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I agree with this completely. I self-diagnosed Aspergers, approached my doctor and was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD (there is a huge overlap). Growing up,

I agree with this completely. I self-diagnosed Aspergers, approached my doctor and was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD (there is a huge overlap). Growing up, I just could not figure out how people "worked". My parents thought I was lonely all the time; however, my inner world was (and still is), so rich that it's difficult to express to people. Thus, I made it a conscious effort to study people as I would any of my other subjects. Now, unless I tell people -- they would have no idea. Everything I do in social interactions, in order to fit in, is a learned behavior that I didn't pick up until my university years. I'm in my 30s now and still learning. We joke about it, but my girlfriend regularly tells me that I have "no emotions." Truth is, I just react differently than what's expected. Even this very day, she asked me a question about love, and I sat there and thought for a few seconds and tried to give her a logical answer. Of course, I was playfully scolded for not answering right away, but this is par the course for how I see the world. It's difficult to know when people just want a canned response, or when they want an actual answer.

orblivion 7y ago
Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? I'm not sure if I'm on the same spectrum as you, but I'm definitely peculiar in some ways (OCD at least). After enough years of doing what makes sense to me and not fitting in as a result, I can't help but feel resentful at times at the idea that I'm the one with the problem.
- jaggederest 7y ago
  Absolutely, part of my journey is to start asking for other people to come halfway. I bend over backwards to try to think about other people and be considerate and thoughtful because it doesn't come automatically, but it seems like a lot of neurotypical folks are unwilling or unable to do the same in reverse. Frankly I've been a lot happier since I stopped being quite so unobtrusive and easy to get along with.
- onecomment 7y ago
  I do get annoyed at this, buy only sometimes and it passes fast... Similar to others commenting here I think i have learned social skills and human behavior in the same way i have learned programming etc. and as a result i can articulate and logically process peoples behaviors better than many (most?) people. I score high in empathy / feeling metrics in tests at work and I am one of the first people that people come to with personal problems relating to dealing with people (all kinds of problems really), but from my perspective its all through careful analysis of whats going on around me since a very early age, nothing intuitive about it. Mostly it involves very carefully thinking things though from the starting point of : whatever that person is doing must appear logical to them. (and i really really mean MUST - I have never met an illogical person) In any case.. the reason I mostly don't get annoyed is because: If you are feeling this way then that means you have more awareness of what is going on than the other person, and if you are in a position of considering how to act (not just reacting) then that means you are in a position of strength with the power to improve the situation. So then it becomes like when i am helping someone move furniture or whatever and i happen to be twice their size.. i may end up expending more energy, putting in more effort, but i really would not have it any other way.
- distantaidenn 7y ago
  Resentful -- never. I just see it as a skill to learn. It's a game, and there are rules. If anything, I choose to see it as an advantage, in that I am able to step outside of the intended response and attempt to determine what the situation actually is. So, though my replies may be slow, such thinking allows me some insight into how people operate. Examples: Is this a powerplay? Ok, this is new. But I've read about how to respond. Is this affection? If so, why and what's the appropriate expected response? Is this banter? Ok, I have been in this scenario before. I know what to say to keep the laughs going. But I will not paint it as all a learning experience. I am an intensely visual thinker, so sometimes I just can't find the words I wish to say, and I end up simply silent -- due to being lost in thought. Those situations can be a bit frustrating. I see what I want to say, but I can't find the words or energy to say it. Edit: An interesting result of this is that people often confide in me quite readily. I assume it's because I've become so adept at listening in order to understand what a person is really trying to say.
- cgriswald 7y ago
  > Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? When I was younger, I was mostly frustrated, with resentment on rare occasions. An interaction I had: Me: writing a script to write a daily schedule of tasks for my job Boss: "You have better things to be doing." Me (confused): "Like what?" Boss (presumably annoyed): "The documentation needs to be updated." Me: Updates hundreds of pages of documentation Me: goes back to writing script Boss (from behind me): "I thought I told you not to work on that script." Me: ??? I was very confused, because, no, he hadn't told me that; and I was a little annoyed when I found out that was what he wanted. I thought, "Why didn't he just say that?" I found out later he thought it was a security risk for me to be writing the script[0] and he was generally incompetent (considered that way by both his peers and his subordinates). But looking back, I think combined with his body language, tone, and other social cues, he was telling me not to work on the script; I just didn't get it. [0] - You got me. I had root access to literally everything and was the one running and managing the backups for the entire org. If I wanted to be nefarious you wouldn't catch me writing a script on a work PC under my non-superuser login.
anon9001 7y ago
> Everything I do in social interactions, in order to fit in, is a learned behavior that I didn't pick up until my university years. You might be improperly socialized or have Aspergers, or you might be a sociopath (I don't mean this in a derogatory way, some people are just not capable of emotion, often due to past trauma), or you might have anxiety, or it might be ADHD. My advice would be to try more drugs to try and get a better perspective of why you feel the things that you feel. If it's ADHD, Ritalin or Adderall will cause a positive change. If it's anxiety, Xanax/Klonopin/Ativan/Valium might help. If it's an empathy thing, there aren't many legal pharmaceuticals for that, but you could try weed or MDMA or a traditional psychedelic. IMO the relatively low risk of trying a few chemicals a few times is well worth the gain in perspective, so you have a better sense of what you're trying to change and what levers can be pulled.

