8 ms·

The issue is that, as a single man, how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? Some may

The issue is that, as a single man, how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? Some may prefer to be hit on but I'm going to annoy a lot of women in the process. Far easier to use an opt in dating app

ebg13 7y ago
> Far easier Easier isn't the right metric. It's far less selfishly obnoxious to the world to not actively harass random people just in case one of them might be ok with it.
EliRivers 7y ago
how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? In effect, you ask them. However, this is not done in the literalist HN style - that is, you do not say "Hi, may I please hit on you?" or any other such set of words. Nonetheless, one asks, and some will say yes, and some will say no; some will know they're answering, some won't even notice, and sometimes the asker doesn't even notice that they're asking. To a number of people, this sounds crazy. As crazy as the idea that some authors cannot be read literally to get the meaning of their words. There are languages encoded within language and this is one such. If one happens not to speak this language, I guess it's dating apps or nothing :/
- MaximumYComb 7y ago
  The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip. There is so many aspects to this, it's impossible to reasonably discuss it on an online forum. My perspective is living in a major western city that has a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture. Women I know complain about it all the time. A woman living in an area without this culture may wish more men would hit on her.
  - aisofteng 7y ago
    >The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip. So what? Do people really rule out meeting a partner and having a family because of a fear of maybe inconveniencing someone?
    - MaximumYComb 7y ago
      How did you take "rule out meeting a partner and having a family" from what I said? Dating in 2019 is really easy when I have free time I can line up multiple dates per week without having to resort to harassing every attractive woman I pass at the grocery store.
      - feministincel 7y ago
        ...how? I only recently started getting more than 1 match a week and that was probably an ELO reset.
    - nrb 7y ago
      It’s not out of “fear of maybe inconveniencing someone”, it’s out of a sense of common courtesy. There are plenty of social events that are appropriate for this sort of interaction. Running errands or just trying to go about your day is not one of those IMO, and if dozens of people accosted you per day you’d probably feel the same way.
  - triceratops 7y ago
    > a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture. Do you mind sharing more? I thought middle Eastern cultures were generally more traditional and conservative about dating and the like, so this sounds unusual.
    - MaximumYComb 7y ago
      Maybe in the Middle East but not here. I'd say it's similar to how African American men are portrayed as being forward, i.e. hollering at women and being forward about hitting on women. It could even be related to socioeconomic status as a lot of the men I'm describing would be in lower socioeconomic brackets.
- ulisesrmzroche 7y ago
  You don’t ask. You flirt with your eyes. If that goes well, ask. All single men reading this, learn to flirt. Give them a look. Ask with your eyes first. If they look back, smile, introduce yourself.
wendyshu 7y ago
Start by being friendly and subtle, gauge feedback, then escalate a bit or don't. If she doesn't play along, that's fine you were just being social. Keep it respectful and light. This is expected, normal, and natural. It takes practice. I'm not saying it's easy I'm just saying how it's done.
- MaximumYComb 7y ago
  I know how to flirt, the issue is a lot of women don't want guys flirting with them constantly. In another reply, I mentioned how the demographics of my city have a lot of men from a middle eastern background. Their culture is much more forward and the women I know in my life complain about getting constantly hit on. This isn't an issue of me being socially incompetent, it's about me trying to be a decent human and not annoy women who are constantly being annoyed. Likewise, I don't want to hit on women in a workplace setting because I feel that people should be able to come to work without being made to feel uncomfortable. Some women may like it but some will feel uncomfortable and it's the latter group I'm being respectful towards. My policies mean I probably sleep with fewer women than I could but dating in 2019 is already stupidly easy.
  - solotronics 7y ago
    From what I can tell the perceived value of a guy impacts the reaction of him hitting on a girl. If your read the tinder statistics middle eastern guys have it harder (seen as lower socially). If you're a successful rich good looking guy girls will love your attention. It seems primitive but hey were just animals at the end of the day.
  - danenania 7y ago
    [deleted]
    - shahbaby 7y ago
      And this is how men turn into orbiters. You carefully calibrate your approach while she sleeps around with much better looking men who don't need to. It's pretty sad.
wendyshu 7y ago
To reply to your nested comment: Often the initial stage in flirting if done right should not be annoying, no matter what her recent experiences with guys were. Think "passing a comment about the weather in the checkout line" not "going up to someone and saying you like their shirt".
- bfung 7y ago
  “Excuse me, that spicy pasta sauce (in their basket), have you tried it before, what do you think?” If no reply, move on. If they answer sheepishly, don’t be annoying. If they react with enthusiasm... “I love spicy”. Escalate. @wendyshu - I feel ya trying to explain nuanced things to a crowd who take things very, literally, but good job. Sorry, bored on a flight.
  - MaximumYComb 7y ago
    From your perspective, you're only asking her once so it's no big deal. From her perspective, she's had 10 guys try it today and it happens often when she's shopping.
    - wendyshu 7y ago
      You're underestimating the ability of women to artfully handle the interaction. You're overestimating the amount of attention they get. You're trying to avoid taking any personal risk. Here, try this: Say something funny. No one's bothered if they laugh.
  - yhoneycomb 7y ago
    Exactly. It's just weak men find any excuse to avoid actually putting themselves out there, and would rather post online about how women are all terrible.
Blackstone4 7y ago
Starting with a negative premise will more likely end in a negative outcome.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
im3w1l 7y ago
The traditional solution is to look if there is a ring.
AntarNaad 7y ago
Ring. Marriage or Engagement ring

ebg13 7y ago

> Far easier Easier isn't the right metric. It's far less selfishly obnoxious to the world to not actively harass random people just in case one of them might be ok with it.

