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It sounds more like you finding a place to meet people (university) was what freed you from social isolation more than its actual location on earth. Had you not

It sounds more like you finding a place to meet people (university) was what freed you from social isolation more than its actual location on earth. Had you not been homeschooled, it is likely you would have found the same outlet in the schools that were local to your childhood home. I have lived in big cities, but currently reside in a rural area. I have never felt less socially isolated than I do now. They say it takes at least 40 hours of time spent together to make a friend. That makes school the ultimate place to make friends as you're pretty much forced to be around the same people for >40 hours. However, as an adult no longer in school, I have found that the smaller community increases the chances of seeing the same people each day, which prolongs the time spent together, and increases the chances of becoming friends. In the big city, more often than not I'd meet people one day and then never see them again. That is isolating.

ehnto 7y ago
Regular exposure to the same people is the key. What has gone missing is regular gatherings where serendipitous conversations can happen with people you will meet again. That's why people would go to pubs, hobby clubs and skateparks. You know there will be someone you know there without organizing it, if you go there regularly. I have found that few in my broad age bracket(20-40) goes to many places regularly. Even the gym, which should be pretty regimented and consistent, is totally inconsistent in patronage. That's 3 years in the same gym and there is maybe 4 regulars. I have no trouble saying hello to people, but when I never see them again it's a moot point. My best success so far is mountain biking, yet still. I am there the same time every day, three days a week, and rarely see the same person twice. When I do start to notice some regulars, I break something and then by the time I get back to riding the regulars are already back to irregular and I never see them again. I used to think I need to be organizing stuff in order to make and keep friends, but I think we just need to make the concession to be somewhere regularly to give friendships the opportunity to happen. We seek novelty so much the idea of going to the same place twice in a fortnight keeps us all from bumping into eachother.
- notduncansmith 7y ago
  Oldenburg’s concept of a “third place” describes this nicely https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
- germinalphrase 7y ago
  If I had the money, I would think about opening a social club. I experienced them a bit when living in New Orleans, but I also know they are more commonly associated with the wealthy/upper class. I would hope to take it the opposite end. Open to anyone in the community with monthly dues that regular people can afford. Just make it a nice place to socialize, play cards, listen to music, and meet new people. I’m sure it would be an unmitigated disaster as I have no experience running something like this, but it’s a small dream.
- anthonypasq 7y ago
  try rock climbing. there are plenty of regulars that go after work every day. and the atmosphere is substantially more social than a gym
vanilla_nut 7y ago
I'm inclined to agree with this... mostly. I grew up in a very rural part of America (graduated high school with a couple dozen other kids) and now live in NYC. College was by far the best place for me socially so far in life. So I think it's pretty critical to find that "third place" where you can rack up 40 hours of friendship to get close with someone. School where I grew up wasn't much better than homeschooling sounds for the grandfather comment here: there just wasn't a culture of academic interest or many extracurriculars that interested me, beyond musicals and a school quiz team. Awkward high school me just didn't have much in common with the majority of kids where I grew up. A couple dozen classmates really isn't much to choose from. So I think you're overlooking the fact that you need a base of at least enough people that you can find some folks with similar interests, or at least people with compatible personalities. Community college was a positive leap because I had a lot more diversity of classmates from all the different classes I took. That was the first time I was a member of a population large enough to actually find like minds and clubs/activities where I could build relationships. Four year college was the best: I had friends in almost every class, most of the dorms, and had activities like TAing that actually interested me. Thousands of other similarly-smart kids with hundreds of clubs and activities to meet people? That's a perfect formula, and I wish I could replicate it in the post-graduate world. Living in NYC since graduation has been a mixed bag. I feel like most people already have established friend networks so you need at least one decent connection to make it into one of those networks. One difficulty I found was that it takes a lot more active effort to maintain friendships. My college friends do not live nearby, so I have to organize travel to see any of them or at least try to call them up every week or two. The other struggle is that most folks just don't have that much time outside of work. When I add up work (8-10 hours a day, including commute), sleep (6-8 hours a day), running (1 hour a day), cooking (1-3 hours a day)... there's only a couple of hours left to do anything. If you need to travel more than 30 minutes via subway to meet up with a friend, it's easy to start cutting into sleep time. God help you if you have a kid, or a dog, or a significant other who gobbles up more of that time. Anyway, that basically means that most of my friend-making in NYC has boiled down to "people I work with" because that's the place where I see the most people other than my family/existing friends the most consistently. If you're not at a company with a culture perfectly aligned with your personality, it can be tough to make friends at work, and then you get isolated pretty easily. I still haven't found quite the right formula for friends here: I've participated in running clubs, gyms, book clubs, and volunteer work, and none of them have hit the right balance for "regular group interaction" and "people I mesh with well." Hanging out at bars and coffee shops has its place too, but gets pricy and can be lonely to do alone at first. All in all I think the big city just feels more isolating if you don't have friends because it seems like everyone else already has friends here. When I lived in rural America, it was depressing because I knew there was nobody I even wanted to hang out with. In the city I at least have hope that if I meet the right people -- who are definitely around here somewhere -- I could establish a great group of friends. The trouble, as it always is, is in meeting them.

