7 ms·

To me, "would you like to" is different than "would you". I would like to get paid to spend 24/7 on vacation, not do another work task, but if you're asking me

To me, "would you like to" is different than "would you". I would like to get paid to spend 24/7 on vacation, not do another work task, but if you're asking me if I would do something you need done, that's different.

mlyle 7y ago
Sure-- the answer for most work tasks would be "no". Let me tell you, though, from experience: when my wife asks "would you like to [go to some event that I clearly wouldn't really like to go to]" --- a blunt "no" is not a good answer to that question, even if it's literally true. ;)
- __s 7y ago
  There could just as easily be an article "They Get Dumped All the Time. And They Have No Idea Why"
- sokoloff 7y ago
  My answer is often “Will I? Yes. Would I like to? No.”
  - enobrev 7y ago
    Same. "I don't _want_ to, but I'd love to join you anyway" is my way. My wife and I both answer with some variation of this now and the extra info is helpful. Sometimes the rest of the conversation goes something like: "Fair enough, let's go for a couple hours and if you're still not into it we can make our way out." OR "Oh, alright, I didn't really want to either, so let's just [send a gift | invite them for dinner next week | whatever]". As for chores - well, they have to get done, but the protest can still be made and noted so it's not a surprise when something is done half-assed.
  - Balgair 7y ago
    You got yourself a jewel of a spouse then!
    - sokoloff 7y ago
      I've often said that I married better than she did. ;)
- mikeash 7y ago
  A romantic relationship is completely different. Sometimes a manager actually wants to find someone with the right combination of skill and enthusiasm to do something. I would definitely take “would you like to?” as part of that process, with a “no” answer being completely reasonable and expected.
  - mlyle 7y ago
    Would you really say just a blunt "no", or would you provide some context as to why? The manager has made a request for a task that needs completing in a gentle, nuanced way, and expects a gentle, nuanced response back. Even "Ehh. That's not the kind of thing I really enjoy doing".
    - mikeash 7y ago
      Sure, I’d explain. But I have a vague sense of social skills. We can fault this employee for not knowing how to communicate, and that’s fair. But it’s a much bigger fault with the manager for not knowing how to deal with it. After all, of the two people involved in this exchange, one of them has “deal with other people” as their entire job description, while the other one has “deal with your manager” as one job requirement among many. Is it so hard to ask “why not?” if a simple “no” isn’t enough?
      - mlyle 7y ago
        It's not hard, and I think anyone reasonable would ask "why not?" But someone who does not understand the employee's autism might leave satisfied with why the employee would not like to complete the task, but assume that the initial blunt "no" was deliberate disrespect or disregard for the manager's request... and after a series of interactions like this, come to an erroneous conclusion that the employee desired to be uncooperative or doesn't care about showing any regard for our feelings. Understanding why helps us be empathetic and "not take it personally."
        fuzz4lyfe 7y ago
- finnthehuman 7y ago
  >the answer for most work tasks would be "no". Well, yeah. But if someone answers honestly when the question was not honest, then the only mistake they made was assuming their job has a stronger work culture than it does. My bosses have bluntly told me to bluntly refuse more forceful requests for my time than that than because I was stretching myself too thin. If someone asked if I desired work I would interpret as an inquiry if I wanted to shift my job focus. I get it - I have a hard time assigning work without beating around the bush too - but I’m working on my communication skills so that I dont cultivate a group of yesman and can get meaningful feedback.
mattrp 7y ago
My wife used to assign important tasks in the form of a question until I told her if it’s a question don’t be surprised if I say no. However if you really want it done just say so and I’ll gladly do it no questions asked. And the whole “can you please” is just another form of coercion in my view - we’ve gotten so polite as a society no one dares damage their own or another’s fragile world when interacting with one another.

mlyle 7y ago

Sure-- the answer for most work tasks would be "no". Let me tell you, though, from experience: when my wife asks "would you like to [go to some event that I clearly wouldn't really like to go to]" --- a blunt "no" is not a good answer to that question, even if it's literally true. ;)

__s 7y ago
There could just as easily be an article "They Get Dumped All the Time. And They Have No Idea Why"
sokoloff 7y ago
My answer is often “Will I? Yes. Would I like to? No.”
- enobrev 7y ago
  Same. "I don't _want_ to, but I'd love to join you anyway" is my way. My wife and I both answer with some variation of this now and the extra info is helpful. Sometimes the rest of the conversation goes something like: "Fair enough, let's go for a couple hours and if you're still not into it we can make our way out." OR "Oh, alright, I didn't really want to either, so let's just [send a gift | invite them for dinner next week | whatever]". As for chores - well, they have to get done, but the protest can still be made and noted so it's not a surprise when something is done half-assed.
- Balgair 7y ago
  You got yourself a jewel of a spouse then!
  - sokoloff 7y ago
    I've often said that I married better than she did. ;)
mikeash 7y ago
A romantic relationship is completely different. Sometimes a manager actually wants to find someone with the right combination of skill and enthusiasm to do something. I would definitely take “would you like to?” as part of that process, with a “no” answer being completely reasonable and expected.
- mlyle 7y ago
  Would you really say just a blunt "no", or would you provide some context as to why? The manager has made a request for a task that needs completing in a gentle, nuanced way, and expects a gentle, nuanced response back. Even "Ehh. That's not the kind of thing I really enjoy doing".
  - mikeash 7y ago
    Sure, I’d explain. But I have a vague sense of social skills. We can fault this employee for not knowing how to communicate, and that’s fair. But it’s a much bigger fault with the manager for not knowing how to deal with it. After all, of the two people involved in this exchange, one of them has “deal with other people” as their entire job description, while the other one has “deal with your manager” as one job requirement among many. Is it so hard to ask “why not?” if a simple “no” isn’t enough?
    - mlyle 7y ago
      It's not hard, and I think anyone reasonable would ask "why not?" But someone who does not understand the employee's autism might leave satisfied with why the employee would not like to complete the task, but assume that the initial blunt "no" was deliberate disrespect or disregard for the manager's request... and after a series of interactions like this, come to an erroneous conclusion that the employee desired to be uncooperative or doesn't care about showing any regard for our feelings. Understanding why helps us be empathetic and "not take it personally."
      - fuzz4lyfe 7y ago
finnthehuman 7y ago
>the answer for most work tasks would be "no". Well, yeah. But if someone answers honestly when the question was not honest, then the only mistake they made was assuming their job has a stronger work culture than it does. My bosses have bluntly told me to bluntly refuse more forceful requests for my time than that than because I was stretching myself too thin. If someone asked if I desired work I would interpret as an inquiry if I wanted to shift my job focus. I get it - I have a hard time assigning work without beating around the bush too - but I’m working on my communication skills so that I dont cultivate a group of yesman and can get meaningful feedback.

mattrp 7y ago

My wife used to assign important tasks in the form of a question until I told her if it’s a question don’t be surprised if I say no. However if you really want it done just say so and I’ll gladly do it no questions asked. And the whole “can you please” is just another form of coercion in my view - we’ve gotten so polite as a society no one dares damage their own or another’s fragile world when interacting with one another.