I write this as someone who loves that book: that sentence is exactly the sort the editor/judge of the contest would probably classify as being kinda bad, yes,

I write this as someone who loves that book: that sentence is exactly the sort the editor/judge of the contest would probably classify as being kinda bad, yes, but also too likely to actually hook a reader to be a worthy entrant. "Brother Gerard of Utah", "might never have discovered", "blessed" paired with the humorously cold and vague "documents", "girded loins" (just inherently funny, not exactly bad), "that" being just far enough removed from its referent that it reads awkwardly. This all happens in part because (I'm pretty sure) it is supposed to read as kinda funny, because it's leaning into often-groan-worthy sci-fi tropes ("of Utah") but just happens to be one of the rare good books that does that, and because it is just a little less tightly-written than it might be. The combo's pretty amusing, but also too good for the contest.