Since it seems like we’re already near tongue-in-cheek but still functional: it doesn’t need to; there’s a perfectly good oversized one sitting at the left end

Since it seems like we’re already near tongue-in-cheek but still functional: it doesn’t need to; there’s a perfectly good oversized one sitting at the left end of the home row. If you’d like, you can even make it both Escape (by itself) and Control (when used in combination with another key).