3 ms·

Anxiousness, alertness to danger, and the imperative not to show it, is an essence of the male human condition surely?

• phist_mcgee 7y ago
  What a really insightful comment. I had never thought of it from that perspective. I like to view culture as a layer on top of our instinct and natural proclivity for certain behaviours. Men's choice to exhibit or inhibit their anxiety probably would have dictated mating behaviour. No mate would choose another that visibly responded to fears that weren't real. So an adaption would be the redirection of that anxiety into violence or antisocial behaviours, which ironically, are more attractive to some mates, eg. the bad boy image. Fascinating stuff!
  • tachyonbeam 7y ago
    Evolutionary psychology says that women are looking for men who have the characteristics of a strong leader. That means assertiveness, calm, self-confidence, happiness, etc. If you look around, that seems to be very much true. I don't think women are necessarily paying that much attention to wealth, but it definitely seems like they are drawn to confident and charismatic men. Men on the other hand, don't seem to mind if a woman is shy or anxious. It puts you in a tough spot, as a male, because you want to be truthful and honest, express your feelings in a genuine way, but at the same time, there's that voice in your head, that strong societal pressure telling you that telling a woman that you are afraid, anxious or unsure might push her away. I've had a situation recently where a woman suggested that she wanted to sleep with me and came back to my place. We were both shy and nothing happened. She suggested that our being too shy was my fault, that I should have broken the ice and made her feel comfortable, and then she left. I kid you not. My self-esteem was shattered for a week afterwards. This kind of thing is hard to cope with. I think I obviously need to pick kinder women to go on dates with, but I understand why so many men are drawn to alcohol and drug use. It's because they feel society can't accept those feelings of inadequacy and anxiety that they have... And they're partially right. As a male, if you show weakness, you can lose social standing. I think attitudes are maturing and it's easier to be truthful and honest as a modern male, but it's still tough. The worst part is that it seems society generally does not give a shit about the struggles men go through. The popular narrative is all about oppression of women by men, and there isn't that much room for listening to the issues men face. I know that's how it feels to a lot of people. Anyways, just my two cents. To the men who struggle out there, you are not alone, and I hope that you can find good friends who are willing to listen to you.
    • dnh44 7y ago
      > My self-esteem was shattered for a week afterwards. I think I obviously need to pick kinder women to go on dates with. Based on what you've written, I'm not convinced her behaviour was all that unkind. At least you received honest feedback which I think is kind. Consider the social norms of the society you live in and then consider the impact to her self-esteem your lack of initiative had. I say this as someone who had the exact same problem with shyness. Don't get me wrong, shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.
      • shard972 7y ago
        Have you considered that maybe scioety just needs to get with the times?
• habnds 7y ago
  surely if these traits are valuable to survival they would be valuable to females too? dont you think the difference might be nurture not nature?
  • billner 7y ago
    I don't think men were picky enough to care if woman had those traits or not.