8 ms·

I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it pe

I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it personally. I also try to work on it and try to help steer the conversation to other people who have been cut off when I see it happen. So IMO don't be afraid to politely just let someone know! If you don't feel comfortable during the meeting, maybe speak with them afterwards, doesn't need to be a big deal, just let em know. If you don't feel comfortable being a little confrontational, speaking with manager types or even just before a meeting indirectly bringing up that everyone should focus on it can help too. I know sometimes people cut off others very purposefully or in malicious ways, but it sounds like maybe where you're working that's just how it is- so everyone kind of has to play the game to be heard. In that case, try and change the game! A little bit of discomfort now can lead to yourself and probably others being happier down the road.

avgDev 7y ago
I do it too....and I hate it........ I'm trying to tackle it by writing it down and waiting for others to finish with some decent success.
- ethbro 7y ago
  Try keeping a stopwatch in your head (think speed chess). Start it when you start talking, and periodically make it a habit to check ("How long has it been since someone else talked?"). If it's been too long, wrap up your thoughts and pause a while before launching into the next bit. It's usually obliviousness ("I didn't notice anyone else", in my personal experience), but it can feel very rude to others ("I didn't want to listen to anyone else"). All part of soft skills. We all get better together.
  - the_arun 7y ago
    I do it too & I hate it. My worry is that if I don't say it immediately I'll forget my comment/argument. I've tried scribbling it down and raise them later. But not very consistent in this process.
    - ethbro 7y ago
      I tell myself it's always better my idea goes unheard than someone else not get to share theirs. If it's really important, I'll remember it.
      - the_arun 7y ago
        That is very nice way of articulating it
- dyukqu 7y ago
  I (rarely) do it too. What I realized is in most cases (if not all) it's all about spitting it out whatever is in my mind without any intention to listen to what others are trying to say and without thinking that I can learn so much from others. Writing it down won't get you too far, imho. Because you probably still will be in rush just to read what you noted down and eventually miss the chance to learn from others. It's all about listening first. There was a thread here on HN recently, titled "People with Greater Intellectual Humility Have Superior General Knowledge".[0] I think it's pretty relevant here in this topic. Intellectual humility goes a long way I'd say :-) [0]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20124447 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20124447
  - humanrebar 7y ago
    > What I realized is in most cases (if not all) it's all about spitting it out whatever is in my mind without any intention to listen to what others are trying to say and without thinking that I can learn so much from others. Sometimes technical thoughts can be literally founded on faulty assumptions and will teach you nothing unless providing another anecdote of a conceptual mistake is instructive. Listening in bikeshedding conversations is a wise maneuver, though. Save your forceful thoughts for actual problems.
- fictorial 7y ago
  I wear a rubber band on my wrist and lightly snap it when someone is telling me something and I feel compelled to interrupt. It brings me out of the moment just enough to wait. But, you have to remember that the rubber band exists :-)
  - iovrthoughtthis 7y ago
    The is a cool strategy! I will definitely try and employ this.
  - midgetjones 7y ago
    I hope you don't snap it too loudly, because I would probably find that noise as offputting as an interruption :)
    - mikestew 7y ago
      If I know parent is doing to keep from talking over the top of the quiet team member, I will be more than happy to put up with the snapping.
- DenisM 7y ago
  Instead of writing down your thoughts write down the names of people you cut off, then track them down and apologize. Apology speaks directly to your impulsive mind, a kind of self-inflicted peer pressure mechanism.
ducktypegoose 7y ago
Most interrupters are exactly like andrewcarter here, they just get excited. When someone does it they're most likely not trying to be rude, and it's well within your consideration to air your complaint, "I am happy to hear your thoughts, but please let me finish my own before you share yours." It isn't a rude or confrontational sentiment. Nobody likes being interrupted, and nobody likes being called-out as an interrupter. Do that once or twice in a meeting and the over-talkers may all but stop moving forward. Nobody is going to resent you for laying down some fundamental courtesies, especially since it means everyone will have better opportunity to speak without interruption.
- carlosdp 7y ago
  I have this issue too, I think it also has to do a bit with cultural background sometimes. I grew up in a hispanic family in a majority hispanic community, where my everyday conversation with people was people talking over each other. It was common to start making your point while the other person was still finishing theirs. The difference is, because everyone did it, we would just keep talking, even if we were cut off, and finish our thought. The other person would hear it, while still talking, and the conversation continues naturally. If you were in a group, you had to go louder than the currently speaking person in order to "grab the baton" and get your word in (something I was often too quiet for). This was my normal throughout childhood. It was a culture shock when I went to college and eventually someone called me out for cutting people off all the time. It was then that I realized that now, when I cut someone off, they actually stopped talking. I still struggle with this, because I reflexively expect people to not let me stop them.
  - dmlorenzetti 7y ago
    "One of the most striking aspects of high involvement style that I found and analyzed in detail was the use of what I called 'cooperative overlap': a listener talking along with a speaker not in order to interrupt but to show enthusiastic listenership and participation. The concept of overlap versus interruption became one of the cornerstones of my argument that the stereotype of New York Jews as pushy and aggressive is an unfortunate reflection of the effect of high involvement style in conversation with speakers who use a different style. (In my study I called the other style 'high considerateness')." Deborah Tannen, Gender and Discourse. Oxford University Press, 1994 https://www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1689927 https://www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1...
bargl 7y ago
I have this same problem. The best thing I can do is attempt to use my natural inclination to help people like OP. To that end, I'll usually say things like. "I think this is what "president" was saying, am I right?" This both validates to a more quiet team member that I heard them, but also gives them back the floor from someone who interrupted them. I also attempt to listen to signals from quiet people who have opinions and then ask them their opinion after sharing. If they grunt or make a noise then I can direct it away from people who are more like myself and willing to speak out. My goal is to not take the spotlight but instead to re-direct. I do this because I used to be SUPER quiet and I worked hard to get away from that. Now I'm considered fairly outspoken but I remember what it's like to be quiet and try to help out by giving them the time they need.
