4 ms·

This resonates a lot with my experience and reminds me of a short book I read by Sebastian Junger called Tribe. His focus is more on the tribal aspect of milita

by notus 7y ago

This resonates a lot with my experience and reminds me of a short book I read by Sebastian Junger called Tribe. His focus is more on the tribal aspect of military life and that the disassociation with a close knit group or a tribe is part of what leads to PTSD as there are quite a few people who have been in the military who have PTSD despite not ever being in combat. He claims that in smaller tribal communities mental illness is less common and that in times of extreme hardship or disaster people report decrease in symptoms of mental illness as they become more valued by their community as a helper during the hardship. I interact with people normally at work, but outside of work I'm usually alone and it is hard to ignore the negative effects of it on my mental health. If I'm around people after work I generally feel more positive and have less anxiety, but left alone for too long and my anxiety will start to take over. I really miss my younger years where I had close groups of friends and we hung out all the time.

technothrasher 7y ago
If I'm around people after work I generally feel more positive and have less anxiety, but left alone for too long and my anxiety will start to take over. Interesting. I'm the exact opposite. When I have to do things like hang around with people from work for too long, my anxiety increases until I can get away and be alone. I'm not a social recluse, I have a wife and kid, and I enjoy spending time with them, I try to make time for my parents at least weekly, and I enjoy hanging out with my friends. But definitely anxiety builds as my time in contact with other people increases. Alone is often my "happy place".
- taborj 7y ago
  I believe this is an "introvert" vs "extrovert" situation. I'm introverted and I'm like you - spending time with folks after work is a chore. I prefer to hang around "known associates" as it were - my wife, my kid, my in-laws, my friends. Spending time with folks outside those circles is draining for me; I dread doing it, and I look forward to getting home again. However, I have a few folks in my close circles that are clear extroverts. They love going out with people after work, always seem to be somewhere doing something talking to someone. They never want to go home because home is "boring."
  - notus 7y ago
    It's funny I used to think I was an introvert for so many years because I spent so much time alone. My therapist always used to tell me different and I just thought he was disconnected on that subject. How could I be an extrovert when I spent so much time alone? Wasn't until I started having managers tell me the same that I started to consider it. Turns out I really like being around people but I had a few painful experiences that made me avoid it.
    - deleted 7y ago
      [deleted]
    - mnm1 7y ago
      Same here. I adopted introverted patterns of life because I had no one to spend time with most of the time. Now I get anxiety when going to meet people. I still do it or try to and once I'm there, I enjoy it a lot. Of course, it has to be with the right people otherwise I'd rather just stay in. It's interesting how society shapes us into what we don't want to become.
  - davidjnelson 7y ago
    It’s far from perfect, but it can be helpful to take a common, well studied big 5 personality test to see how introverted / extraverted you are. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits
- onemoresoop 7y ago
  Alone is the happy place because you're not getting enough of it. I think it's a balance between the two. I too need alone time and don't seem to get enough of it. I have a wife, a kid and a 9-5. About 10 years ago I was single, lived alone and at some point spent too much time alone which for a while was great but then I realized I became somewhat savage and the anxiety started to become an issue. Now that I don't get too much alone time I cherish every opportunity I get but I'll always steer away from long periods of isolation. It's not healthy.
  - technothrasher 7y ago
    Yes, you've got a point about balance. In my younger, unattached days I'd spend quite a lot of time alone, and after about a week of not really being in contact with anybody else I'd start to feel a bit 'disconnected'. Though just an hour or so with somebody else would be enough to reset.
  - notus 7y ago
    Yeah I think this is a pretty apt. When I was more social and hung out with people more I appreciated my alone time more but it wasn't really idle time because I was doing things that I like to do alone more. I guess it is more about having idle time where I don't do anything that can really ramp my anxiety up.
ixtli 7y ago
It's shockingly difficult to convert work people from "work friends" into real friends. The only success I had was when one of my startups got bought in a way where we all left on the same date because we fully vested. Then everyone was nostalgic and wanted to stay together. Even then only 1/2 of the group still meets :/
watwut 7y ago
Where does he has the "less mental problems in situation of hardship" from? I used to read a lot of survivors accounts from WWII and Rwanda and such and there was not such thing. Mental issues did not get better, they were harder to deal with and caused additional risk. Also, suicide rates were higher suggesting that mental situation was not all that great.

