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As a guy how should I approach this? I actually think women in their early to mid 20s (my peers) are more qualified to star business than most guys, because the

As a guy how should I approach this? I actually think women in their early to mid 20s (my peers) are more qualified to star business than most guys, because they “get it” sooner, where as guys take a bit. But you’re right when I develop relationship with women it can come off as something else. Unless I’m very very professional, which frankly puts a layer of ice between people so not ideal either.

DoreenMichele 7y ago
The only thing I have found that seems to go anywhere is focus on the work, not the person. Give actual feedback on the actual project, not on her feelings, her confidence or whatever. When I get frustrated and start expressing my feelings on HN, I routinely get sympathetic, emotionally supportive noises of the "atta girl" sort. What I need is actual engagement and that's much, much, much harder to come by. Feelings come from somewhere. If I got what I actually needed, I wouldn't be having a hissy. Is that at all clear?
- xiaolingxiao 7y ago
  Yes kind of, but I do find a lot of people especially smart people do have confidence issues. So that’s actually what A good coach does, give you confidence, I had that and want to pass it forward. See I think focus too much on the work itself at the expense of the other persons feelings is not ideal either, so much of the stuff we do have emotional underpinnings so adressing it would be nice, I.e. low confidence. But maybe I’m overthinking it.
  - DoreenMichele 7y ago
    I think of confidence in terms of statistical confidence. You can give people good feedback on how to determine if this is a good bet without getting all personal and emotional about it. That doesn't mean you can't ever say anything about them. There are situations where a statement like "Yes, but you have x track record of performance." is pertinent objective feedback. What I find problematic is men want to engage me emotionally. They want an emotional connection. They treat me like a vending machine of guaranteed good feelings. And it has nothing to do with helping me accomplish something. It often actively interferes.
    - xiaolingxiao 7y ago
      Oh I see I thought confidence as in like self belief. And yeah you bring up an interesting situation. So to summarize all the talk should be work centered right?
      - DoreenMichele 7y ago
        Yup. Work/goal oriented as much as possible. Things easily get uncomfortable and confusing otherwise. You can be warmly supportive of their work. It doesn't have to be a cold situation. Just enthuse about their ideas, their proposal, etc rather than about how smart they are, etc.

DoreenMichele 7y ago

The only thing I have found that seems to go anywhere is focus on the work, not the person. Give actual feedback on the actual project, not on her feelings, her confidence or whatever. When I get frustrated and start expressing my feelings on HN, I routinely get sympathetic, emotionally supportive noises of the "atta girl" sort. What I need is actual engagement and that's much, much, much harder to come by. Feelings come from somewhere. If I got what I actually needed, I wouldn't be having a hissy. Is that at all clear?

xiaolingxiao 7y ago
Yes kind of, but I do find a lot of people especially smart people do have confidence issues. So that’s actually what A good coach does, give you confidence, I had that and want to pass it forward. See I think focus too much on the work itself at the expense of the other persons feelings is not ideal either, so much of the stuff we do have emotional underpinnings so adressing it would be nice, I.e. low confidence. But maybe I’m overthinking it.
- DoreenMichele 7y ago
  I think of confidence in terms of statistical confidence. You can give people good feedback on how to determine if this is a good bet without getting all personal and emotional about it. That doesn't mean you can't ever say anything about them. There are situations where a statement like "Yes, but you have x track record of performance." is pertinent objective feedback. What I find problematic is men want to engage me emotionally. They want an emotional connection. They treat me like a vending machine of guaranteed good feelings. And it has nothing to do with helping me accomplish something. It often actively interferes.
  - xiaolingxiao 7y ago
    Oh I see I thought confidence as in like self belief. And yeah you bring up an interesting situation. So to summarize all the talk should be work centered right?
    - DoreenMichele 7y ago
      Yup. Work/goal oriented as much as possible. Things easily get uncomfortable and confusing otherwise. You can be warmly supportive of their work. It doesn't have to be a cold situation. Just enthuse about their ideas, their proposal, etc rather than about how smart they are, etc.