4 ms·

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible,

by thrw19 7y ago

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but the more I read on the subject, the more I think this is a mistake. The thing I fear the most is that my kid would grow to resent me no matter what I do, because ...you know, I'd not be the 'real' father. EDIT: This is a throwaway account.

UsefulAlt 7y ago
I found out last year that I was a sperm-donor child. My sisters have resented me my entire life because they were adopted, and our parents bent over backwards in trying to appease them. (I found this out through 23AndMe, when I was contacted by a half-sister I didn't know I had, who was looking for information about her genetic father. Turns out her family lied to her about her origins too.) To find out that I was half-adopted myself didn't bother me at all in one sense- I loved my Dad, and that didn't change. But I now have real anger towards the fact that neither of my parents told any of us the truth while they were alive, and maybe my relationship with my sisters would have been different if we were all at least a little in the same boat. My parents were loving people, but were just from a generation where things like this just weren't talked about. Like an earlier poster said, it's all just... Vexing. The one thing I am certain of is that finding out your Dad wasn't your biological father while dealing with spiteful siblings who are trying to destroy you for the vulgar, prosaic money reasons that often erupt in families as the estate was divided was a supremely shitty way to find out. Tell the truth early and often, and hide nothing.
komali2 7y ago
I was born out of wedlock to a mom that was single by the time I was born, and have never met the biological father. She wrote a little picture book explaining what a biological father is, how it's different than my "Dad" (she had since married someone unrelated), and there was even a little photograph of him in there. And lots of stuff about how her and my dad love me a ton and how it's not a big deal. So I grew up with the knowledge since basically the day I was sentient, and therefore it as much a part of my life as my fingers and toes. I almost never think about it. Last time I did was in the doc's office when she was asking about family history, and I had to remind myself that my dad's family history doesn't count. So you have one vote over here from telling the kid from day 1, possibly in a format that they can come back to and explore / show to other kids when they ask (i.e. the picture book I got)
- toomuchtodo 7y ago
  Have you considered using DNA testing to track down your father or related family of theirs? I’m not suggesting it, but just trying to understand the feelings that go along with possibly having the ability to have unanswered questions answered.
  - komali2 7y ago
    I don't really care to track him down, but this article did convince me to finally pull the trigger on 23andme, so I can at least see some of my genetic health risks. My biological father is nobody to me - he has no bearing on my identity and I don't see the need to meet him (to answer your question).
DoreenMichele 7y ago
I think for medical reasons alone children deserve to know where there genes come from. Bonding with a child is separate from that. Plenty of people hate their biological parents because their parents were lousy, abusive people who never treated them well.
magneticnorth 7y ago
I'm not the person you were asking, but I agree that keeping this a secret seems like a mistake. Between the increasing popularity of genetics & ancestry services and the increase in health & fitness tracking, it seems extremely likely that your child would eventually find out that they aren't related to your side of the family and/or have half siblings out there. The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood.
- UsefulAlt 7y ago
  >The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood. As someone who found out the hard way - 100% fully agreed. I loved my father (mother too) very much, and they, me. And now that I know the truth and they have both passed, we can never talk about it, and there is a thorn of resentment that, frankly, I do not know if I will ever be able to fully remove.
fnerw23124 7y ago
I can see why you might worry about not being the father. As the child of a sperm donor, I can tell you, my dad is and always will be my dad, regardless of the fact that he's not my "biological father." My experience has shown me that parents aren't "zero-sum", if that makes sense. Learning there was another father-figure into my life changed, but didn't diminish, my relationship with father. Both my dad and my biological father represent critically important pieces of me and the fact that they aren't the same person doesn't diminish how I feel about either of them, it just means I'm the product of the combination of them (and my mother, environmental, etc.). I can't know for sure, but I feel like what would alter how I feel about my father would be if he tried to hide from me who I really was (i.e. didn't want me to know that I was the child of a sperm donor). While I can understand wanting to keep that a secret to protect a child, I think it would have felt like the opposite if I hadn't been told. The fact that I'm a donor child feels like my secret to keep if I want to, not anyone else's - I'm grateful my parents told me (when I was about 10 - I'm now 38), and I'm grateful they've let me decide what I do with that information. It's also worth considering that there's a good chance your child will eventually find out, even if you don't tell them. Whether through the prevalence of DNA testing, needing to know their medical history, or someone sharing information accidentally, it's something probably best told to someone in an intentional way - not happenstance. The last thing that I'll mention is that when you choose a sperm donor, you'll likely have the option to choose an anonymous or non-anonymous (someone that is willing to be in contact with the child when he/she becomes 18) sperm donor. I hold no resentment towards my parents for using a sperm donor to conceive me (I wouldn't be here if they hadn't :), but I do wish they could have used a non-anonymous donor. Like I say, my biological father is a part of me, but I don't know who he is. There are big questions for me (and my wife, and my son) about who I am, and until I find my biological father (still looking), I won't be able to answer them. If you can, so your child isn't left with looming questions about who they are, I would highly recommend using a non-anonymous donor. All the best to you, and your family, in your journey. (throwaway account)
Taniwha 7y ago
Well here's a story from a different point of view, not long after we'd had our kids my wife 'volunteered' me to lesbian friends (both doctors and lawyers were involved) - I've always been the known male donor, not a mystery, but emphatically not a parent, more like an uncle. It's worked out really well for us, our kids got half siblings (again more like cousins), some extra sets of doting grandparents etc etc As modern families shrink, with 1 or 2 kids we don't have as many relatives (it's a power series sort of thing) extended families shrink, we got to enlarge ours. Usually you only get one chance in life to choose who your relatives are, we found a second.
silencio 7y ago
speaking from a parent-donor perspective - i’m planning to donate some embryos created during ivf. (i have infertility issues.) i also am in a same sex marriage. open identity donors, recipient families and children, and the studies behind identity release (or the lack thereof) all overwhelmingly point towards open donations as being a positive. anonymous only when you have no choice. a lot of groups out there exist - and books and more - that can help you navigate when to have the talk and how to have it. as we are both biological parents to our children, i can’t tell you exactly how it goes, but we are surrounded by so many solo parents and queer parents that used donors and surrogates. everyone has a beautiful, loving family in their own right and these kids grow up normalizing this as part of themselves even from toddlerhood. there are struggles, but if you think parenthood is for you, then you should do it. good luck! edit: just wanted to add, that some sperm banks are not made equal......... big ones like california cryobank and xytex tend to have much higher family limits and more restrictions than smaller progressive ones like sperm bank of california. if the idea of having 30 half-siblings is unbelievable - banks like sperm bank of ca have 10 family limits and track closely. you can help narrow things down for your future kids just with the bank (or program) you pick.

