more.
balaksakrionon 7y ago
Who on earth are you to tell someone not to make friends with women? I struggle to interpret that charitibly

CapricornNoble 7y ago

>>>I think guy friendships are harder because of social expectations of of what a male friendship is - especially if like me you don't enjoy drinking or spectator sports. What kind of men have you tried to socialize with that you feel "male friendship" largely = drinking and sports? I don't drink, and I hate sports. Most of the dudes I know are on the same wavelength, and I don't think they were that hard to find. They are content to go to a coffee shop or other business and shoot the shit about [cars; investing; tech; gaming; politics] while trying to meet more women (in other words, regardless of how many women they already have in their sex life, they are ALWAYS screening new applicants). Only one guy I can think of has female friends he socializes with that he's NOT also banging or used to bang. "Women have platonic friends. Men don't have platonic friends, we just have women we haven't f---'d yet. As soon as I figure this out, I'm in there!" --Chris Rock [1] [1]https://youtu.be/zywIR_ZFLts https://youtu.be/zywIR_ZFLts

intrasight 7y ago
>Most of the dudes I know are on the same wavelength Not so much here. Perhaps is because I'm in Pittsburgh. I should move to Seattle ;)