orblivion 7y ago

Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? I'm not sure if I'm on the same spectrum as you, but I'm definitely peculiar in some ways (OCD at least). After enough years of doing what makes sense to me and not fitting in as a result, I can't help but feel resentful at times at the idea that I'm the one with the problem.

jaggederest 7y ago
Absolutely, part of my journey is to start asking for other people to come halfway. I bend over backwards to try to think about other people and be considerate and thoughtful because it doesn't come automatically, but it seems like a lot of neurotypical folks are unwilling or unable to do the same in reverse. Frankly I've been a lot happier since I stopped being quite so unobtrusive and easy to get along with.
onecomment 7y ago
I do get annoyed at this, buy only sometimes and it passes fast... Similar to others commenting here I think i have learned social skills and human behavior in the same way i have learned programming etc. and as a result i can articulate and logically process peoples behaviors better than many (most?) people. I score high in empathy / feeling metrics in tests at work and I am one of the first people that people come to with personal problems relating to dealing with people (all kinds of problems really), but from my perspective its all through careful analysis of whats going on around me since a very early age, nothing intuitive about it. Mostly it involves very carefully thinking things though from the starting point of : whatever that person is doing must appear logical to them. (and i really really mean MUST - I have never met an illogical person) In any case.. the reason I mostly don't get annoyed is because: If you are feeling this way then that means you have more awareness of what is going on than the other person, and if you are in a position of considering how to act (not just reacting) then that means you are in a position of strength with the power to improve the situation. So then it becomes like when i am helping someone move furniture or whatever and i happen to be twice their size.. i may end up expending more energy, putting in more effort, but i really would not have it any other way.
distantaidenn 7y ago
Resentful -- never. I just see it as a skill to learn. It's a game, and there are rules. If anything, I choose to see it as an advantage, in that I am able to step outside of the intended response and attempt to determine what the situation actually is. So, though my replies may be slow, such thinking allows me some insight into how people operate. Examples: Is this a powerplay? Ok, this is new. But I've read about how to respond. Is this affection? If so, why and what's the appropriate expected response? Is this banter? Ok, I have been in this scenario before. I know what to say to keep the laughs going. But I will not paint it as all a learning experience. I am an intensely visual thinker, so sometimes I just can't find the words I wish to say, and I end up simply silent -- due to being lost in thought. Those situations can be a bit frustrating. I see what I want to say, but I can't find the words or energy to say it. Edit: An interesting result of this is that people often confide in me quite readily. I assume it's because I've become so adept at listening in order to understand what a person is really trying to say.
cgriswald 7y ago
> Just curious - do you (or anyone else reading) ever feel resentful that you're the one who's expected to act in a way that makes no sense to you, instead of the other way around? When I was younger, I was mostly frustrated, with resentment on rare occasions. An interaction I had: Me: writing a script to write a daily schedule of tasks for my job Boss: "You have better things to be doing." Me (confused): "Like what?" Boss (presumably annoyed): "The documentation needs to be updated." Me: Updates hundreds of pages of documentation Me: goes back to writing script Boss (from behind me): "I thought I told you not to work on that script." Me: ??? I was very confused, because, no, he hadn't told me that; and I was a little annoyed when I found out that was what he wanted. I thought, "Why didn't he just say that?" I found out later he thought it was a security risk for me to be writing the script[0] and he was generally incompetent (considered that way by both his peers and his subordinates). But looking back, I think combined with his body language, tone, and other social cues, he was telling me not to work on the script; I just didn't get it. [0] - You got me. I had root access to literally everything and was the one running and managing the backups for the entire org. If I wanted to be nefarious you wouldn't catch me writing a script on a work PC under my non-superuser login.

anon9001 7y ago

> Everything I do in social interactions, in order to fit in, is a learned behavior that I didn't pick up until my university years. You might be improperly socialized or have Aspergers, or you might be a sociopath (I don't mean this in a derogatory way, some people are just not capable of emotion, often due to past trauma), or you might have anxiety, or it might be ADHD. My advice would be to try more drugs to try and get a better perspective of why you feel the things that you feel. If it's ADHD, Ritalin or Adderall will cause a positive change. If it's anxiety, Xanax/Klonopin/Ativan/Valium might help. If it's an empathy thing, there aren't many legal pharmaceuticals for that, but you could try weed or MDMA or a traditional psychedelic. IMO the relatively low risk of trying a few chemicals a few times is well worth the gain in perspective, so you have a better sense of what you're trying to change and what levers can be pulled.