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It's not "gentler". It's only perceived as such. An iron fist covered in velvet. When someone asks me a question like that, I deflect with humor by saying "I d

• mlyle 7y ago
  These convey different things, though. "Bob, do X by Friday" works-- it implies a task is assigned with no expectation of discussion. This is sometimes necessary with children-- though even this is often improved by softening it a little-- "Bobby, I expect your homework to be done by the time I'm home." "Bob, could you please do X by Friday?" is better, IMO. We'll assume Bob is a valued subordinate. It opens the door for him to say "But, ...." and provide input in a way that "Bob, do X by Friday" doesn't. There's an implicit contract, though-- an answer of just "No!" is not really expected. "Bob, would you like to do X?" is yet softer. Input is expected! Refusal is explicitly contemplated and even considered reasonably likely. But again, an answer of just "No!" is not really socially acceptable.
  • bena 7y ago
    In A, Bob would have to be comfortable also sharing relevant information. True. B does invite some discussion. Bob could raise concerns that he has other deadlines or doesn't feel confident in meeting the deadline. C is the exact thing I'm talking about. It's infantile to a degree. Refusal isn't actually contemplated or considered. It's presenting a false choice to Bob. It's supposed to make Bob feel obligated to say yes because the request is so "nice". It's a perversion of the social contract. And that's where people with Autism fall into a trap. By not being bound by the social contract, they toss away all of the baggage and answer the question on its face. It wasn't a question. Why is "No" not socially acceptable? It's the answer to the question. Even now, you have to add that exclamation point to make it seem more forceful. Because you don't have an actual reason as to why a simple refusal isn't acceptable. Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. Don't disguise your intentions in a way to make it seem you're doing something you're not.
    • mlyle 7y ago
      > C is the exact thing I'm talking about. It's infantile to a degree. Refusal isn't actually contemplated or considered. It's presenting a false choice to Bob. It's supposed to make Bob feel obligated to say yes because the request is so "nice". That's not what I mean by C. If I use the form in C, it's usually because I feel that I am providing the opportunity for interesting or growth work to Bob. "Well, that's not really the area I'd like to work in" is a fine answer and we'd discuss a little more, and then I'd go hand the fun stuff to someone who wants it. "No" would, well, rub me the wrong way a little bit. Here I'm offering something that I thought you'd prefer to other things, and you just tell me "no"? Come on, you owe me a little bit more consideration in return for me having considered you.
      • bena 7y ago
        You're projecting a lot more onto the hypothetical just to make it seem like something it's not. What if it's not fun stuff? What if it's not really a request? This is a transaction. Step out of your feelings for a bit. Be a little more empathetic towards them. Don't take a simple answer so personally. Because when you get down to it, you're taking offense that Bob didn't genuflect enough to your taste.
        • mlyle 7y ago
          Alternatively you are projecting a whole lot ;). I am saying how I have used it. Maybe it won't be fun stuff. That is why I ask. But the reason I do ask, is because I believe it may be and an opportunity for skill progression.
          • bena 7y ago
            Exactly what am I projecting? Tell me. You've taken the presented scenario and added things to try and bolster a point. Even now, you're trying to talk out of the side of your mouth to make it seem as if every "request" by you is actually an opportunity in disguise for the person you are assigning tasks to. Look man, sometimes, tasks just need to be done. And that's fine. You aren't fooling anyone by saying you're "giving them an opportunity to explore disposal management techniques in an office environment".
• rleigh 7y ago
  > It's not "gentler". It's only perceived as such. An iron fist covered in velvet. Exactly so, and exactly why this isn't "wasting time dancing around our feelings". We might think it's illogical and pointless. But humans aren't Vulkans, and these social interactions have evolved this way in our cultures because of that need for mutual consideration and respect. People do have feelings. People don't like being bossed around like slaves; they resent it. Social niceties like these smooth over the power imbalance between those giving and taking orders. By phrasing orders as a request, rather than as a demand, it shows some consideration and respect for the person receiving them. Now, you are correct that these are still orders to be followed, but the perception of them being orders is reduced. The people on both sides can be entirely aware that they are orders, but even then it makes it easier for both.
  • bena 7y ago
    No one is talking about "being bossed around like slaves". Don't descend into hyperbole just to score points. Saying something simply and directly is not "boss[ing someone] around like [a] slave". And if your only problem with being told what to do is the manner in which you're told, your priorities are kind of out of whack. My employer pays me to do what I do and to not do anything else. If at any point I felt like they were taking advantage of me or not respecting me enough, I'd go somewhere else. Yes, people have feelings. And I feel patronized when someone couches their demands in the language of an optional request. I feel as if it insults my intelligence. I'm an adult, I can perfectly handle the situation that in some circumstances I will be the subordinate. My ego isn't so fragile that I need to pretend that every situation there's equal power.