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>but all my friends are married with kids and have zero free time. Then put yourself where they are. As a married friend with kids, I have made it clear to my

>but all my friends are married with kids and have zero free time. Then put yourself where they are. As a married friend with kids, I have made it clear to my friends without kids that if you want to hang out, we're headed to the pool or to a park with the kids for the most part. Occasionally we'll have time for adult nights, but because of our geography, childcare is hard to find. Some were okay with that and we're even closer friends now, and my kids call them 'Auntie' or 'Uncle'. Some were not, and we grew apart. Which has to be okay. The moral of the story is, it's not their fault 100% that they're busy, and if their friendship is important, you should actively work on it. Like an adult. That's not meant to be as preachy as it maybe sounds.

balfirevic 7y ago
> That's not meant to be as preachy as it maybe sounds. It does, probably because it's so asymmetric. Now, I guess it is expected that the one's own kids will be more important than friends. But this "if friendship is important" thing has to go both ways to at least some extent.
- Loughla 7y ago
  >thing has to go both ways to at least some extent. That's correct, the problem, in my experience, is that people expect everything to be the same as it was before friend A had a kid. It's called growth and development, and it's healthy for many people. So expecting them to hang out until 2 am and play video games and drink like you used to is probably not realistic. Maybe, depending on the person. My point was that if the friendship is important, remember that children aren't a barrier to YOUR needs. That is a human, the care and development of which your friend is personally responsible for. Understand that you may have to hang out with them at a park while their kid plays, rather than in your living room drinking beers. Does that make sense? I feel like I do a terrible job of explaining myself.
ryanmercer 7y ago
>Then put yourself where they are. As a married friend with kids, "Hey Michael, so, yeah, I'm just gonna show up to your kid's third grade graduation, what door do I enter the school in to look like a total creep?" Er... a lot of that stuff is going to be like that, or going to the Children's museum, or a child's park, or family events with extended family, or family vacations/road trips. Kinda creepy to just show up at that stuff "oh hey, fancy that, how funny we ran into each other at Chuck-e-Cheese and I'm here without a kid and I think the police are now here to ask why I'm here as a single adult male with no child".
- Loughla 7y ago
  I mean, that's being purposefully difficult. Obviously there are places, like a school event, where it is not okay to go hang out. But why can't you go with a family friend to Chuck-e-Cheese? I'm not saying follow them, obviously. Plan ahead. Why not go with them to hang out while they watch their kids? Why not accompany the family to the park - if everyone (meaning friend, friend's spouse that sort of thing - not everyone in the park obviously) knows you're there to hang out with your friend, what's the problem? And you get to play with a kid, which can be fun.

balfirevic 7y ago

> That's not meant to be as preachy as it maybe sounds. It does, probably because it's so asymmetric. Now, I guess it is expected that the one's own kids will be more important than friends. But this "if friendship is important" thing has to go both ways to at least some extent.

Loughla 7y ago
>thing has to go both ways to at least some extent. That's correct, the problem, in my experience, is that people expect everything to be the same as it was before friend A had a kid. It's called growth and development, and it's healthy for many people. So expecting them to hang out until 2 am and play video games and drink like you used to is probably not realistic. Maybe, depending on the person. My point was that if the friendship is important, remember that children aren't a barrier to YOUR needs. That is a human, the care and development of which your friend is personally responsible for. Understand that you may have to hang out with them at a park while their kid plays, rather than in your living room drinking beers. Does that make sense? I feel like I do a terrible job of explaining myself.

ryanmercer 7y ago

>Then put yourself where they are. As a married friend with kids, "Hey Michael, so, yeah, I'm just gonna show up to your kid's third grade graduation, what door do I enter the school in to look like a total creep?" Er... a lot of that stuff is going to be like that, or going to the Children's museum, or a child's park, or family events with extended family, or family vacations/road trips. Kinda creepy to just show up at that stuff "oh hey, fancy that, how funny we ran into each other at Chuck-e-Cheese and I'm here without a kid and I think the police are now here to ask why I'm here as a single adult male with no child".

Loughla 7y ago
I mean, that's being purposefully difficult. Obviously there are places, like a school event, where it is not okay to go hang out. But why can't you go with a family friend to Chuck-e-Cheese? I'm not saying follow them, obviously. Plan ahead. Why not go with them to hang out while they watch their kids? Why not accompany the family to the park - if everyone (meaning friend, friend's spouse that sort of thing - not everyone in the park obviously) knows you're there to hang out with your friend, what's the problem? And you get to play with a kid, which can be fun.