ehnto 7y ago

Regular exposure to the same people is the key. What has gone missing is regular gatherings where serendipitous conversations can happen with people you will meet again. That's why people would go to pubs, hobby clubs and skateparks. You know there will be someone you know there without organizing it, if you go there regularly. I have found that few in my broad age bracket(20-40) goes to many places regularly. Even the gym, which should be pretty regimented and consistent, is totally inconsistent in patronage. That's 3 years in the same gym and there is maybe 4 regulars. I have no trouble saying hello to people, but when I never see them again it's a moot point. My best success so far is mountain biking, yet still. I am there the same time every day, three days a week, and rarely see the same person twice. When I do start to notice some regulars, I break something and then by the time I get back to riding the regulars are already back to irregular and I never see them again. I used to think I need to be organizing stuff in order to make and keep friends, but I think we just need to make the concession to be somewhere regularly to give friendships the opportunity to happen. We seek novelty so much the idea of going to the same place twice in a fortnight keeps us all from bumping into eachother.

notduncansmith 7y ago
Oldenburg’s concept of a “third place” describes this nicely https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place
germinalphrase 7y ago
If I had the money, I would think about opening a social club. I experienced them a bit when living in New Orleans, but I also know they are more commonly associated with the wealthy/upper class. I would hope to take it the opposite end. Open to anyone in the community with monthly dues that regular people can afford. Just make it a nice place to socialize, play cards, listen to music, and meet new people. I’m sure it would be an unmitigated disaster as I have no experience running something like this, but it’s a small dream.
anthonypasq 7y ago
try rock climbing. there are plenty of regulars that go after work every day. and the atmosphere is substantially more social than a gym

vanilla_nut 7y ago

I'm inclined to agree with this... mostly. I grew up in a very rural part of America (graduated high school with a couple dozen other kids) and now live in NYC. College was by far the best place for me socially so far in life. So I think it's pretty critical to find that "third place" where you can rack up 40 hours of friendship to get close with someone. School where I grew up wasn't much better than homeschooling sounds for the grandfather comment here: there just wasn't a culture of academic interest or many extracurriculars that interested me, beyond musicals and a school quiz team. Awkward high school me just didn't have much in common with the majority of kids where I grew up. A couple dozen classmates really isn't much to choose from. So I think you're overlooking the fact that you need a base of at least enough people that you can find some folks with similar interests, or at least people with compatible personalities. Community college was a positive leap because I had a lot more diversity of classmates from all the different classes I took. That was the first time I was a member of a population large enough to actually find like minds and clubs/activities where I could build relationships. Four year college was the best: I had friends in almost every class, most of the dorms, and had activities like TAing that actually interested me. Thousands of other similarly-smart kids with hundreds of clubs and activities to meet people? That's a perfect formula, and I wish I could replicate it in the post-graduate world. Living in NYC since graduation has been a mixed bag. I feel like most people already have established friend networks so you need at least one decent connection to make it into one of those networks. One difficulty I found was that it takes a lot more active effort to maintain friendships. My college friends do not live nearby, so I have to organize travel to see any of them or at least try to call them up every week or two. The other struggle is that most folks just don't have that much time outside of work. When I add up work (8-10 hours a day, including commute), sleep (6-8 hours a day), running (1 hour a day), cooking (1-3 hours a day)... there's only a couple of hours left to do anything. If you need to travel more than 30 minutes via subway to meet up with a friend, it's easy to start cutting into sleep time. God help you if you have a kid, or a dog, or a significant other who gobbles up more of that time. Anyway, that basically means that most of my friend-making in NYC has boiled down to "people I work with" because that's the place where I see the most people other than my family/existing friends the most consistently. If you're not at a company with a culture perfectly aligned with your personality, it can be tough to make friends at work, and then you get isolated pretty easily. I still haven't found quite the right formula for friends here: I've participated in running clubs, gyms, book clubs, and volunteer work, and none of them have hit the right balance for "regular group interaction" and "people I mesh with well." Hanging out at bars and coffee shops has its place too, but gets pricy and can be lonely to do alone at first. All in all I think the big city just feels more isolating if you don't have friends because it seems like everyone else already has friends here. When I lived in rural America, it was depressing because I knew there was nobody I even wanted to hang out with. In the city I at least have hope that if I meet the right people -- who are definitely around here somewhere -- I could establish a great group of friends. The trouble, as it always is, is in meeting them.