10 ms·

I made the opposite choice. I'm a single father and I've prioritised my children over my career. I'm not going to pretend it's an amazing lifestyle. If you're i

by MRD85 7y ago

I made the opposite choice. I'm a single father and I've prioritised my children over my career. I'm not going to pretend it's an amazing lifestyle. If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. However, I love them and they rely on me. I made a choice to bring them into the world and I'm not going to neglect them. I have the kids more than their mother does, and I also pay significant child support as I earn far more than her. It's affected my career choices. I started studying Comp Sci, as I felt it's a field where I can have more flexibility than my current field. This degree is getting closer and closer to completion and it's looking 95% likely that my career will be changing in January. It's affected my love life too but I won't go into detail here. One thing this article misses the mark on is the quote " I also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date.". My experience as a dad is that people simply don't trust my parenting skills or assume I'm simply helping the mum out. It's incredibly sexist and somewhat hurtful. There has been times I've been battling with my workload and then people drop innocent comments which feel like a knife in the back.

jumelles 7y ago
> I also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date. > My experience as a dad is that people simply don't trust my parenting skills or assume I'm simply helping the mum out. It's incredibly sexist and somewhat hurtful. You and the author are talking about the exact same pervasive sexism from opposite perspectives.
- dudul 7y ago
  The difference being one is talking about "how they think things would be if they were a dad", while the other is talking about the actual experience they had while being a dad. Somehow I feel like one of the two takes precedence in terms of credibility.
  - pmyteh 7y ago
    They're both true, though. Expectations of decent parenting are lower: just taking both my children to the park gets 'wow, that must be a handful' comments that my wife doesn't get. At the same time, I'm not assumed to be a competent caregiver, and am excluded from some of the social/mutual support side of parenting as it's in practice mums only. GP is correct; these are in many ways two sides of the same sexist coin.
  - afiori 7y ago
    But they are in agreement. The same way both assuming that a [category X] can't do [stuff Y] and being positively surprised when they do are two faces of the same discrimination.
    - codernyc16 7y ago
      They could both arise from the same cause, but that says nothing about how often they occur. You seem to imply they’re equivalent, potentially in frequency as well. A real world account seems to suggest the negative experience happens more often. I’d like to hear him comment on it.
      - afiori 7y ago
        That is hard to tell anecdotally. https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/10/02/different-worlds/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/10/02/different-worlds/
    - MRD85 7y ago
      My point is she thinks it would be great to have no one expect you to be a decent parent and she passes it off as men having it better in her article. I'm saying, that for a dedicated parent, it's worse.
icu 7y ago
Hang in there! Excellence is dedication to completion, and by the sound of things, you are doing an excellent job.
- MRD85 7y ago
  Thanks. My two children are doing amazing. My long term goal is to raise them into healthy adults with a good chance of being happy (nothing is guaranteed).
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
yomly 7y ago
>If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. I've never understood this viewpoint - children are simply the most fascinating things! They're born with next to no inborn knowledge and yet have the potential to learn about quantum mechanics. Someone with the same potential would only have learned about fire some hundred thousands of years ago. In the early days you get to see a baby slowly mentally program the things we take so for granted we forget that you actually have to learn them - how to walk, how to speak, language. YMMV but for me to see the world indirectly through the eyes of children is like rediscovering everything there is to the world we live in!
- jon-wood 7y ago
  On the scale of months and years children are amazing, and I agree it’s fascinating to watch as they develop into their own people. However, on the scale of hours and days they can be mind-numbingly boring, as anyone who’s played hide and seek with a four year old who repeatedly goes and hides in their bedroom cupboard can probably attest. I love my boy dearly, but I am so, so, bored of playing the first hour of Minecraft now - he loves it though, so every few days we start up a new world, and we mine our way down to some diamonds, at which point he loses interest.
  - BigJono 7y ago
    Damn, maybe I should have kids. I've played the first hour of Civ V over 500 times now and never finished a game.
  - rlonn 7y ago
    Sounds like you need to try some Minecraft mods :)
  - zarify 7y ago
    I think Adventure Mode and also the stuff available in Education Edition might make Minecraft a bit more of a long-term prospect there. You can make stuff for your kids to explore or do (either on rails or unguided), and there's quite a decent body of work out there shared in the education space. I personally love Education Edition for the coding interface, but there is some other neat stuff in there as well. Mind you, my first daughter is coming up on 2 years old, so there's a ways off until I get there. I'm just speaking as a teacher who uses it. My daughter is fascinating though - it's really interesting watching her figure out skills like sorting, and also discovering all the little ways my wife and I have unconsciously confused her with our use of language, which she then picks up without us realising it.
14 7y ago
I have worked in health care for 15 years primarily taking care of elderly. The biggest message basically they all make is to not let time pass you by when you are young and to enjoy the time with your kids when they are young. Because before you know it they grow up and it’s never the same. I am a single dad as well. I too sacrificed my career so they got the time they needed. My love life is non existent also but I don’t mind. It won’t be like that forever. You are doing the right thing by the sounds of it so good job. When we get to our death beds our kids will be at our sides and there will be no doubt you and I made the correct choice. As for the lady in the article, the entire time I read it as her trying so hard to convince herself her choices were worth it but I fear from my experience she will later regret it. Though I truly like her cause, her own kids lost a family member much like these people going to jail away from their family. I hope she can make the balance her children seek from her.
- subpixel 7y ago
  Amen. The author of the article is incorrect to think that the effect her career can have on society is anywhere near as important as the effect she can have on her children, should she take the time.
- axiom92 7y ago
  > When we get to our death beds our kids will be at our sides and there will be no doubt you and I made the correct choice. Is that guaranteed though?
xondono 7y ago
I can’t avoid thinking that if a man were to acknowledge things like those on this article, the story would have a far more negative feedback.
cheez 7y ago
Same bro, same. I feel you.
vmurthy 7y ago
> However, I love them and they rely on me. I made a choice to bring them into the world and I'm not going to neglect them. This is probably the most heartwarming thing that I'll read in a long time. Made my day :-).
strooper 7y ago
> If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. However, I love them and they rely on me. I feel you. My wife and I are managing two kids and I work from home, meaning I am home almost 24x7. I help my wife taking care of our children and I often get annoyed by the whole bunch of dumb or repetitive things we need to do to take care of them. Still, I love them more than anything in the world.

