6 ms·

A note of caution: If you choose to read the actual suicide note as I did, be prepared for a rather intense emotional trip. I don't mean to say that to dissuade

A note of caution: If you choose to read the actual suicide note as I did, be prepared for a rather intense emotional trip. I don't mean to say that to dissuade anyone from reading it, but just that... I was not expecting what I ended up reading and it really made me sit back and, I dunno, just be sad for awhile. Such a shame.

Vivtek 16y ago
I'm still crying. I might be tomorrow.
deleted 16y ago
[deleted]
davidhollander 16y ago
From reading the letter you can tell he was suffering extremely from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout much of his life. I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have: A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war If you want to do something other than sit around feeling sad for a while, help address one of the above problems and prevent the situation from happening again. [further reading] http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article3850302.ece http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/artic... >Ecstasy is the key to treating PTSD At last the incurably traumatised may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And controversially, the key to taming their demons is the ‘killer’ drug Ecstasy http://www.maps.org/research/mdma/ http://www.maps.org/research/mdma/ >For-profit pharmaceutical companies are not interested in developing MDMA into a medicine, because the patent for MDMA has expired. Companies cannot profit off of MDMA because it is only administered a limited number of times, unlike most medications for mental illnesses that are taken on a daily basis. Consequently MAPS is the only organization funding clinical trials of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy in the world http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5334479/ns/health-mental_health/ http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5334479/ns/health-mental_health/ >1 in 8 returning soldiers suffers from PTSD But less than half with problems seek help, report finds
- alexgartrell 16y ago
  This is a very serious thing, and I don't intend to start any kind of back-and-forth here and further distract from the real issues here. That said, standing on a political soap box about drug laws and war when Mr. Zeller's primary problem was obviously having been molested is ridiculous. Yes, it's possible that ecstasy in a clinical setting may have helped him, but he was let down in a lot more ways than an inability to get that particular treatment (as he says in the note, he wasn't even seeking treatment). It's disrespectful to pin this political issue to a man's final note to the world. Even if this was an issue Mr. Zeller felt strongly about, he obviously didn't mean to be some kind of martyr for it. edited to add: I don't disagree with your point, I just think your timing is awful.
  - davidhollander 16y ago
    I respect your disagreement. I see how grouping abuse with other forms of post-traumatic stress could be viewed insensitive to the personal suffering of Mr. Zeller. However, from a psychological perspective, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in all forms is associated with the recurring visions, nightmares, avoidance of treatment, and extreme cumulative pain he refers to. I justify and stand by the timing of my comment using the principle of harm reduction. Whenever painful incidents occur that challenge us very deeply psychologically, the world would be a better place if we all stopped and thought about how we contribute to that pattern of suffering... rather than brushing it under the cognitive rug to "think about later". Because usually we never will.
- philwelch 16y ago
  I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have: A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war A) You're going to have to do better than The Times, MSNBC, and a pro-psychedelic-legalization think tank to say MDMA is the most effective treatment. I'm not closed-minded to the idea that psychedelic drugs have positive psychiatric applications or that they should be legalized, but there's a lot of literature about treatments overall, and you've offered no comparative studies measuring the difference between MDMA and, for instance, cognitive behavioral therapy. B) The stereotypical PTSD case is a returning war veteran. If you hadn't noticed, though, wars also tend to kill people and destroy things, and the added weight of PTSD among veterans doesn't change the essential moral calculus that much. Participating in the Vietnam War wouldn't have become a good idea if it wasn't for PTSD, and participating in the Second World War doesn't become a bad idea just because of PTSD. But there's also no quantification of whether warfare is indeed the primary generator of PTSD cases; it's hard to find reliable statistics about it, but I would bet that most PTSD sufferers in the US are victims of sexual abuse rather than war veterans, since it's probably far, far more common for an American to be raped or sexually assaulted than for an American to join the military, go overseas, and actually participate in combat. Of course, rape isn't something we talk about much.
noname123 16y ago
I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life. It was very well thought-out suicide note; I think most people are quite baffled by it because of the degree of author's rational explanations, extreme honesty and empathy for others in spite of his own pains. Also, he unintentionally perhaps shed light on programming which a lot of us could relate to, At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. Like Bill Zeller, I retreated into programming at an early age to right a wrong and while programming is a lot of fun; I hid behind a screen to escape personal problems that I thought that the coding marathon high, money & prestige would solve. And the more fun programming got, the worse the issues got and the more I dived into my rabbit-hole. This is not to take away anything from Bill Zeller; he is an incredible brave man alive and dead. Anyone who went to Trinity knows that it's a very hostile environment for coming out. The fact that he kept coding software then and beyond and kept a completely normal pretense is incredible to me. And I want to thank him for his iTunes ripping software, his inspiration to me when I was at undergrad and his brutal honesty in his suicide note.
- lwhi 16y ago
  I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life. I disagree. Maybe it's possible to understand some of what he felt from his eloquent explanation, but I don't think suicide is ever the only solution. There will be other people reading this, who will be in similar situations. It fills me with so much sadness to think that there might be one who reads this and thinks .. 'yep, that was the right thing to do'. There isn't anything brave about taking your own life.
Tycho 16y ago
I stopped during the second paragraph, because I suspected as much. Maybe I'll read his old blogs instead, he was sounding like a captivating writer.
- runningdogx 16y ago
  I had that same impression. Although he repeated some of the basic points (darkness, depression, social isolation) ad nauseam, he strikes me as someone who had potential as a writer. It's tragic that he did not explore writing as a non-terminal outlet for his darkness.

