I've been thinking about this too much recently. Only a month ago did I realize that all the reading on HN I've done over the years hasn't given me much to thin

I've been thinking about this too much recently. Only a month ago did I realize that all the reading on HN I've done over the years hasn't given me much to think about or remember beyond the span of a day. None of it has made me any smarter, because I wasn't approaching it with that goal. All I really desired when I instinctively typed the "n" in the omnibar and pressed Enter was wanting to be amused and nothing more. Yet I wouldn't be honest if I said I didn't enjoy the time I spent, at least in the moment. It's just that "enjoyment" shuts down personal growth for me. I've since realized I was using the "time enjoyed is not wasted" adage as an excuse to not think critically and make honest attempts at internalizing new knowledge. As someone else mentioned the better word to use instead of "enjoyed" would be "fulfilled" because it takes into account the long term. I've found that I've become too good at subverting ways of not stressing out about figuring out one's lifestyle and using them to get complacent, when if I chose to think just the slightest bit more carefully I would realize I wasn't actually working towards what I wanted. For that matter I didn't even know what I wanted for a long time, because I never bothered to ask. If you search hard enough there will always be someone who will tell you you're doing just fine. In addition to a lack of creativity I can't remember much of what I've consumed. I don't use Facebook or Twitter so my usual assumption was that by consuming things that take continuous effort and resources to make, like television shows, I was spending my time more wisely. That wasn't really true if I made no effort to remember or understand what I had seen. To me it might as well be that I had never seen any of it in the first place and the time was lost. I've decided that some things are worth remembering and the only way I can remember anything for sure is by writing it down, so any time I consume I try to reflect on it and write a few paragraphs about the general plot, themes or personal takeaways. Even when I forget it later I can look back on my notes and know I made an effort to understand something. I know now that if I don't bother to do this I won't have anything interesting to talk about if it comes up in conversation except "I liked it," which has become one of the most painful responses for me to give. And this is just about consumption, not creative output. Suddenly I want to try to understand more things I consume but I also want to make room for trying to explore my own ideas. It's overwhelming and with a traditional day job it becomes soul-crushingly stressful.