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As a manager, "could you please..." and "would you like to..." seem like quite different questions to me. The former fits in with your description; it's a direc
by nilkn 7y ago
As a manager, "could you please..." and "would you like to..." seem like quite different questions to me. The former fits in with your description; it's a direct request wrapped in deferential language. The second, though, seems to be soliciting the employee's thoughts on a task rather than immediately enlisting them in doing it.
- mlyle 7y agoYes, I agree. But you probably expect more than a blunt "no" to the latter, right?
- nilkn 7y agoThinking about my own communication patterns, I wouldn't give my own boss a direct "no" to a question like that. I'd most likely give a brief explanation of what my focus and priorities are at the moment, and if I'm sufficiently plugged into the context of the task I might make a suggestion about who else could do it now. Basically, I'd look at it from this perspective: this is something my boss probably has reason to believe needs to be done, and he/she is clearly trying to figure out how to make that happen, so I'd try to help them solve that problem, even if I didn't personally do the task.
- mlyle 7y agoYes, this is exactly what I'm saying. A brusque "no" can feel personal, especially if one feels that one has made a gentle request when one doesn't have to. People who understand social cues know what kind of answer is expected and "meet in the middle". A "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. Making a gentle ask spends emotional energy and it makes it a little harder inside to tolerate a blunt refusal well. This extends to interactions with school aged children: it's often far better to state your expectations and "leave" instead of doing anything at all like an ask. Asking opens the window for defiance and makes it harder to cope with the defiance should it happen.
- dvtrn 7y agoA "no" can appear to be anything between an unemphatic response to a request to assistance to outright defiance. This seems like a good opportunity to practice the power of assuming positive intent? https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assuming-positive-intent/ https://knowyourteam.com/blog/2017/12/01/the-power-of-assumi...
- mlyle 7y agoYes, we should all try. But-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." And the former cases do need to get eventually detected. Our social expectations and instincts are a key tool that we ordinarily use to tease these situations apart, but one that might partially fail us when dealing with an employee with autism. Information and additional context frees us, then-- it provides us the context we need to be compassionate. It also suggests strategies on how to deal with e.g. the low-social employee appearing uncooperative to their peers.
- dvtrn 7y agoBut-- it can be difficult to tell apart "he acts with apparent disregard for you because he doesn't give a shit about his work/you" and "he acts with apparent disregard because he has autism and requires different management practices." This is a valid point, it absolutely can be -but the mere existence of that dichotomy doesn't preclude the necessity of digging through the ambiguity of motive and intent by stopping to first clarify, communicate and consider before letting social "instinct"-as you've put it-dictate the course of interaction.
- mlyle 7y agoYup. I don't think it's likely, BTW, that anyone gets fired for a single unexplained "no". But the unexplained "no" opens a social question, and it's the kind of interaction that if it's repeated without finding the true root cause will impair a working relationship. And "the person I'm talking to has autism and takes everything I say completely literally", outside of tech circles where autism is over-represented, is a pretty rare root cause.
- 52-6F-62 7y agoAgreed, And I've been asked the latter in a variety of contexts. In many cases it was more of a door that the manager was opening, and I've had full discussions with them about not wanting to take my career or skill focus that direction. Boundaries in a working relationship are as important as in any other relationship. If you don't set them many people will not think further about using you up completely. And then you can say goodbye to getting vacation when you want/need it. If they're just using it to passively assert something and come across as the "good guy" rather than directing that they need me to do something for X reason, I've always considered that to be on them. I like being spoken to like an adult. Sure I don't need full context depending on my role, but if you need something done and I'm the only available or most reasonable resource then just tell me what you need.