by notus 7y ago

technothrasher 7y ago

If I'm around people after work I generally feel more positive and have less anxiety, but left alone for too long and my anxiety will start to take over. Interesting. I'm the exact opposite. When I have to do things like hang around with people from work for too long, my anxiety increases until I can get away and be alone. I'm not a social recluse, I have a wife and kid, and I enjoy spending time with them, I try to make time for my parents at least weekly, and I enjoy hanging out with my friends. But definitely anxiety builds as my time in contact with other people increases. Alone is often my "happy place".

taborj 7y ago
I believe this is an "introvert" vs "extrovert" situation. I'm introverted and I'm like you - spending time with folks after work is a chore. I prefer to hang around "known associates" as it were - my wife, my kid, my in-laws, my friends. Spending time with folks outside those circles is draining for me; I dread doing it, and I look forward to getting home again. However, I have a few folks in my close circles that are clear extroverts. They love going out with people after work, always seem to be somewhere doing something talking to someone. They never want to go home because home is "boring."
- notus 7y ago
  It's funny I used to think I was an introvert for so many years because I spent so much time alone. My therapist always used to tell me different and I just thought he was disconnected on that subject. How could I be an extrovert when I spent so much time alone? Wasn't until I started having managers tell me the same that I started to consider it. Turns out I really like being around people but I had a few painful experiences that made me avoid it.
  - deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
  - mnm1 7y ago
    Same here. I adopted introverted patterns of life because I had no one to spend time with most of the time. Now I get anxiety when going to meet people. I still do it or try to and once I'm there, I enjoy it a lot. Of course, it has to be with the right people otherwise I'd rather just stay in. It's interesting how society shapes us into what we don't want to become.
- davidjnelson 7y ago
  It’s far from perfect, but it can be helpful to take a common, well studied big 5 personality test to see how introverted / extraverted you are. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Five_personality_traits
onemoresoop 7y ago
Alone is the happy place because you're not getting enough of it. I think it's a balance between the two. I too need alone time and don't seem to get enough of it. I have a wife, a kid and a 9-5. About 10 years ago I was single, lived alone and at some point spent too much time alone which for a while was great but then I realized I became somewhat savage and the anxiety started to become an issue. Now that I don't get too much alone time I cherish every opportunity I get but I'll always steer away from long periods of isolation. It's not healthy.
- technothrasher 7y ago
  Yes, you've got a point about balance. In my younger, unattached days I'd spend quite a lot of time alone, and after about a week of not really being in contact with anybody else I'd start to feel a bit 'disconnected'. Though just an hour or so with somebody else would be enough to reset.
- notus 7y ago
  Yeah I think this is a pretty apt. When I was more social and hung out with people more I appreciated my alone time more but it wasn't really idle time because I was doing things that I like to do alone more. I guess it is more about having idle time where I don't do anything that can really ramp my anxiety up.

ixtli 7y ago

It's shockingly difficult to convert work people from "work friends" into real friends. The only success I had was when one of my startups got bought in a way where we all left on the same date because we fully vested. Then everyone was nostalgic and wanted to stay together. Even then only 1/2 of the group still meets :/

watwut 7y ago

Where does he has the "less mental problems in situation of hardship" from? I used to read a lot of survivors accounts from WWII and Rwanda and such and there was not such thing. Mental issues did not get better, they were harder to deal with and caused additional risk. Also, suicide rates were higher suggesting that mental situation was not all that great.