by thrw19 7y ago

UsefulAlt 7y ago

I found out last year that I was a sperm-donor child. My sisters have resented me my entire life because they were adopted, and our parents bent over backwards in trying to appease them. (I found this out through 23AndMe, when I was contacted by a half-sister I didn't know I had, who was looking for information about her genetic father. Turns out her family lied to her about her origins too.) To find out that I was half-adopted myself didn't bother me at all in one sense- I loved my Dad, and that didn't change. But I now have real anger towards the fact that neither of my parents told any of us the truth while they were alive, and maybe my relationship with my sisters would have been different if we were all at least a little in the same boat. My parents were loving people, but were just from a generation where things like this just weren't talked about. Like an earlier poster said, it's all just... Vexing. The one thing I am certain of is that finding out your Dad wasn't your biological father while dealing with spiteful siblings who are trying to destroy you for the vulgar, prosaic money reasons that often erupt in families as the estate was divided was a supremely shitty way to find out. Tell the truth early and often, and hide nothing.

komali2 7y ago

I was born out of wedlock to a mom that was single by the time I was born, and have never met the biological father. She wrote a little picture book explaining what a biological father is, how it's different than my "Dad" (she had since married someone unrelated), and there was even a little photograph of him in there. And lots of stuff about how her and my dad love me a ton and how it's not a big deal. So I grew up with the knowledge since basically the day I was sentient, and therefore it as much a part of my life as my fingers and toes. I almost never think about it. Last time I did was in the doc's office when she was asking about family history, and I had to remind myself that my dad's family history doesn't count. So you have one vote over here from telling the kid from day 1, possibly in a format that they can come back to and explore / show to other kids when they ask (i.e. the picture book I got)

toomuchtodo 7y ago
Have you considered using DNA testing to track down your father or related family of theirs? I’m not suggesting it, but just trying to understand the feelings that go along with possibly having the ability to have unanswered questions answered.
- komali2 7y ago
  I don't really care to track him down, but this article did convince me to finally pull the trigger on 23andme, so I can at least see some of my genetic health risks. My biological father is nobody to me - he has no bearing on my identity and I don't see the need to meet him (to answer your question).

