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Many people ask questions they don't want the answers to. The question "How are you?" is a specific type of social interaction where there is an expected answer

Many people ask questions they don't want the answers to. The question "How are you?" is a specific type of social interaction where there is an expected answer and that isn't to actually explain how you are. There are a lot of unspoken rules (such as saying yes when a person in authority asks/tells you to do something). A person with functioning social skills recognizes that a different approach is needed if they actually need to say no to their manager. Or that they need to seek guidance to see if they should be placing that higher on their priorities.

rgblambda 7y ago
It should be noted that asking "How are you?" while not expecting an actual answer is largely limited to English speaking countries. Someone from outside the Anglosphere would see this ritual as being ridiculous, which to be fair, it is.
- stevekemp 7y ago
  Indeed, I moved to Finland. If you ask a Finnish person "How are you?" they will answer, and would expect you to do so too. If you don't care you don't ask.
  - ptaipale 7y ago
    And misunderstandings like this can be awkward, but sometimes they also lead to very good discussions. When someone says "How are you?", I simply have it difficult to just say "very well thank you", if I'm just anticipating a root canal treatment, or whatever. We Finns can indeed appear a bit autistic; it's not meant to be rude, but may feel like it.
    - stevekemp 7y ago
      I enjoy Finnish people, but I'd rather describe them as either terse or blunt.
- mlyle 7y ago
  It's not universal, but it extends far beyond the Anglosphere. If one is in France and says "Ça va, Michel?" -- odds are one expects a little more diversity in the answer than "How are you?" expects in the US... but really, one still expects "Oui, ça va." or "Ça va bien" and not really "Ça va mal" or "Ça va pas."
npongratz 7y ago
> The question "How are you?" is a specific type of social interaction where there is an expected answer and that isn't to actually explain how you are. Then why ask it??? To fake empathy, perhaps? If a person doesn't want to hear my answer to a question, I suggest they just don't ask the question. Saves everyone a lot of time, and avoids plenty of confusion. Otherwise I'm just going to continue answering questions in a logical, honest and forthcoming manner, perhaps appearing (to some) as lacking "functioning social skills".
- antisthenes 7y ago
  It's funny, because that question "How are you?" is never really phrased that way when I talk to friends and family, because I already know what's going on in their life, so I ask specific questions like "How's that promotion at work going?" or "Are you feeling better since that last sickness?". Same goes when they ask me about something. The only people who ask me that question in that specific way are strangers, mostly during solicitation calls or any other calls where they have to read from a script. As per your suggestion, next time I get a marketing call, I might just start delving into the details of my life for 10 minutes, explaining exactly just "how I am" :P
  - GauntletWizard 7y ago
    I've found that making a bit of small talk about exactly how I am is a great filter for people who have actual empathy vs people who view other people's lives as distractions from their own.
- frenchyatwork 7y ago
  "How are you?" is an idiom. Just like "what's up" isn't a question about what is currently in the sky. It's unfortunate, and I wish it didn't exist, but it does. It functions as a politeness marker, and in some settings (i.e. nerdy programmers) politeness markers are seen as unnecessary and pointless, but in others they are seen as necessary. As to why it exists, the answer is the same for just about every other linguistic feature: nobody really knows.

rgblambda 7y ago

It should be noted that asking "How are you?" while not expecting an actual answer is largely limited to English speaking countries. Someone from outside the Anglosphere would see this ritual as being ridiculous, which to be fair, it is.

stevekemp 7y ago
Indeed, I moved to Finland. If you ask a Finnish person "How are you?" they will answer, and would expect you to do so too. If you don't care you don't ask.
- ptaipale 7y ago
  And misunderstandings like this can be awkward, but sometimes they also lead to very good discussions. When someone says "How are you?", I simply have it difficult to just say "very well thank you", if I'm just anticipating a root canal treatment, or whatever. We Finns can indeed appear a bit autistic; it's not meant to be rude, but may feel like it.
  - stevekemp 7y ago
    I enjoy Finnish people, but I'd rather describe them as either terse or blunt.
mlyle 7y ago
It's not universal, but it extends far beyond the Anglosphere. If one is in France and says "Ça va, Michel?" -- odds are one expects a little more diversity in the answer than "How are you?" expects in the US... but really, one still expects "Oui, ça va." or "Ça va bien" and not really "Ça va mal" or "Ça va pas."

npongratz 7y ago

> The question "How are you?" is a specific type of social interaction where there is an expected answer and that isn't to actually explain how you are. Then why ask it??? To fake empathy, perhaps? If a person doesn't want to hear my answer to a question, I suggest they just don't ask the question. Saves everyone a lot of time, and avoids plenty of confusion. Otherwise I'm just going to continue answering questions in a logical, honest and forthcoming manner, perhaps appearing (to some) as lacking "functioning social skills".

antisthenes 7y ago
It's funny, because that question "How are you?" is never really phrased that way when I talk to friends and family, because I already know what's going on in their life, so I ask specific questions like "How's that promotion at work going?" or "Are you feeling better since that last sickness?". Same goes when they ask me about something. The only people who ask me that question in that specific way are strangers, mostly during solicitation calls or any other calls where they have to read from a script. As per your suggestion, next time I get a marketing call, I might just start delving into the details of my life for 10 minutes, explaining exactly just "how I am" :P
- GauntletWizard 7y ago
  I've found that making a bit of small talk about exactly how I am is a great filter for people who have actual empathy vs people who view other people's lives as distractions from their own.
frenchyatwork 7y ago
"How are you?" is an idiom. Just like "what's up" isn't a question about what is currently in the sky. It's unfortunate, and I wish it didn't exist, but it does. It functions as a politeness marker, and in some settings (i.e. nerdy programmers) politeness markers are seen as unnecessary and pointless, but in others they are seen as necessary. As to why it exists, the answer is the same for just about every other linguistic feature: nobody really knows.