imhoguy 7y ago
I wonder is some of you here recognizing own interrupting problem have got ADHD symptoms and diagnosis? Isn't it strongly correlated with Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive trait?
- moksly 7y ago
  I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, because it absolutely is. It’s what lead me to go get tested. I just got so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t stop interrupting, even when I was consciously working on it. At some point my wife pointed out it was an ADHD symptom, and my immediate reaction was to shrug it off. I’m a CS major, I’ve always held a steady job, and, I’ve never had problems concentrating on complicated problems. Turns out keeping your attention on something interesting isn’t actually a problem for people with ADHD. It’s the boring stuff that’s hard, and boy do I hate the boring stuff. We pay people to clean our house. I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home. I’ve paid people to do my laundry for as long as I’ve had a decent job. Heh. Long story short, I’m now in the process of being tested for ADHD. I’m not sure the results will change anything, I’ve done fine so far after all, but knowing is better, and it was interrupting people that started it.
  - kaibee 7y ago
    > I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home. Yep, same here. Though if I do cook, it has to be a massive production. If there's not something to be actively preparing the whole time, it's too boring to make. Which means there's gonna be a ton of dishes... that I really don't want to do.
  - y0y 7y ago
    I always tell people that ADHD is not an inability to pay attention, it's an inability to direct and focus one's attention at-will. Whatever is most stimulating gets my attention.
- the_watcher 7y ago
  Yes. I have this tendency, and I have ADHD. I know I can tend towards it. I often find myself circling back to someone after a first meeting with them (when I realize I interrupted them a lot) and apologizing, letting them know I am aware that it's a weakness, and to please let me know if it ever gets out of hand (I intentionally ask them to decide for themselves what "out of hand" means, as some people are entirely ok with an interruption packed conversation).
golergka 7y ago
Same here. I often decide that the other person have stopped talking prematurely because they've made a long pause and I was eager to jump in. However, if I notice that I have interrupted someone too late, I finish my point, and then say "but I've interrupted you, you were talking about X", and then make an effort to listen actively instead of coming up with thoughts of my own. Sometimes, when we get carried away, I remind the other person of something he had been talking about so long ago that even he has forgotten about it. In my experience, being able not just go with the flow of the conversation, but keeping long conversation "stack traces" in mind so you can go back and actually "return" from a "subroutine" in your conversation is one of the most useful communication skills I have.
gdgvf_q13ffd 7y ago
Andrew, if you work at LinkedIn in 950, I have a request. Not sure if you realize this, but you talk very loudly around your desk. In the open work setting, this is very annoying and makes it hard for other coworkers to focus. Please tone it down, or just find a conference room.
hinkley 7y ago
A lot of the time I’m like you, or I see that the person is starting a long train of thoughts based on a faulty premise... why would you let someone catastrophize or take everyone in a magic carpet ride that is based on bad information? But that is unfortunately not always why. Some people take a very, very long time to get to a point they’ve already telegraphed long before. In a conversation that’s about problem solving, this is wasting everybody’s time, and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction. Daylight’s burning. To these people I say, think about your writing style. Do you bury the lead? Do you save your best information for last? Sort yourself out. Give the person permission to stop reading when they get the gist. Then try to do the same with your speaking. Maybe work on noticing comprehension cues from your peers. The longer we go on a tangent the higher the probability that everyone’s working memory has been reset. If that keeps happening, a good solution is unlikely to arise. And if you don’t have time to do it right you have time to do it over. If you’re accepting defeat at the beginning, just pull the bandaid off, pick any reversible solution and get on to other problems.
- lwhi 7y ago
  > But that is unfortunately not always why. Some people take a very, very long time to get to a point they’ve already telegraphed long before. In a conversation that’s about problem solving, this is wasting everybody’s time, and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction. Daylight’s burning. This is definitely part of my problem. I get excited; I can understand where a point is going; I get impatient, especially when I'm hearing it described in an overly verbose way. However, I think I probably need to remember that it's worth hearing someone out. Ultimately the team might benefit, even though the problem might be solved at a slightly slower pace.
- DanBC 7y ago
  The way to address those people is in private, outside a meeting. Behaving the way you do is just rude, and is not acceptable in any workplace I'm part of. > and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction Just to be really clear: this makes you toxic.
  - 7y ago
winternett 7y ago
I had the same issue where I was always compelled to speak up if I felt like there was something important to be said... It really made me look like an a-hole. I asked a good friend of mine who was a successful CEO that people really listened to what his secret was... He said he stays quiet until people ask him for his opinion, then he makes sure what he says is succinct and on point as much as possible. That blew me away. Since I have been practicing that method I have noticed amazing results. It's really something that I continually need to work on, and it doesn't work with family and friends (of course) but try it out... Also, fight the urge to put emojis in company emails, people will lose respect for you ... :\ ... Crap, still working on that one.
- theandrewbailey 7y ago
  This assumes that someone values your unknown (to them) opinion enough to ask for it.
  - winternett 7y ago
    In the scenario I mentioned, it doesn't always involve waiting for someone to always ask you to speak before you say anything, It's primarily the art of holding back on saying anything until everyone else wears out their voices, or until they turn towards you for your opinion. These days a lot of people feel the need to be first and last to talk. This way, you're in the middle, but not overly invested in being heard, but choosing times when you speak, and choosing your words carefully for relevance, for best overall impact. Eventually after a while of practicing this, people grow into the habit of looking forward to your input, and they always ask you for it, provided you don't screw up things too often.

