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I'm a single father of five who obtained full-time custody last year, and trying to balance work and parenting is a never-ending challenge. Some of my observat

I'm a single father of five who obtained full-time custody last year, and trying to balance work and parenting is a never-ending challenge. Some of my observations: 1) Kids have a great time with other kids, so don't feel bad about daycare. Having them at home full-time past the age of 2 is, I think, more about the parent than the child. 2) Sometimes kids just suck, and work can be a glorious escape. 3) School life in my culture (NZ) is still modelled like there's always one stay at home parent, which means you'll never be able to be there for every certificate, every kapa haka performance, and kids are okay about it so long as you communicate, and do get to the occasional one. 4) You can fit a lot of effective parenting into dinner table discussions and bedtime discussions 5) I'm really glad I'm a single Dad and not a single Mum because there are very few cultural expectations of me beyond working, and everyone acts like I'm amazing for just raising my kids. It's kinda insulting to both genders. 6) It's impossible to perfectly balance a 40 hour working week and family. Best you can aim for is a kind of homeostasis where work suffers for family one week and then family suffers a bit for work the next.

EdwardDiego 7y ago
And because I left it too late to edit it in. 7) You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally, workmates and children both. And you just have to ride with it. And I've found that workmates will notice your child related late starts or early finishes, and resent them. The only solution is communication. And a decent employer. Our work culture also assumes two people families to an extent.
- tbyehl 7y ago
  > You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally My girlfriend struggles with that quite a bit. And now that we're fully cohabitated and my work-from-home / lack-of-commute situation allows me to participate in more kids things that aren't accomodating to parents with traditional work schedules and typical commutes... I get heaps of praise from everyone, including her, for basically just not being a dick.
  - EdwardDiego 7y ago
    Eh, the bar is set low for men. Stick around, hold down a job, and actually parent, and you're considered amazing. It's the flip side of the "women with careers are neglecting their children" and "men at the park are paedos!" mindset. It's nice having positive feedback, but I'd prefer a society where it's unremarked upon.
    - ovatsug25 7y ago
      Great! I find I might be in the same situation in the future. How do you do parenting around the dinner table? Heck—how do you get dinner ready for 5?! If you can, would love to hear more! :)
      - EdwardDiego 7y ago
        Everyone eats together, no screens, books, toys etc. Especially me, it's always tempting to clean while they eat, but there's so much more value just touching base. And then we talk. Things that happened at school, on the bus, at work, in the news. Any teachable moments come up, you use them - especially good for reinforcing the values you're trying to impart by running through scenarios based on what happened. Bedtime is the important one. Having 15 minutes alone with them, in a muted environment where they feel safe, is where they feel best able to express emotional stuff. Once again, easy to skip and do the multitude of other tasks, but too valuable. And in terms of cooking, buying in bulk and cooking in bulk. Pastas, risottos, pies etc. I like stuff that's quick for after work, or can be cooked the night before and reheated. I'm not a very organised person so the last year has been a definite learning experience.
        rlonn 7y ago
        I think your kids are very lucky. You seem to know what's important and be determined enough to get it. The only thing I can add that I didn't see on your list is "Take care of yourself also". My dad died young because he didn't take care of himself, and his four kids thought it kind of sucked. Perhaps see yourself as just the eldest kid in the family. Easy to say, hard to do I guess.
- james_s_tayler 7y ago
  I never resent my co-workers for child-related late starts or early finishes. I respect them. I prioritize work/career and I always admire the ones who don't.
radicalbyte 7y ago
Daycare is not only great fun for the kids - playing with their peers is fun - it's also fantastic for their development. We have an excellent daycare. My daughter spends three days a week crafting, playing outside with kids, baking, doing make-up etc. The carers have skills that I don't have and my kids get to enjoy that. We both work four days a week so the kids get lots of parent time and we get a bit of a rest from them.
- meheleventyone 7y ago
  I’m fortunate enough to live in Iceland so both my kids got a place in a state kindergarten (leikskoli) from 18 months. Having seen the care and attention they pay to the development of kids I honestly don’t know why this isn’t more common outside of Nordic countries. Particularly with modern societal expectations on parents and the future of society being entirely dependent on the effort it put into its future citizens.
  - lb1lf 7y ago
    Being Norwegian, I've found that quite a few Icelandic words are just brilliantly descriptive. I just learned another one; leikskoli. Beats our 'barnehage' for kindergarten, that's for sure!
    - meheleventyone 7y ago
      Interestingly we’d call it playschool in the UK as well. Kindergarten in the English context seems way more of a US thing.
    - rlonn 7y ago
      Almost the same in swedish: lekskola (or "lekis") and dagskola ("dagis") but they have now been replaced by the more pretentious "förskola" as we like to be pretentious over here. "barnhage" is a small cage you put toddlers in so they can't escape - makes sense you guys use that word for kindergarten ;)
      - 7y ago
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]

