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Thinking about my own communication patterns, I wouldn't give my own boss a direct "no" to a question like that. I'd most likely give a brief explanation of wha

by nilkn 7y ago

Thinking about my own communication patterns, I wouldn't give my own boss a direct "no" to a question like that. I'd most likely give a brief explanation of what my focus and priorities are at the moment, and if I'm sufficiently plugged into the context of the task I might make a suggestion about who else could do it now. Basically, I'd look at it from this perspective: this is something my boss probably has reason to believe needs to be done, and he/she is clearly trying to figure out how to make that happen, so I'd try to help them solve that problem, even if I didn't personally do the task.

mlyle 7y ago
Yes, this is exactly what I'm saying. A brusque "no" can feel personal, especially if one feels that one has made a gentle request when one doesn't have to. People who understand social cues know what kind of answer is expected and "meet in the middle". A "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. Making a gentle ask spends emotional energy and it makes it a little harder inside to tolerate a blunt refusal well. This extends to interactions with school aged children: it's often far better to state your expectations and "leave" instead of doing anything at all like an ask. Asking opens the window for defiance and makes it harder to cope with the defiance should it happen.
- dvtrn 7y ago
  A "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. This seems like a good opportunity to practice the power of assuming positive intent? https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assuming-positive-intent/ https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assumi...
  - mlyle 7y ago
    Yes, we should all try. But-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." And the former cases do need to get eventually detected. Our social expectations and instincts are a key tool that we ordinarily use to tease these situations apart, but one that might partially fail us when dealing with an employee with autism. Information and additional context frees us, then-- it provides us the context we need to be compassionate. It also suggests strategies on how to deal with e.g. the low-social employee appearing uncooperative to their peers.
    - dvtrn 7y ago
      But-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." This is a valid point, it absolutely can be -but the mere existence of that dichotomy doesn't preclude the necessity of digging through the ambiguity of motive and intent by stopping to first clarify, communicate and consider before letting social "instinct"-as you've put it-dictate the course of interaction.
      - mlyle 7y ago
        Yup. I don't think it's likely, BTW, that anyone gets fired for a single unexplained "no". But the unexplained "no" opens a social question, and it's the kind of interaction that if it's repeated without finding the true root cause will impair a working relationship. And "the person I'm talking to has autism and takes everything I say completely literally", outside of tech circles where autism is over-represented, is a pretty rare root cause.
        dvtrn 7y ago
        where autism is over-represented Not quite sure I grok what you mean here? Or, maybe better asked, over-represented how?
        mlyle 7y ago
        Sorry, what I mean to say is that it is my belief that-- in the tech/engineering community, there are employees on the autism spectrum at a far higher rate than the overall employed population. In turn, this leads to better understanding of how to work with and manage people on the spectrum in the tech community than the population at large.
        dvtrn 7y ago
        Ahh okay, glad I asked- and I think there may be something to that, the question then becomes: if employees on the autism spectrum are over-represented in tech, and this creates opportunities to learn how to work with such individuals and create workplaces, work styles and management styles that help them succeed with their peers, how do we create orthodoxies and systems of work that can be applied to the rest of the workforce? I don't have the answer, but it's an interesting question to probe. Thanks for the meaty conversation, I have my own little one on the spectrum so always thankful to have discussions like this one.

by nilkn 7y ago

mlyle 7y ago

Yes, this is exactly what I'm saying. A brusque "no" can feel personal, especially if one feels that one has made a gentle request when one doesn't have to. People who understand social cues know what kind of answer is expected and "meet in the middle". A "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. Making a gentle ask spends emotional energy and it makes it a little harder inside to tolerate a blunt refusal well. This extends to interactions with school aged children: it's often far better to state your expectations and "leave" instead of doing anything at all like an ask. Asking opens the window for defiance and makes it harder to cope with the defiance should it happen.

dvtrn 7y ago
A "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. This seems like a good opportunity to practice the power of assuming positive intent? https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assuming-positive-intent/ https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assumi...
- mlyle 7y ago
  Yes, we should all try. But-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." And the former cases do need to get eventually detected. Our social expectations and instincts are a key tool that we ordinarily use to tease these situations apart, but one that might partially fail us when dealing with an employee with autism. Information and additional context frees us, then-- it provides us the context we need to be compassionate. It also suggests strategies on how to deal with e.g. the low-social employee appearing uncooperative to their peers.
  - dvtrn 7y ago
    But-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." This is a valid point, it absolutely can be -but the mere existence of that dichotomy doesn't preclude the necessity of digging through the ambiguity of motive and intent by stopping to first clarify, communicate and consider before letting social "instinct"-as you've put it-dictate the course of interaction.
    - mlyle 7y ago
      Yup. I don't think it's likely, BTW, that anyone gets fired for a single unexplained "no". But the unexplained "no" opens a social question, and it's the kind of interaction that if it's repeated without finding the true root cause will impair a working relationship. And "the person I'm talking to has autism and takes everything I say completely literally", outside of tech circles where autism is over-represented, is a pretty rare root cause.
      - dvtrn 7y ago
        where autism is over-represented Not quite sure I grok what you mean here? Or, maybe better asked, over-represented how?
        mlyle 7y ago
        Sorry, what I mean to say is that it is my belief that-- in the tech/engineering community, there are employees on the autism spectrum at a far higher rate than the overall employed population. In turn, this leads to better understanding of how to work with and manage people on the spectrum in the tech community than the population at large.
        dvtrn 7y ago
        Ahh okay, glad I asked- and I think there may be something to that, the question then becomes: if employees on the autism spectrum are over-represented in tech, and this creates opportunities to learn how to work with such individuals and create workplaces, work styles and management styles that help them succeed with their peers, how do we create orthodoxies and systems of work that can be applied to the rest of the workforce? I don't have the answer, but it's an interesting question to probe. Thanks for the meaty conversation, I have my own little one on the spectrum so always thankful to have discussions like this one.