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I've used a couple of principles regarding CBT to become more social and to get a better dating life. The first book I read was Michael Hall's Mindlines, which

I've used a couple of principles regarding CBT to become more social and to get a better dating life. The first book I read was Michael Hall's Mindlines, which was an NLP book (a nonsense pseudoscience acronym). A couple of years later I learned about CBT and saw it has a lot in common with NLP. The biggest difference: CBT has scientific research into it and NLP doesn't, a couple of people simply made it up. When I tackled these problems I was 16, around 18 I was a lot more scientific about this. The key insights regarding CBT for me were the following: 1. Start with small goals and celebrate them. 2. Log the following questions: A. To what extent do I think event foo or thought bar will happen? E.g. to what extent do I think I'll get ridiculed while introducing myself to this new group of people? B. (after it happened) what actually happened and to what extent was this in line with my expectations? After doing it for 10 times, 5 groups were cold and generally non-responsive, 1 ridiculed me and 4 were very friendly and happy to have met me (from experience this would be a particularly worst case realistic example for me). 3. I've used this so many times: if you feel terrible, ask yourself whether you're having the right perspective. If you feel like you do, then ask yourself it's the only right perspective. If you feel you do, see if you can find other perspectives anyway and ask yourself whether those perspectives gave you new information. This did wonders on how I viewed my physical attractiveness. My opinion used to be: I'm ugly. My opinion now is quite nuanced and grouped into segments by age and personality type. Conclusion: the people I like either don't care (too much) or they find me attractive. It took me a long time to this conclusion. For a long time I had another one which was: I'm not that good looking but looks don't matter too much in dating, or at least not when people meet me. Those 3 insights really helped. It's funny, I also studied psychology but that never really helped as much in this area as CBT before it. --- If you guys feel up for it, then send me an email (see my profile) to reach out to brainstorm on things regarding CBT/psychology, dev or UX. I thought this was completely solved but apparently it isn't. I wish there were more positive psychology[1]/tech companies on the whoishiring thread, if I weren't applying for McKinsey right now, I'd have publicly asked to see whether I could help you guys out. [1] While CBT isn't part of positive psychology, I feel they're quite close to the spirit of it which is why I include it.

flaque 7y ago
1000% this: > if you feel terrible, ask yourself whether you're having the right perspective. One of the most common bits of "debugging" we do with folks is that they know they feel like crap, but they're not sure if there's a thought associated with it. Almost every time, the thought that they should be challenging IS "I feel like crap."
- mettamage 7y ago
  I find it one of the most intriguing parts about CBT, because I don't know of any research on one of the fundamental assumptions it has (from my interpretation), which is: your feeling/emotion is caused in a big part by a thought you have. For me this seems to be at least mostly true, which is why I can use the assumption. It was then that I realized that I'm a believer of the appraisal theory [1]. But I still didn't find any convincing paper on it to what extent this is true. The danger this can have is that it may be that some feelings/emotions are not caused by your thoughts, but because of something else, but yet you try to CBT it away. One example is: you simply have a chemical imbalance. The first question I asked in this case is: do I exercise? If not, then let's hit up that dopamine button first in a healthy way. If I do exercise, the next question is: am I eating healthy? I also put social contact in as a 3rd possible factor. Whenever I went to meditation retreats (they double as a silent retreat), I noticed that my thoughts went in loops and other people break you out of your thought loops. It was then how I viscerally experienced how one might become crazy when they are left alone. I also found ways to battle it (e.g. try to do math in your head and come to newfound knowledge). My full (mental) checklist is: 1. Am I exercising? If not then there might be a dopamine issue. 2. Am I eating/drinking in a healthy way? If not then your body might not be working properly. 3. Did I sleep in a healthy way? If not then the same as point 2. 4. Am I experiencing constant stress for more than 2 weeks? If so, then cortisol might be screwing up my HPA axis [2]. I should check for burnout/depression symptoms to verify. 5. Have I been a hermit for more than 2 weeks? If so, have I been focused or mind wandering? If I have been mind wandering mostly, then it's time to visit some friends. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appraisal_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appraisal_theory [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothalamic%E2%80%93pituitary%E2%80%93adrenal_axis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothalamic%E2%80%93pituitary...

flaque 7y ago

1000% this: > if you feel terrible, ask yourself whether you're having the right perspective. One of the most common bits of "debugging" we do with folks is that they know they feel like crap, but they're not sure if there's a thought associated with it. Almost every time, the thought that they should be challenging IS "I feel like crap."

mettamage 7y ago
I find it one of the most intriguing parts about CBT, because I don't know of any research on one of the fundamental assumptions it has (from my interpretation), which is: your feeling/emotion is caused in a big part by a thought you have. For me this seems to be at least mostly true, which is why I can use the assumption. It was then that I realized that I'm a believer of the appraisal theory [1]. But I still didn't find any convincing paper on it to what extent this is true. The danger this can have is that it may be that some feelings/emotions are not caused by your thoughts, but because of something else, but yet you try to CBT it away. One example is: you simply have a chemical imbalance. The first question I asked in this case is: do I exercise? If not, then let's hit up that dopamine button first in a healthy way. If I do exercise, the next question is: am I eating healthy? I also put social contact in as a 3rd possible factor. Whenever I went to meditation retreats (they double as a silent retreat), I noticed that my thoughts went in loops and other people break you out of your thought loops. It was then how I viscerally experienced how one might become crazy when they are left alone. I also found ways to battle it (e.g. try to do math in your head and come to newfound knowledge). My full (mental) checklist is: 1. Am I exercising? If not then there might be a dopamine issue. 2. Am I eating/drinking in a healthy way? If not then your body might not be working properly. 3. Did I sleep in a healthy way? If not then the same as point 2. 4. Am I experiencing constant stress for more than 2 weeks? If so, then cortisol might be screwing up my HPA axis [2]. I should check for burnout/depression symptoms to verify. 5. Have I been a hermit for more than 2 weeks? If so, have I been focused or mind wandering? If I have been mind wandering mostly, then it's time to visit some friends. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appraisal_theory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appraisal_theory [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothalamic%E2%80%93pituitary%E2%80%93adrenal_axis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypothalamic%E2%80%93pituitary...