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People who say men wouldn’t face the same criticism are wrong. I’m almost 50 and all my friends have been guided by the song “Cats in the cradle” by Harry Chapl

People who say men wouldn’t face the same criticism are wrong. I’m almost 50 and all my friends have been guided by the song “Cats in the cradle” by Harry Chaplin. It’s so prevalent even memes are based on it now. I have sacrificed significant portions of my career to be there for my kids. There are some of my male peers that are less attentive than me but universally we would think they are simply bad fathers. I don’t know anyone these days that wouldn’t think that an absentee dad was also a bad dad. If you prioritize your job over your children then by definition you are a bad parent. If you don’t have the means and are forced to work then I get it, you have to do what you do. It doesn’t sound like this is the case for the author. She has the privilege to chose her work over her kids which is different. I hope she also didn’t selfishly choose to have joint custody with her ex-husband only to neglect the kids for her job.

hn_throwaway_99 7y ago
> People who say men wouldn’t face the same criticism are wrong. I'm going to challenge you on this one, especially since the post currently right above yours is from a single father of 5 with this quote: "I'm really glad I'm a single Dad and not a single Mum because there are very few cultural expectations of me beyond working, and everyone acts like I'm amazing for just raising my kids. It's kinda insulting to both genders." I'm not saying fathers wouldn't experience any criticism, but I still believe that there is a strong difference in cultural expectations and it would be a mistake to if ignore it: women are "generally" expected to be the primary caregivers, so sacrificing children for career is looked on relatively negatively, while men are "generally" expected to be the primary breadwinners, so any additional time spent with children is praised as being a great dad.
- remote_phone 7y ago
  I’ll grant your point that maybe it’s cultural or depends on where you live. I live in the SF Bay Area and it’s clear from the parent post that he lives in Europe or Australia/NZ based on his use of “mum”. Given the author lives in the SF Bay Area I think my point stands though. Among my dozens of friends with children, there’s a couple of friends who don’t spend very much time with their kids and they are universally looked on as the “shitty” dads. One likes to do his sports on the weekends and regularly abandons his children and wife to do that. The other plays video games all the time “to unwind” and his children are basically ignored. The rest of the dads I know feel a lot of pressure trying to be good dads (and husbands) and split child duties. I don’t know many females who would accept it, since they have demanding careers as well. I don’t know very many dads who thinks it’s okay that the mom does most of the child rearing and I’m probably 15-20 years older than the average HN reader. Maybe at lower income levels or lower costs areas it’s more true that women take more of the child rearing duties. In expensive areas like SF Bay Area, most women work except among the very rich, so you will see a complete split of duties most of the time. At least at the same income level as the author in the same area, I don’t believe that women are still considered the primary child rearer. And given the author’s successes and writings, I highly doubt she would have chosen a mate who would assume that she would do most of the child rearing.

hn_throwaway_99 7y ago

> People who say men wouldn’t face the same criticism are wrong. I'm going to challenge you on this one, especially since the post currently right above yours is from a single father of 5 with this quote: "I'm really glad I'm a single Dad and not a single Mum because there are very few cultural expectations of me beyond working, and everyone acts like I'm amazing for just raising my kids. It's kinda insulting to both genders." I'm not saying fathers wouldn't experience any criticism, but I still believe that there is a strong difference in cultural expectations and it would be a mistake to if ignore it: women are "generally" expected to be the primary caregivers, so sacrificing children for career is looked on relatively negatively, while men are "generally" expected to be the primary breadwinners, so any additional time spent with children is praised as being a great dad.

remote_phone 7y ago
I’ll grant your point that maybe it’s cultural or depends on where you live. I live in the SF Bay Area and it’s clear from the parent post that he lives in Europe or Australia/NZ based on his use of “mum”. Given the author lives in the SF Bay Area I think my point stands though. Among my dozens of friends with children, there’s a couple of friends who don’t spend very much time with their kids and they are universally looked on as the “shitty” dads. One likes to do his sports on the weekends and regularly abandons his children and wife to do that. The other plays video games all the time “to unwind” and his children are basically ignored. The rest of the dads I know feel a lot of pressure trying to be good dads (and husbands) and split child duties. I don’t know many females who would accept it, since they have demanding careers as well. I don’t know very many dads who thinks it’s okay that the mom does most of the child rearing and I’m probably 15-20 years older than the average HN reader. Maybe at lower income levels or lower costs areas it’s more true that women take more of the child rearing duties. In expensive areas like SF Bay Area, most women work except among the very rich, so you will see a complete split of duties most of the time. At least at the same income level as the author in the same area, I don’t believe that women are still considered the primary child rearer. And given the author’s successes and writings, I highly doubt she would have chosen a mate who would assume that she would do most of the child rearing.