EliRivers 7y ago

how do I know which of the 30 women I bump into during a day are open to being hit on and which will feel annoyed? In effect, you ask them. However, this is not done in the literalist HN style - that is, you do not say "Hi, may I please hit on you?" or any other such set of words. Nonetheless, one asks, and some will say yes, and some will say no; some will know they're answering, some won't even notice, and sometimes the asker doesn't even notice that they're asking. To a number of people, this sounds crazy. As crazy as the idea that some authors cannot be read literally to get the meaning of their words. There are languages encoded within language and this is one such. If one happens not to speak this language, I guess it's dating apps or nothing :/

MaximumYComb 7y ago
The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip. There is so many aspects to this, it's impossible to reasonably discuss it on an online forum. My perspective is living in a major western city that has a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture. Women I know complain about it all the time. A woman living in an area without this culture may wish more men would hit on her.
- aisofteng 7y ago
  >The problem is in the asking. If I see an attractive woman shopping and go speak to her it may be the 10th time she's been stopped in this one trip. So what? Do people really rule out meeting a partner and having a family because of a fear of maybe inconveniencing someone?
  - MaximumYComb 7y ago
    How did you take "rule out meeting a partner and having a family" from what I said? Dating in 2019 is really easy when I have free time I can line up multiple dates per week without having to resort to harassing every attractive woman I pass at the grocery store.
    - feministincel 7y ago
      ...how? I only recently started getting more than 1 match a week and that was probably an ELO reset.
  - nrb 7y ago
    It’s not out of “fear of maybe inconveniencing someone”, it’s out of a sense of common courtesy. There are plenty of social events that are appropriate for this sort of interaction. Running errands or just trying to go about your day is not one of those IMO, and if dozens of people accosted you per day you’d probably feel the same way.
- triceratops 7y ago
  > a lot of culturally middle eastern people living here. The culture is very forward compared to western white culture. Do you mind sharing more? I thought middle Eastern cultures were generally more traditional and conservative about dating and the like, so this sounds unusual.
  - MaximumYComb 7y ago
    Maybe in the Middle East but not here. I'd say it's similar to how African American men are portrayed as being forward, i.e. hollering at women and being forward about hitting on women. It could even be related to socioeconomic status as a lot of the men I'm describing would be in lower socioeconomic brackets.
ulisesrmzroche 7y ago
You don’t ask. You flirt with your eyes. If that goes well, ask. All single men reading this, learn to flirt. Give them a look. Ask with your eyes first. If they look back, smile, introduce yourself.

wendyshu 7y ago

Start by being friendly and subtle, gauge feedback, then escalate a bit or don't. If she doesn't play along, that's fine you were just being social. Keep it respectful and light. This is expected, normal, and natural. It takes practice. I'm not saying it's easy I'm just saying how it's done.

MaximumYComb 7y ago
I know how to flirt, the issue is a lot of women don't want guys flirting with them constantly. In another reply, I mentioned how the demographics of my city have a lot of men from a middle eastern background. Their culture is much more forward and the women I know in my life complain about getting constantly hit on. This isn't an issue of me being socially incompetent, it's about me trying to be a decent human and not annoy women who are constantly being annoyed. Likewise, I don't want to hit on women in a workplace setting because I feel that people should be able to come to work without being made to feel uncomfortable. Some women may like it but some will feel uncomfortable and it's the latter group I'm being respectful towards. My policies mean I probably sleep with fewer women than I could but dating in 2019 is already stupidly easy.
- solotronics 7y ago
  From what I can tell the perceived value of a guy impacts the reaction of him hitting on a girl. If your read the tinder statistics middle eastern guys have it harder (seen as lower socially). If you're a successful rich good looking guy girls will love your attention. It seems primitive but hey were just animals at the end of the day.
- danenania 7y ago
  [deleted]
  - shahbaby 7y ago
    And this is how men turn into orbiters. You carefully calibrate your approach while she sleeps around with much better looking men who don't need to. It's pretty sad.

wendyshu 7y ago

To reply to your nested comment: Often the initial stage in flirting if done right should not be annoying, no matter what her recent experiences with guys were. Think "passing a comment about the weather in the checkout line" not "going up to someone and saying you like their shirt".

bfung 7y ago
“Excuse me, that spicy pasta sauce (in their basket), have you tried it before, what do you think?” If no reply, move on. If they answer sheepishly, don’t be annoying. If they react with enthusiasm... “I love spicy”. Escalate. @wendyshu - I feel ya trying to explain nuanced things to a crowd who take things very, literally, but good job. Sorry, bored on a flight.
- MaximumYComb 7y ago
  From your perspective, you're only asking her once so it's no big deal. From her perspective, she's had 10 guys try it today and it happens often when she's shopping.
  - wendyshu 7y ago
    You're underestimating the ability of women to artfully handle the interaction. You're overestimating the amount of attention they get. You're trying to avoid taking any personal risk. Here, try this: Say something funny. No one's bothered if they laugh.
- yhoneycomb 7y ago
  Exactly. It's just weak men find any excuse to avoid actually putting themselves out there, and would rather post online about how women are all terrible.

Blackstone4 7y ago

Starting with a negative premise will more likely end in a negative outcome.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

im3w1l 7y ago

The traditional solution is to look if there is a ring.

AntarNaad 7y ago

Ring. Marriage or Engagement ring