avgDev 7y ago

I do it too....and I hate it........ I'm trying to tackle it by writing it down and waiting for others to finish with some decent success.

ethbro 7y ago
Try keeping a stopwatch in your head (think speed chess). Start it when you start talking, and periodically make it a habit to check ("How long has it been since someone else talked?"). If it's been too long, wrap up your thoughts and pause a while before launching into the next bit. It's usually obliviousness ("I didn't notice anyone else", in my personal experience), but it can feel very rude to others ("I didn't want to listen to anyone else"). All part of soft skills. We all get better together.
- the_arun 7y ago
  I do it too & I hate it. My worry is that if I don't say it immediately I'll forget my comment/argument. I've tried scribbling it down and raise them later. But not very consistent in this process.
  - ethbro 7y ago
    I tell myself it's always better my idea goes unheard than someone else not get to share theirs. If it's really important, I'll remember it.
    - the_arun 7y ago
      That is very nice way of articulating it
dyukqu 7y ago
I (rarely) do it too. What I realized is in most cases (if not all) it's all about spitting it out whatever is in my mind without any intention to listen to what others are trying to say and without thinking that I can learn so much from others. Writing it down won't get you too far, imho. Because you probably still will be in rush just to read what you noted down and eventually miss the chance to learn from others. It's all about listening first. There was a thread here on HN recently, titled "People with Greater Intellectual Humility Have Superior General Knowledge".[0] I think it's pretty relevant here in this topic. Intellectual humility goes a long way I'd say :-) [0]https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20124447 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20124447
- humanrebar 7y ago
  > What I realized is in most cases (if not all) it's all about spitting it out whatever is in my mind without any intention to listen to what others are trying to say and without thinking that I can learn so much from others. Sometimes technical thoughts can be literally founded on faulty assumptions and will teach you nothing unless providing another anecdote of a conceptual mistake is instructive. Listening in bikeshedding conversations is a wise maneuver, though. Save your forceful thoughts for actual problems.
fictorial 7y ago
I wear a rubber band on my wrist and lightly snap it when someone is telling me something and I feel compelled to interrupt. It brings me out of the moment just enough to wait. But, you have to remember that the rubber band exists :-)
- iovrthoughtthis 7y ago
  The is a cool strategy! I will definitely try and employ this.
- midgetjones 7y ago
  I hope you don't snap it too loudly, because I would probably find that noise as offputting as an interruption :)
  - mikestew 7y ago
    If I know parent is doing to keep from talking over the top of the quiet team member, I will be more than happy to put up with the snapping.
DenisM 7y ago
Instead of writing down your thoughts write down the names of people you cut off, then track them down and apologize. Apology speaks directly to your impulsive mind, a kind of self-inflicted peer pressure mechanism.

