I don’t know who I am and what I want. I’m in my 30s and engaged because my SO couldn’t accept the status quo. I recently dropped out of my PhD after 3 years or

I don’t know who I am and what I want. I’m in my 30s and engaged because my SO couldn’t accept the status quo. I recently dropped out of my PhD after 3 years or floundering to take a job. I worry every day about the decisions I’ve made and I’m afraid of regret. I feel like a mess. I can’t articulate my thoughts but I know I have an aptitude for programming and math, though I constantly second guess my solutions and revise them all the time leading others to doubt me. I don’t believe in anything or anyone. I can shoot ideas down like nobodies business but have no vision myself. Sometimes I wonder if how I view myself matches up at all with how others view me. I fantasize about my own death. I can’t commit. Feeling sorry for myself I guess, but feels good to write it out