DoreenMichele 7y ago

I think for medical reasons alone children deserve to know where there genes come from. Bonding with a child is separate from that. Plenty of people hate their biological parents because their parents were lousy, abusive people who never treated them well.

magneticnorth 7y ago

I'm not the person you were asking, but I agree that keeping this a secret seems like a mistake. Between the increasing popularity of genetics & ancestry services and the increase in health & fitness tracking, it seems extremely likely that your child would eventually find out that they aren't related to your side of the family and/or have half siblings out there. The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood.

UsefulAlt 7y ago
>The lie seems potentially much more damaging to your relationship than the fact that you are a loving father to a deeply wanted child who does not share your blood. As someone who found out the hard way - 100% fully agreed. I loved my father (mother too) very much, and they, me. And now that I know the truth and they have both passed, we can never talk about it, and there is a thorn of resentment that, frankly, I do not know if I will ever be able to fully remove.

fnerw23124 7y ago

I can see why you might worry about not being the father. As the child of a sperm donor, I can tell you, my dad is and always will be my dad, regardless of the fact that he's not my "biological father." My experience has shown me that parents aren't "zero-sum", if that makes sense. Learning there was another father-figure into my life changed, but didn't diminish, my relationship with father. Both my dad and my biological father represent critically important pieces of me and the fact that they aren't the same person doesn't diminish how I feel about either of them, it just means I'm the product of the combination of them (and my mother, environmental, etc.). I can't know for sure, but I feel like what would alter how I feel about my father would be if he tried to hide from me who I really was (i.e. didn't want me to know that I was the child of a sperm donor). While I can understand wanting to keep that a secret to protect a child, I think it would have felt like the opposite if I hadn't been told. The fact that I'm a donor child feels like my secret to keep if I want to, not anyone else's - I'm grateful my parents told me (when I was about 10 - I'm now 38), and I'm grateful they've let me decide what I do with that information. It's also worth considering that there's a good chance your child will eventually find out, even if you don't tell them. Whether through the prevalence of DNA testing, needing to know their medical history, or someone sharing information accidentally, it's something probably best told to someone in an intentional way - not happenstance. The last thing that I'll mention is that when you choose a sperm donor, you'll likely have the option to choose an anonymous or non-anonymous (someone that is willing to be in contact with the child when he/she becomes 18) sperm donor. I hold no resentment towards my parents for using a sperm donor to conceive me (I wouldn't be here if they hadn't :), but I do wish they could have used a non-anonymous donor. Like I say, my biological father is a part of me, but I don't know who he is. There are big questions for me (and my wife, and my son) about who I am, and until I find my biological father (still looking), I won't be able to answer them. If you can, so your child isn't left with looming questions about who they are, I would highly recommend using a non-anonymous donor. All the best to you, and your family, in your journey. (throwaway account)

Taniwha 7y ago

Well here's a story from a different point of view, not long after we'd had our kids my wife 'volunteered' me to lesbian friends (both doctors and lawyers were involved) - I've always been the known male donor, not a mystery, but emphatically not a parent, more like an uncle. It's worked out really well for us, our kids got half siblings (again more like cousins), some extra sets of doting grandparents etc etc As modern families shrink, with 1 or 2 kids we don't have as many relatives (it's a power series sort of thing) extended families shrink, we got to enlarge ours. Usually you only get one chance in life to choose who your relatives are, we found a second.

silencio 7y ago

speaking from a parent-donor perspective - i’m planning to donate some embryos created during ivf. (i have infertility issues.) i also am in a same sex marriage. open identity donors, recipient families and children, and the studies behind identity release (or the lack thereof) all overwhelmingly point towards open donations as being a positive. anonymous only when you have no choice. a lot of groups out there exist - and books and more - that can help you navigate when to have the talk and how to have it. as we are both biological parents to our children, i can’t tell you exactly how it goes, but we are surrounded by so many solo parents and queer parents that used donors and surrogates. everyone has a beautiful, loving family in their own right and these kids grow up normalizing this as part of themselves even from toddlerhood. there are struggles, but if you think parenthood is for you, then you should do it. good luck! edit: just wanted to add, that some sperm banks are not made equal......... big ones like california cryobank and xytex tend to have much higher family limits and more restrictions than smaller progressive ones like sperm bank of california. if the idea of having 30 half-siblings is unbelievable - banks like sperm bank of ca have 10 family limits and track closely. you can help narrow things down for your future kids just with the bank (or program) you pick.