4 ms·

I am 45 and am 99% sure I won't make it to 46. This isn't some unexplained "out of nowhere" ideation. It's a consequence of being beat down and taken from over

I am 45 and am 99% sure I won't make it to 46. This isn't some unexplained "out of nowhere" ideation. It's a consequence of being beat down and taken from over and over, then having to make due with less and less, rinse, repeat. There is a breaking point. In my experience most suicidal people I come across are so because of the same chronic loss and suffering. Pills and therapy and hotlines don't help. They are plasters ignoring root causes. Root causes take time and money and that's too much to ask. I posted over a year ago in a desperate attempt to find a job that I could do despite all my issues. I'd been fighting for that for years. Because there is no social system where I am, not one that helps people. Culture here is about bootstraps and anyone who doesn't pull them or have them is a mooch loser who "deserves" what they get. I couldn't get myself anywhere better because of my issues. So I had to try and make due in the same grind but with far less ability and energy. One kind soul, the only one in all this time, offered such a job and I tried to get there, things got worse for me from a few sides and I slid back and couldn't go. I am still TRYING and hoping, but hope isn't enough. You have to be able to act, and the ground has to stay under you and not collapse. We all know how difficult work and earning can be even when we are young and healthy and love what we do, imagine doing it when in constant pain, with no family who loves you, with no access to high quality medical care. Imagine seeing everyone around you grind and be exhausted and not having the opportunity and endurance they do. Not being able to go home and enjoy something after work because it takes all your mettle just to survive a day. I have taken to using HN to vent my feelings on this topic when it comes up, and probably sound like a one trick pony. I am not even sure I care anymore. I used to worry what impression I would leave. That I might upset someone or ruin an ally with my depressive state. It all seems like it is irrelevant now as I won't make it anyway. Years ago when I still had some shreds of bootstraps I couldn't get any help from people or systems. I am incredibly resentful because I believe I could have built something then to get through this life and do some good. Now I feel most of the time like I won't make it regardless. I feel only social support/financial security/medical access would even possibly give me a chance..and society and family have decided I am not "worth" that. My value has been recorded and notated. You cannot really beat a system like that. Once you lose you means to grind and become a drain on profits you become a thing to be disposed of rather than a person. Nobody WANTS to be in these shoes. Nobody CHOOSES it. Until next time...or not...

ryacko 7y ago
You can join a church.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
- hestipod 7y ago
  I didn't downvote you, but that's not a solution. I am not religious and not interested in that culture. It's a very middle American idea that church replaces family and social support and its some haven to reach out to...it doesn't really work like that except in the brochure.
sudosteph 7y ago
Do you ever get jealous reading about those medieval monks who would just live in a monastery and read, meditate/pray and copy-down books all day? I do. When I'm acknowledging my worst depressive tendencies, I feel so much resentment for the way we're told that living revolves around constant productivity and being valuable to others. I think when I want an "out", I really just want to be out of that. I've had these feelings my whole life though. When I was 14, I was 100% sure I would never make it to 18. I ended up getting hospitalized and changing schools midway through highschool. The therapy and drugs didn't really help the root cause, but the experience made me feel like I had permission to fail in a way. I felt I then knew what it was like to be completely useless and written off by everyone as without value, but it was sort of empowering in a weird way. I felt like I was in the bonus-round of a video game. Not chasing death but not really afraid of it either. Later on, I realized I was less angry with the world when I just accepted myself as a hopeless outlier with no intention of properly assimilating and that people's expectations of me were going to end up aligning accordingly anyhow. But I think some people need ways to "drop-out", at least for a period. Back in the past, I think monasteries let people with that need escape. I don't know how we're expected to do it today. I wish I did.
- hestipod 7y ago
  Not exactly the same as you, I think the monastery life sounds pretty miserable, but I think the underlying sentiment is for sure there. I never had feelings like this until doctors ruined my health, costing me everything else. I liked my career for the most part and was fortunate in that. I had a decent personal life and enjoyed my time and hobbies and chosen relationships. It was losing my quality of life and being abandoned once that made me non-productive that killed me. Being expected to do more with less when even people in a normal situation have struggles. I have a clear before/after mindset due to my circumstances. I have great empathy for people who have felt this way their entire life and known nothing else. I don't know if that's easier or harder overall but its equally as miserable in the present moment. As long as our right to live, get healthcare, basic human things, is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning", lots of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it.

ryacko 7y ago

You can join a church.

deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
hestipod 7y ago
I didn't downvote you, but that's not a solution. I am not religious and not interested in that culture. It's a very middle American idea that church replaces family and social support and its some haven to reach out to...it doesn't really work like that except in the brochure.

sudosteph 7y ago

Do you ever get jealous reading about those medieval monks who would just live in a monastery and read, meditate/pray and copy-down books all day? I do. When I'm acknowledging my worst depressive tendencies, I feel so much resentment for the way we're told that living revolves around constant productivity and being valuable to others. I think when I want an "out", I really just want to be out of that. I've had these feelings my whole life though. When I was 14, I was 100% sure I would never make it to 18. I ended up getting hospitalized and changing schools midway through highschool. The therapy and drugs didn't really help the root cause, but the experience made me feel like I had permission to fail in a way. I felt I then knew what it was like to be completely useless and written off by everyone as without value, but it was sort of empowering in a weird way. I felt like I was in the bonus-round of a video game. Not chasing death but not really afraid of it either. Later on, I realized I was less angry with the world when I just accepted myself as a hopeless outlier with no intention of properly assimilating and that people's expectations of me were going to end up aligning accordingly anyhow. But I think some people need ways to "drop-out", at least for a period. Back in the past, I think monasteries let people with that need escape. I don't know how we're expected to do it today. I wish I did.

hestipod 7y ago
Not exactly the same as you, I think the monastery life sounds pretty miserable, but I think the underlying sentiment is for sure there. I never had feelings like this until doctors ruined my health, costing me everything else. I liked my career for the most part and was fortunate in that. I had a decent personal life and enjoyed my time and hobbies and chosen relationships. It was losing my quality of life and being abandoned once that made me non-productive that killed me. Being expected to do more with less when even people in a normal situation have struggles. I have a clear before/after mindset due to my circumstances. I have great empathy for people who have felt this way their entire life and known nothing else. I don't know if that's easier or harder overall but its equally as miserable in the present moment. As long as our right to live, get healthcare, basic human things, is tied entirely to our ability to earn within a system that is dependent on competing with others and continually "winning", lots of people are going to get left behind. And for many that's fine and those people "deserve" it.