by MRD85 7y ago

jumelles 7y ago

> I also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date. > My experience as a dad is that people simply don't trust my parenting skills or assume I'm simply helping the mum out. It's incredibly sexist and somewhat hurtful. You and the author are talking about the exact same pervasive sexism from opposite perspectives.

dudul 7y ago
The difference being one is talking about "how they think things would be if they were a dad", while the other is talking about the actual experience they had while being a dad. Somehow I feel like one of the two takes precedence in terms of credibility.
- pmyteh 7y ago
  They're both true, though. Expectations of decent parenting are lower: just taking both my children to the park gets 'wow, that must be a handful' comments that my wife doesn't get. At the same time, I'm not assumed to be a competent caregiver, and am excluded from some of the social/mutual support side of parenting as it's in practice mums only. GP is correct; these are in many ways two sides of the same sexist coin.
- afiori 7y ago
  But they are in agreement. The same way both assuming that a [category X] can't do [stuff Y] and being positively surprised when they do are two faces of the same discrimination.
  - codernyc16 7y ago
    They could both arise from the same cause, but that says nothing about how often they occur. You seem to imply they’re equivalent, potentially in frequency as well. A real world account seems to suggest the negative experience happens more often. I’d like to hear him comment on it.
    - afiori 7y ago
      That is hard to tell anecdotally. https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/10/02/different-worlds/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/10/02/different-worlds/
  - MRD85 7y ago
    My point is she thinks it would be great to have no one expect you to be a decent parent and she passes it off as men having it better in her article. I'm saying, that for a dedicated parent, it's worse.

icu 7y ago

Hang in there! Excellence is dedication to completion, and by the sound of things, you are doing an excellent job.

