3 ms·
Right now -- OK-ish. Had a good day. Buried myself in work, feeling "productive". Making, producing things. That's what I came for, that's what I long time
by seletz 7y ago
Right now -- OK-ish. Had a good day. Buried myself in work, feeling "productive". Making, producing things. That's what I came for, that's what I long time ago
called my "hobby". Making. Tinkering. Doing.
Most of the time nowadays I feel overwhelmed, insufficient, unable. Fighting windmills. Meetings. Pointless meetings. Again, again and again. The same stories. The same questions, the same -- wrong -- conclusions. Me, predicting the -- to me -- obvious outcome.
Communicating to other humans sometimes feels so hard.
Most of the stuff I do is completely bogus and pointless. We're -- I'm in -- consulting
hell in the enterprise world. Company too small to get at least "rich". Time-thief
customers, can't fire them -- they pay employees. Can't fire them -- that would be the downward spiral again (been there, done that).
Thought about quitting -- my "job", I'm a founder-owner CTO, 46 years -- but imposter
syndrome struck hard. Reading job postings, compared skills to things I did. I've been
developing software for over 20 years now -- but can I compete? Daily HN does not help.
Change-it, leave-it or like-it -- chose to choose "change-it". Again picking fights, hopefully the right ones.
Trying to stick to principles I've seemingly forgotten -- and fight for them. Changing,
trying to morph my "job" such that I like it again.
But I strongly feel that I'm running out of time. Brain does work differently -- slower, but deeper -- now it seems. Need to adopt, slow down. Keep thinking, not rushing.
Maybe I should get a therapist. Sometimes I feel I'm borderline on the manic-depressive spectrum. Should get that app idea going I have -- two buttons "OK" "BAD". See if I see cycles. But then again, reading other stories here I feel I'm unthankful, and I'm maybe OK off after all.
At least I have a very loving wife and two wonderful children. And -- compared to the world population -- I'm pretty sure I'm financially better off than 99% of all people.