ducktypegoose 7y ago

Most interrupters are exactly like andrewcarter here, they just get excited. When someone does it they're most likely not trying to be rude, and it's well within your consideration to air your complaint, "I am happy to hear your thoughts, but please let me finish my own before you share yours." It isn't a rude or confrontational sentiment. Nobody likes being interrupted, and nobody likes being called-out as an interrupter. Do that once or twice in a meeting and the over-talkers may all but stop moving forward. Nobody is going to resent you for laying down some fundamental courtesies, especially since it means everyone will have better opportunity to speak without interruption.

carlosdp 7y ago
I have this issue too, I think it also has to do a bit with cultural background sometimes. I grew up in a hispanic family in a majority hispanic community, where my everyday conversation with people was people talking over each other. It was common to start making your point while the other person was still finishing theirs. The difference is, because everyone did it, we would just keep talking, even if we were cut off, and finish our thought. The other person would hear it, while still talking, and the conversation continues naturally. If you were in a group, you had to go louder than the currently speaking person in order to "grab the baton" and get your word in (something I was often too quiet for). This was my normal throughout childhood. It was a culture shock when I went to college and eventually someone called me out for cutting people off all the time. It was then that I realized that now, when I cut someone off, they actually stopped talking. I still struggle with this, because I reflexively expect people to not let me stop them.
- dmlorenzetti 7y ago
  "One of the most striking aspects of high involvement style that I found and analyzed in detail was the use of what I called 'cooperative overlap': a listener talking along with a speaker not in order to interrupt but to show enthusiastic listenership and participation. The concept of overlap versus interruption became one of the cornerstones of my argument that the stereotype of New York Jews as pushy and aggressive is an unfortunate reflection of the effect of high involvement style in conversation with speakers who use a different style. (In my study I called the other style 'high considerateness')." Deborah Tannen, Gender and Discourse. Oxford University Press, 1994 https://www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1689927 https://www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1...

bargl 7y ago

I have this same problem. The best thing I can do is attempt to use my natural inclination to help people like OP. To that end, I'll usually say things like. "I think this is what "president" was saying, am I right?" This both validates to a more quiet team member that I heard them, but also gives them back the floor from someone who interrupted them. I also attempt to listen to signals from quiet people who have opinions and then ask them their opinion after sharing. If they grunt or make a noise then I can direct it away from people who are more like myself and willing to speak out. My goal is to not take the spotlight but instead to re-direct. I do this because I used to be SUPER quiet and I worked hard to get away from that. Now I'm considered fairly outspoken but I remember what it's like to be quiet and try to help out by giving them the time they need.

imhoguy 7y ago

I wonder is some of you here recognizing own interrupting problem have got ADHD symptoms and diagnosis? Isn't it strongly correlated with Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive trait?

moksly 7y ago
I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, because it absolutely is. It’s what lead me to go get tested. I just got so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t stop interrupting, even when I was consciously working on it. At some point my wife pointed out it was an ADHD symptom, and my immediate reaction was to shrug it off. I’m a CS major, I’ve always held a steady job, and, I’ve never had problems concentrating on complicated problems. Turns out keeping your attention on something interesting isn’t actually a problem for people with ADHD. It’s the boring stuff that’s hard, and boy do I hate the boring stuff. We pay people to clean our house. I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home. I’ve paid people to do my laundry for as long as I’ve had a decent job. Heh. Long story short, I’m now in the process of being tested for ADHD. I’m not sure the results will change anything, I’ve done fine so far after all, but knowing is better, and it was interrupting people that started it.
- kaibee 7y ago
  > I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home. Yep, same here. Though if I do cook, it has to be a massive production. If there's not something to be actively preparing the whole time, it's too boring to make. Which means there's gonna be a ton of dishes... that I really don't want to do.
- y0y 7y ago
  I always tell people that ADHD is not an inability to pay attention, it's an inability to direct and focus one's attention at-will. Whatever is most stimulating gets my attention.
the_watcher 7y ago
Yes. I have this tendency, and I have ADHD. I know I can tend towards it. I often find myself circling back to someone after a first meeting with them (when I realize I interrupted them a lot) and apologizing, letting them know I am aware that it's a weakness, and to please let me know if it ever gets out of hand (I intentionally ask them to decide for themselves what "out of hand" means, as some people are entirely ok with an interruption packed conversation).