MRD85 7y ago
Thanks. My two children are doing amazing. My long term goal is to raise them into healthy adults with a good chance of being happy (nothing is guaranteed).

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

yomly 7y ago

>If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. I've never understood this viewpoint - children are simply the most fascinating things! They're born with next to no inborn knowledge and yet have the potential to learn about quantum mechanics. Someone with the same potential would only have learned about fire some hundred thousands of years ago. In the early days you get to see a baby slowly mentally program the things we take so for granted we forget that you actually have to learn them - how to walk, how to speak, language. YMMV but for me to see the world indirectly through the eyes of children is like rediscovering everything there is to the world we live in!

jon-wood 7y ago
On the scale of months and years children are amazing, and I agree it’s fascinating to watch as they develop into their own people. However, on the scale of hours and days they can be mind-numbingly boring, as anyone who’s played hide and seek with a four year old who repeatedly goes and hides in their bedroom cupboard can probably attest. I love my boy dearly, but I am so, so, bored of playing the first hour of Minecraft now - he loves it though, so every few days we start up a new world, and we mine our way down to some diamonds, at which point he loses interest.
- BigJono 7y ago
  Damn, maybe I should have kids. I've played the first hour of Civ V over 500 times now and never finished a game.
- rlonn 7y ago
  Sounds like you need to try some Minecraft mods :)
- zarify 7y ago
  I think Adventure Mode and also the stuff available in Education Edition might make Minecraft a bit more of a long-term prospect there. You can make stuff for your kids to explore or do (either on rails or unguided), and there's quite a decent body of work out there shared in the education space. I personally love Education Edition for the coding interface, but there is some other neat stuff in there as well. Mind you, my first daughter is coming up on 2 years old, so there's a ways off until I get there. I'm just speaking as a teacher who uses it. My daughter is fascinating though - it's really interesting watching her figure out skills like sorting, and also discovering all the little ways my wife and I have unconsciously confused her with our use of language, which she then picks up without us realising it.

14 7y ago

I have worked in health care for 15 years primarily taking care of elderly. The biggest message basically they all make is to not let time pass you by when you are young and to enjoy the time with your kids when they are young. Because before you know it they grow up and it’s never the same. I am a single dad as well. I too sacrificed my career so they got the time they needed. My love life is non existent also but I don’t mind. It won’t be like that forever. You are doing the right thing by the sounds of it so good job. When we get to our death beds our kids will be at our sides and there will be no doubt you and I made the correct choice. As for the lady in the article, the entire time I read it as her trying so hard to convince herself her choices were worth it but I fear from my experience she will later regret it. Though I truly like her cause, her own kids lost a family member much like these people going to jail away from their family. I hope she can make the balance her children seek from her.

subpixel 7y ago
Amen. The author of the article is incorrect to think that the effect her career can have on society is anywhere near as important as the effect she can have on her children, should she take the time.
axiom92 7y ago
> When we get to our death beds our kids will be at our sides and there will be no doubt you and I made the correct choice. Is that guaranteed though?

xondono 7y ago

I can’t avoid thinking that if a man were to acknowledge things like those on this article, the story would have a far more negative feedback.

cheez 7y ago

Same bro, same. I feel you.

vmurthy 7y ago

> However, I love them and they rely on me. I made a choice to bring them into the world and I'm not going to neglect them. This is probably the most heartwarming thing that I'll read in a long time. Made my day :-).

strooper 7y ago

> If you're intellectually driven then looking after two young children isn't fascinating. However, I love them and they rely on me. I feel you. My wife and I are managing two kids and I work from home, meaning I am home almost 24x7. I help my wife taking care of our children and I often get annoyed by the whole bunch of dumb or repetitive things we need to do to take care of them. Still, I love them more than anything in the world.