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Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the

Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? I'm not sure if I'm on the same spectrum as you, but I'm definitely peculiar in some ways (OCD at least). After enough years of doing what makes sense to me and not fitting in as a result, I can't help but feel resentful at times at the idea that I'm the one with the problem.

jaggederest 7y ago
Absolutely, part of my journey is to start asking for other people to come halfway. I bend over backwards to try to think about other people and be considerate and thoughtful because it doesn't come automatically, but it seems like a lot of neurotypical folks are unwilling or unable to do the same in reverse. Frankly I've been a lot happier since I stopped being quite so unobtrusive and easy to get along with.
onecomment 7y ago
I do get annoyed at this, buy only sometimes and it passes fast... Similar to others commenting here I think i have learned social skills and human behavior in the same way i have learned programming etc. and as a result i can articulate and logically process peoples behaviors better than many (most?) people. I score high in empathy / feeling metrics in tests at work and I am one of the first people that people come to with personal problems relating to dealing with people (all kinds of problems really), but from my perspective its all through careful analysis of whats going on around me since a very early age, nothing intuitive about it. Mostly it involves very carefully thinking things though from the starting point of : whatever that person is doing must appear logical to them. (and i really really mean MUST - I have never met an illogical person) In any case.. the reason I mostly don't get annoyed is because: If you are feeling this way then that means you have more awareness of what is going on than the other person, and if you are in a position of considering how to act (not just reacting) then that means you are in a position of strength with the power to improve the situation. So then it becomes like when i am helping someone move furniture or whatever and i happen to be twice their size.. i may end up expending more energy, putting in more effort, but i really would not have it any other way.
distantaidenn 7y ago
Resentful -- never. I just see it as a skill to learn. It's a game, and there are rules. If anything, I choose to see it as an advantage, in that I am able to step outside of the intended response and attempt to determine what the situation actually is. So, though my replies may be slow, such thinking allows me some insight into how people operate. Examples: Is this a powerplay? Ok, this is new. But I've read about how to respond. Is this affection? If so, why and what's the appropriate expected response? Is this banter? Ok, I have been in this scenario before. I know what to say to keep the laughs going. But I will not paint it as all a learning experience. I am an intensely visual thinker, so sometimes I just can't find the words I wish to say, and I end up simply silent -- due to being lost in thought. Those situations can be a bit frustrating. I see what I want to say, but I can't find the words or energy to say it. Edit: An interesting result of this is that people often confide in me quite readily. I assume it's because I've become so adept at listening in order to understand what a person is really trying to say.
cgriswald 7y ago
> Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? When I was younger, I was mostly frustrated, with resentment on rare occasions. An interaction I had: Me: writing a script to write a daily schedule of tasks for my job Boss: "You have better things to be doing." Me (confused): "Like what?" Boss (presumably annoyed): "The documentation needs to be updated." Me: Updates hundreds of pages of documentation Me: goes back to writing script Boss (from behind me): "I thought I told you not to work on that script." Me: ??? I was very confused, because, no, he hadn't told me that; and I was a little annoyed when I found out that was what he wanted. I thought, "Why didn't he just say that?" I found out later he thought it was a security risk for me to be writing the script[0] and he was generally incompetent (considered that way by both his peers and his subordinates). But looking back, I think combined with his body language, tone, and other social cues, he was telling me not to work on the script; I just didn't get it. [0] - You got me. I had root access to literally everything and was the one running and managing the backups for the entire org. If I wanted to be nefarious you wouldn't catch me writing a script on a work PC under my non-superuser login.

jaggederest 7y ago

Absolutely, part of my journey is to start asking for other people to come halfway. I bend over backwards to try to think about other people and be considerate and thoughtful because it doesn't come automatically, but it seems like a lot of neurotypical folks are unwilling or unable to do the same in reverse. Frankly I've been a lot happier since I stopped being quite so unobtrusive and easy to get along with.

onecomment 7y ago

I do get annoyed at this, buy only sometimes and it passes fast... Similar to others commenting here I think i have learned social skills and human behavior in the same way i have learned programming etc. and as a result i can articulate and logically process peoples behaviors better than many (most?) people. I score high in empathy / feeling metrics in tests at work and I am one of the first people that people come to with personal problems relating to dealing with people (all kinds of problems really), but from my perspective its all through careful analysis of whats going on around me since a very early age, nothing intuitive about it. Mostly it involves very carefully thinking things though from the starting point of : whatever that person is doing must appear logical to them. (and i really really mean MUST - I have never met an illogical person) In any case.. the reason I mostly don't get annoyed is because: If you are feeling this way then that means you have more awareness of what is going on than the other person, and if you are in a position of considering how to act (not just reacting) then that means you are in a position of strength with the power to improve the situation. So then it becomes like when i am helping someone move furniture or whatever and i happen to be twice their size.. i may end up expending more energy, putting in more effort, but i really would not have it any other way.

distantaidenn 7y ago

Resentful -- never. I just see it as a skill to learn. It's a game, and there are rules. If anything, I choose to see it as an advantage, in that I am able to step outside of the intended response and attempt to determine what the situation actually is. So, though my replies may be slow, such thinking allows me some insight into how people operate. Examples: Is this a powerplay? Ok, this is new. But I've read about how to respond. Is this affection? If so, why and what's the appropriate expected response? Is this banter? Ok, I have been in this scenario before. I know what to say to keep the laughs going. But I will not paint it as all a learning experience. I am an intensely visual thinker, so sometimes I just can't find the words I wish to say, and I end up simply silent -- due to being lost in thought. Those situations can be a bit frustrating. I see what I want to say, but I can't find the words or energy to say it. Edit: An interesting result of this is that people often confide in me quite readily. I assume it's because I've become so adept at listening in order to understand what a person is really trying to say.

cgriswald 7y ago

> Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? When I was younger, I was mostly frustrated, with resentment on rare occasions. An interaction I had: Me: writing a script to write a daily schedule of tasks for my job Boss: "You have better things to be doing." Me (confused): "Like what?" Boss (presumably annoyed): "The documentation needs to be updated." Me: Updates hundreds of pages of documentation Me: goes back to writing script Boss (from behind me): "I thought I told you not to work on that script." Me: ??? I was very confused, because, no, he hadn't told me that; and I was a little annoyed when I found out that was what he wanted. I thought, "Why didn't he just say that?" I found out later he thought it was a security risk for me to be writing the script[0] and he was generally incompetent (considered that way by both his peers and his subordinates). But looking back, I think combined with his body language, tone, and other social cues, he was telling me not to work on the script; I just didn't get it. [0] - You got me. I had root access to literally everything and was the one running and managing the backups for the entire org. If I wanted to be nefarious you wouldn't catch me writing a script on a work PC under my non-superuser login.