EdwardDiego 7y ago

And because I left it too late to edit it in. 7) You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally, workmates and children both. And you just have to ride with it. And I've found that workmates will notice your child related late starts or early finishes, and resent them. The only solution is communication. And a decent employer. Our work culture also assumes two people families to an extent.

tbyehl 7y ago
> You will feel, at times, like you're letting down everyone equally My girlfriend struggles with that quite a bit. And now that we're fully cohabitated and my work-from-home / lack-of-commute situation allows me to participate in more kids things that aren't accomodating to parents with traditional work schedules and typical commutes... I get heaps of praise from everyone, including her, for basically just not being a dick.
- EdwardDiego 7y ago
  Eh, the bar is set low for men. Stick around, hold down a job, and actually parent, and you're considered amazing. It's the flip side of the "women with careers are neglecting their children" and "men at the park are paedos!" mindset. It's nice having positive feedback, but I'd prefer a society where it's unremarked upon.
  - ovatsug25 7y ago
    Great! I find I might be in the same situation in the future. How do you do parenting around the dinner table? Heck—how do you get dinner ready for 5?! If you can, would love to hear more! :)
    - EdwardDiego 7y ago
      Everyone eats together, no screens, books, toys etc. Especially me, it's always tempting to clean while they eat, but there's so much more value just touching base. And then we talk. Things that happened at school, on the bus, at work, in the news. Any teachable moments come up, you use them - especially good for reinforcing the values you're trying to impart by running through scenarios based on what happened. Bedtime is the important one. Having 15 minutes alone with them, in a muted environment where they feel safe, is where they feel best able to express emotional stuff. Once again, easy to skip and do the multitude of other tasks, but too valuable. And in terms of cooking, buying in bulk and cooking in bulk. Pastas, risottos, pies etc. I like stuff that's quick for after work, or can be cooked the night before and reheated. I'm not a very organised person so the last year has been a definite learning experience.
      - rlonn 7y ago
        I think your kids are very lucky. You seem to know what's important and be determined enough to get it. The only thing I can add that I didn't see on your list is "Take care of yourself also". My dad died young because he didn't take care of himself, and his four kids thought it kind of sucked. Perhaps see yourself as just the eldest kid in the family. Easy to say, hard to do I guess.
james_s_tayler 7y ago
I never resent my co-workers for child-related late starts or early finishes. I respect them. I prioritize work/career and I always admire the ones who don't.

radicalbyte 7y ago

Daycare is not only great fun for the kids - playing with their peers is fun - it's also fantastic for their development. We have an excellent daycare. My daughter spends three days a week crafting, playing outside with kids, baking, doing make-up etc. The carers have skills that I don't have and my kids get to enjoy that. We both work four days a week so the kids get lots of parent time and we get a bit of a rest from them.

meheleventyone 7y ago
I’m fortunate enough to live in Iceland so both my kids got a place in a state kindergarten (leikskoli) from 18 months. Having seen the care and attention they pay to the development of kids I honestly don’t know why this isn’t more common outside of Nordic countries. Particularly with modern societal expectations on parents and the future of society being entirely dependent on the effort it put into its future citizens.
- lb1lf 7y ago
  Being Norwegian, I've found that quite a few Icelandic words are just brilliantly descriptive. I just learned another one; leikskoli. Beats our 'barnehage' for kindergarten, that's for sure!
  - meheleventyone 7y ago
    Interestingly we’d call it playschool in the UK as well. Kindergarten in the English context seems way more of a US thing.
  - rlonn 7y ago
    Almost the same in swedish: lekskola (or "lekis") and dagskola ("dagis") but they have now been replaced by the more pretentious "förskola" as we like to be pretentious over here. "barnhage" is a small cage you put toddlers in so they can't escape - makes sense you guys use that word for kindergarten ;)
    - 7y ago

deleted 7y ago

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