Vivtek 16y ago

I'm still crying. I might be tomorrow.

deleted 16y ago

[deleted]

davidhollander 16y ago

From reading the letter you can tell he was suffering extremely from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder throughout much of his life. I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have: A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war If you want to do something other than sit around feeling sad for a while, help address one of the above problems and prevent the situation from happening again. [further reading] http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article3850302.ece http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/artic... >Ecstasy is the key to treating PTSD At last the incurably traumatised may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And controversially, the key to taming their demons is the ‘killer’ drug Ecstasy http://www.maps.org/research/mdma/ http://www.maps.org/research/mdma/ >For-profit pharmaceutical companies are not interested in developing MDMA into a medicine, because the patent for MDMA has expired. Companies cannot profit off of MDMA because it is only administered a limited number of times, unlike most medications for mental illnesses that are taken on a daily basis. Consequently MAPS is the only organization funding clinical trials of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy in the world http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5334479/ns/health-mental_health/ http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5334479/ns/health-mental_health/ >1 in 8 returning soldiers suffers from PTSD But less than half with problems seek help, report finds

alexgartrell 16y ago
This is a very serious thing, and I don't intend to start any kind of back-and-forth here and further distract from the real issues here. That said, standing on a political soap box about drug laws and war when Mr. Zeller's primary problem was obviously having been molested is ridiculous. Yes, it's possible that ecstasy in a clinical setting may have helped him, but he was let down in a lot more ways than an inability to get that particular treatment (as he says in the note, he wasn't even seeking treatment). It's disrespectful to pin this political issue to a man's final note to the world. Even if this was an issue Mr. Zeller felt strongly about, he obviously didn't mean to be some kind of martyr for it. edited to add: I don't disagree with your point, I just think your timing is awful.
- davidhollander 16y ago
  I respect your disagreement. I see how grouping abuse with other forms of post-traumatic stress could be viewed insensitive to the personal suffering of Mr. Zeller. However, from a psychological perspective, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in all forms is associated with the recurring visions, nightmares, avoidance of treatment, and extreme cumulative pain he refers to. I justify and stand by the timing of my comment using the principle of harm reduction. Whenever painful incidents occur that challenge us very deeply psychologically, the world would be a better place if we all stopped and thought about how we contribute to that pattern of suffering... rather than brushing it under the cognitive rug to "think about later". Because usually we never will.
philwelch 16y ago
I did not feel sad as much as disgusted that, through our politicians, we have: A) made illegal the most effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder : MDMA B) continue to support the primary generator of new PTSD cases: war A) You're going to have to do better than The Times, MSNBC, and a pro-psychedelic-legalization think tank to say MDMA is the most effective treatment. I'm not closed-minded to the idea that psychedelic drugs have positive psychiatric applications or that they should be legalized, but there's a lot of literature about treatments overall, and you've offered no comparative studies measuring the difference between MDMA and, for instance, cognitive behavioral therapy. B) The stereotypical PTSD case is a returning war veteran. If you hadn't noticed, though, wars also tend to kill people and destroy things, and the added weight of PTSD among veterans doesn't change the essential moral calculus that much. Participating in the Vietnam War wouldn't have become a good idea if it wasn't for PTSD, and participating in the Second World War doesn't become a bad idea just because of PTSD. But there's also no quantification of whether warfare is indeed the primary generator of PTSD cases; it's hard to find reliable statistics about it, but I would bet that most PTSD sufferers in the US are victims of sexual abuse rather than war veterans, since it's probably far, far more common for an American to be raped or sexually assaulted than for an American to join the military, go overseas, and actually participate in combat. Of course, rape isn't something we talk about much.

noname123 16y ago

I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life. It was very well thought-out suicide note; I think most people are quite baffled by it because of the degree of author's rational explanations, extreme honesty and empathy for others in spite of his own pains. Also, he unintentionally perhaps shed light on programming which a lot of us could relate to, At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. Like Bill Zeller, I retreated into programming at an early age to right a wrong and while programming is a lot of fun; I hid behind a screen to escape personal problems that I thought that the coding marathon high, money & prestige would solve. And the more fun programming got, the worse the issues got and the more I dived into my rabbit-hole. This is not to take away anything from Bill Zeller; he is an incredible brave man alive and dead. Anyone who went to Trinity knows that it's a very hostile environment for coming out. The fact that he kept coding software then and beyond and kept a completely normal pretense is incredible to me. And I want to thank him for his iTunes ripping software, his inspiration to me when I was at undergrad and his brutal honesty in his suicide note.

lwhi 16y ago
I for one, thought that it was quite positive thing and I respect his decision to take his own life. I disagree. Maybe it's possible to understand some of what he felt from his eloquent explanation, but I don't think suicide is ever the only solution. There will be other people reading this, who will be in similar situations. It fills me with so much sadness to think that there might be one who reads this and thinks .. 'yep, that was the right thing to do'. There isn't anything brave about taking your own life.

Tycho 16y ago

I stopped during the second paragraph, because I suspected as much. Maybe I'll read his old blogs instead, he was sounding like a captivating writer.

runningdogx 16y ago
I had that same impression. Although he repeated some of the basic points (darkness, depression, social isolation) ad nauseam, he strikes me as someone who had potential as a writer. It's tragic that he did not explore writing as a non-terminal outlet for his darkness.