golergka 7y ago

Same here. I often decide that the other person have stopped talking prematurely because they've made a long pause and I was eager to jump in. However, if I notice that I have interrupted someone too late, I finish my point, and then say "but I've interrupted you, you were talking about X", and then make an effort to listen actively instead of coming up with thoughts of my own. Sometimes, when we get carried away, I remind the other person of something he had been talking about so long ago that even he has forgotten about it. In my experience, being able not just go with the flow of the conversation, but keeping long conversation "stack traces" in mind so you can go back and actually "return" from a "subroutine" in your conversation is one of the most useful communication skills I have.

gdgvf_q13ffd 7y ago

Andrew, if you work at LinkedIn in 950, I have a request. Not sure if you realize this, but you talk very loudly around your desk. In the open work setting, this is very annoying and makes it hard for other coworkers to focus. Please tone it down, or just find a conference room.

hinkley 7y ago

A lot of the time I’m like you, or I see that the person is starting a long train of thoughts based on a faulty premise... why would you let someone catastrophize or take everyone in a magic carpet ride that is based on bad information? But that is unfortunately not always why. Some people take a very, very long time to get to a point they’ve already telegraphed long before. In a conversation that’s about problem solving, this is wasting everybody’s time, and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction. Daylight’s burning. To these people I say, think about your writing style. Do you bury the lead? Do you save your best information for last? Sort yourself out. Give the person permission to stop reading when they get the gist. Then try to do the same with your speaking. Maybe work on noticing comprehension cues from your peers. The longer we go on a tangent the higher the probability that everyone’s working memory has been reset. If that keeps happening, a good solution is unlikely to arise. And if you don’t have time to do it right you have time to do it over. If you’re accepting defeat at the beginning, just pull the bandaid off, pick any reversible solution and get on to other problems.

lwhi 7y ago
> But that is unfortunately not always why. Some people take a very, very long time to get to a point they’ve already telegraphed long before. In a conversation that’s about problem solving, this is wasting everybody’s time, and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction. Daylight’s burning. This is definitely part of my problem. I get excited; I can understand where a point is going; I get impatient, especially when I'm hearing it described in an overly verbose way. However, I think I probably need to remember that it's worth hearing someone out. Ultimately the team might benefit, even though the problem might be solved at a slightly slower pace.
DanBC 7y ago
The way to address those people is in private, outside a meeting. Behaving the way you do is just rude, and is not acceptable in any workplace I'm part of. > and I will absolutely shove you out of the spotlight and without compunction Just to be really clear: this makes you toxic.
- 7y ago

winternett 7y ago

I had the same issue where I was always compelled to speak up if I felt like there was something important to be said... It really made me look like an a-hole. I asked a good friend of mine who was a successful CEO that people really listened to what his secret was... He said he stays quiet until people ask him for his opinion, then he makes sure what he says is succinct and on point as much as possible. That blew me away. Since I have been practicing that method I have noticed amazing results. It's really something that I continually need to work on, and it doesn't work with family and friends (of course) but try it out... Also, fight the urge to put emojis in company emails, people will lose respect for you ... :\ ... Crap, still working on that one.

theandrewbailey 7y ago
This assumes that someone values your unknown (to them) opinion enough to ask for it.
- winternett 7y ago
  In the scenario I mentioned, it doesn't always involve waiting for someone to always ask you to speak before you say anything, It's primarily the art of holding back on saying anything until everyone else wears out their voices, or until they turn towards you for your opinion. These days a lot of people feel the need to be first and last to talk. This way, you're in the middle, but not overly invested in being heard, but choosing times when you speak, and choosing your words carefully for relevance, for best overall impact. Eventually after a while of practicing this, people grow into the habit of looking forward to your input, and they always ask you for it, provided you don't screw up things too often.