4 ms·

Do you ever get jealous reading about those medieval monks who would just live in a monastery and read, meditate/pray and copy-down books all day? I do. When I

Do you ever get jealous reading about those medieval monks who would just live in a monastery and read, meditate/pray and copy-down books all day? I do. When I'm acknowledging my worst depressive tendencies, I feel so much resentment for the way we're told that living revolves around constant productivity and being valuable to others. I think when I want an "out", I really just want to be out of that. I've had these feelings my whole life though. When I was 14, I was 100% sure I would never make it to 18. I ended up getting hospitalized and changing schools midway through highschool. The therapy and drugs didn't really help the root cause, but the experience made me feel like I had permission to fail in a way. I felt I then knew what it was like to be completely useless and written off by everyone as without value, but it was sort of empowering in a weird way. I felt like I was in the bonus-round of a video game. Not chasing death but not really afraid of it either. Later on, I realized I was less angry with the world when I just accepted myself as a hopeless outlier with no intention of properly assimilating and that people's expectations of me were going to end up aligning accordingly anyhow. But I think some people need ways to "drop-out", at least for a period. Back in the past, I think monasteries let people with that need escape. I don't know how we're expected to do it today. I wish I did.

hestipod 7y ago
Not exactly the same as you, I think the monastery life sounds pretty miserable, but I think the underlying sentiment is for sure there. I never had feelings like this until doctors ruined my health, costing me everything else. I liked my career for the most part and was fortunate in that. I had a decent personal life and enjoyed my time and hobbies and chosen relationships. It was losing my quality of life and being abandoned once that made me non-productive that killed me. Being expected to do more with less when even people in a normal situation have struggles. I have a clear before/after mindset due to my circumstances. I have great empathy for people who have felt this way their entire life and known nothing else. I don't know if that's easier or harder overall but its equally as miserable in the present moment. As long as our right to live, get healthcare, basic human things, is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning", lots of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it.
- sudosteph 7y ago
  > As long as our right to live is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning" lost of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it. People who truly believe that what you describe is "ok" are far more broken than you and I will ever be. They may not know it or see the consequences, but that doesn't change the basic reality of the situation. When you live within a system that does this to people, what options do we have? We can try to skate by and learn to be thankful for the scraps thrown our way, we can withdraw altogether, or we can try to change things, knowing that change can only be attempted at great personal cost and risk. For me, after I had accepted that I could withdraw at any time, the risks that come from attempting to bring about change are less scary. I don't know which path you are on in world, but I wish you luck all the same and just wanted to let you know you're not wrong. The world is a messed up place. Selfishly, I'd like to have you around - even if it's only to point out the truth of it on HN as you've been doing. The truth is always valuable and every once in a while, something will resonant with someone in some way, and that means something. Your comment certainly resonated with me.
  - hestipod 7y ago
    That's kind of you, and I wish you the same luck and peace.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]

hestipod 7y ago

Not exactly the same as you, I think the monastery life sounds pretty miserable, but I think the underlying sentiment is for sure there. I never had feelings like this until doctors ruined my health, costing me everything else. I liked my career for the most part and was fortunate in that. I had a decent personal life and enjoyed my time and hobbies and chosen relationships. It was losing my quality of life and being abandoned once that made me non-productive that killed me. Being expected to do more with less when even people in a normal situation have struggles. I have a clear before/after mindset due to my circumstances. I have great empathy for people who have felt this way their entire life and known nothing else. I don't know if that's easier or harder overall but its equally as miserable in the present moment. As long as our right to live, get healthcare, basic human things, is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning", lots of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it.

sudosteph 7y ago
> As long as our right to live is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning" lost of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it. People who truly believe that what you describe is "ok" are far more broken than you and I will ever be. They may not know it or see the consequences, but that doesn't change the basic reality of the situation. When you live within a system that does this to people, what options do we have? We can try to skate by and learn to be thankful for the scraps thrown our way, we can withdraw altogether, or we can try to change things, knowing that change can only be attempted at great personal cost and risk. For me, after I had accepted that I could withdraw at any time, the risks that come from attempting to bring about change are less scary. I don't know which path you are on in world, but I wish you luck all the same and just wanted to let you know you're not wrong. The world is a messed up place. Selfishly, I'd like to have you around - even if it's only to point out the truth of it on HN as you've been doing. The truth is always valuable and every once in a while, something will resonant with someone in some way, and that means something. Your comment certainly resonated with me.
- hestipod 7y ago
  That's kind of you, and I wish you the same luck and peace.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]