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One thing that I think these posts always ignore is that, for a lot of us, the ambiguity over whether or not it is a date is an essential piece of the puzzle. S

One thing that I think these posts always ignore is that, for a lot of us, the ambiguity over whether or not it is a date is an essential piece of the puzzle. So going in knowing it's a date takes away all of the magic necessary to fall for someone else. I always meet someone as soon as I give up on online dating. If I were single again, I think I would like an app that deliberately makes it ambiguous whether someone likes you or just wants to hang out with you. You'd have to figure that out yourselves. So you'd choose people you genuinely enjoyed spending time with, which would increase your potential dating pool, but you wouldn't go into it without the magic of ambiguity. Data is always cool though.

mLuby 7y ago
The "likes me/likes me not" thing is exciting because of the risk of being wrong amplifies the reward of being right. Same as game shows with a "wager it all" mechanic. But it's not fun to be on the other side of it, where you obliviously think you're developing a nice new friendship and then it turns out they want to get in your pants. The problem is most people can't gracefully degrade from crush to friendship, instead ending up at acquaintance or stranger. So now two people have wasted a bunch of time and emotion just because some ambiguity meant they weren't aiming for the same thing. Not worth it on either end if you ask me. Therefore removing ambiguity from dating is unequivocally good, as long as it is done equally. It is a core feature of dating apps.
- tlringer 7y ago
  I developed a huge crush on a very close friend shortly after my ex broke up with me. He caught on and told me he wasn't interested. We are even better friends now than we were then. We just took a few weeks apart and then resumed. I appreciated the transparency, but the ambiguity was still necessary for developing the crush to begin with. I met a few people on OKCupid during that time and was not sure if I had the potential to like them or not because my ex was in close proximity and that was messing with my feelings a lot. I told them to just be friends and expect nothing else, and that I'd revisit the question in June. One said he was out; that was fine, I'd just met him. The other is one of my close friends now, even though the answer was still no in June. This happened with someone who was already my one of best friends, too. He was hurt for a few weeks, but then everything went back to normal and now we are still best friends. I can understand why this would be hard after a long-term relationship with someone you are in love with. My ex and I are still very, very far from friendship, despite both wanting it eventually. But with someone you have never even been in a relationship with? It's ridiculous to take rejection personally and let it get in the way of your friendship. My current boyfriend, I met when I was running away to another state to get away from my ex. I was looking for people to practice my Russian with. The expectation was that we would hang out and speak Russian once in a while, and then probably never see each other once I returned home. And now I'm in a very rewarding long-distance relationship. I don't think it's that the stakes made it exciting. I think it's that the lack of expectations made it feel safer. It is just the opposite. So you feel OK getting to know the person just to get to know them. Then your heart does its own thing. And that's why I think people say that love "just happens" and not to look for it. You can look for it, but by doing that, you are setting expectations that might preclude you from getting to know the person you might at some point love, just for the sake of knowing them. Not specifically to love them. The ambiguity is good.

mLuby 7y ago

The "likes me/likes me not" thing is exciting because of the risk of being wrong amplifies the reward of being right. Same as game shows with a "wager it all" mechanic. But it's not fun to be on the other side of it, where you obliviously think you're developing a nice new friendship and then it turns out they want to get in your pants. The problem is most people can't gracefully degrade from crush to friendship, instead ending up at acquaintance or stranger. So now two people have wasted a bunch of time and emotion just because some ambiguity meant they weren't aiming for the same thing. Not worth it on either end if you ask me. Therefore removing ambiguity from dating is unequivocally good, as long as it is done equally. It is a core feature of dating apps.

tlringer 7y ago
I developed a huge crush on a very close friend shortly after my ex broke up with me. He caught on and told me he wasn't interested. We are even better friends now than we were then. We just took a few weeks apart and then resumed. I appreciated the transparency, but the ambiguity was still necessary for developing the crush to begin with. I met a few people on OKCupid during that time and was not sure if I had the potential to like them or not because my ex was in close proximity and that was messing with my feelings a lot. I told them to just be friends and expect nothing else, and that I'd revisit the question in June. One said he was out; that was fine, I'd just met him. The other is one of my close friends now, even though the answer was still no in June. This happened with someone who was already my one of best friends, too. He was hurt for a few weeks, but then everything went back to normal and now we are still best friends. I can understand why this would be hard after a long-term relationship with someone you are in love with. My ex and I are still very, very far from friendship, despite both wanting it eventually. But with someone you have never even been in a relationship with? It's ridiculous to take rejection personally and let it get in the way of your friendship. My current boyfriend, I met when I was running away to another state to get away from my ex. I was looking for people to practice my Russian with. The expectation was that we would hang out and speak Russian once in a while, and then probably never see each other once I returned home. And now I'm in a very rewarding long-distance relationship. I don't think it's that the stakes made it exciting. I think it's that the lack of expectations made it feel safer. It is just the opposite. So you feel OK getting to know the person just to get to know them. Then your heart does its own thing. And that's why I think people say that love "just happens" and not to look for it. You can look for it, but by doing that, you are setting expectations that might preclude you from getting to know the person you might at some point love, just for the sake of knowing them. Not specifically to love them. The ambiguity is good.