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Well. You can hear my voice. I'm the child of a sperm donor. I didn't learn about it till I was 18... which was more than a bit strange. The emotions that come

Well. You can hear my voice. I'm the child of a sperm donor. I didn't learn about it till I was 18... which was more than a bit strange. The emotions that come from the combination of society's familial expectations, your own complicated family, and just the general fact that it's nice to be alive is a really strange cocktail. But... I'm not sure resent is a word that I would ever use, even in my bizarre situation of having learned later in life. Instead of resentment I would probably describe a bubbling dystopian feeling. For me, I often focus on the fact that my life, or at least the genetic specifics of my being, is directly a result of technological progress. The very core of who I am everyday in my life relies on the fact that society enabled my mom to have children without her (ex)-husband. That's pretty strange. These feelings come up most strongly when I look in a mirror. The physical features are the inescapable consequence, right? I think this is what made this photo essay so impactful for me. That photos so strongly highlight what is most stark about being the child of a sperm donor. In the thesaurus, vex is listed alongside resent. That word seems to get at the core of what I feel. When I think too long or hard it just feels vexing... it's very "what the fuck"-ish.

jawns 7y ago
Thank you for your story. Does that vexation affect your relationship with your mom?
alistairSH 7y ago
it's very "what the fuck"-ish I can only imagine how it feels. Thanks for sharing.
thrw19 7y ago
Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but the more I read on the subject, the more I think this is a mistake. The thing I fear the most is that my kid would grow to resent me no matter what I do, because ...you know, I'd not be the 'real' father. EDIT: This is a throwaway account.
- UsefulAlt 7y ago
  I found out last year that I was a sperm-donor child. My sisters have resented me my entire life because they were adopted, and our parents bent over backwards in trying to appease them. (I found this out through 23AndMe, when I was contacted by a half-sister I didn't know I had, who was looking for information about her genetic father. Turns out her family lied to her about her origins too.) To find out that I was half-adopted myself didn't bother me at all in one sense- I loved my Dad, and that didn't change. But I now have real anger towards the fact that neither of my parents told any of us the truth while they were alive, and maybe my relationship with my sisters would have been different if we were all at least a little in the same boat. My parents were loving people, but were just from a generation where things like this just weren't talked about. Like an earlier poster said, it's all just... Vexing. The one thing I am certain of is that finding out your Dad wasn't your biological father while dealing with spiteful siblings who are trying to destroy you for the vulgar, prosaic money reasons that often erupt in families as the estate was divided was a supremely shitty way to find out. Tell the truth early and often, and hide nothing.
- komali2 7y ago
  I was born out of wedlock to a mom that was single by the time I was born, and have never met the biological father. She wrote a little picture book explaining what a biological father is, how it's different than my "Dad" (she had since married someone unrelated), and there was even a little photograph of him in there. And lots of stuff about how her and my dad love me a ton and how it's not a big deal. So I grew up with the knowledge since basically the day I was sentient, and therefore it as much a part of my life as my fingers and toes. I almost never think about it. Last time I did was in the doc's office when she was asking about family history, and I had to remind myself that my dad's family history doesn't count. So you have one vote over here from telling the kid from day 1, possibly in a format that they can come back to and explore / show to other kids when they ask (i.e. the picture book I got)
  - toomuchtodo 7y ago
    Have you considered using DNA testing to track down your father or related family of theirs? I’m not suggesting it, but just trying to understand the feelings that go along with possibly having the ability to have unanswered questions answered.

jawns 7y ago

Thank you for your story. Does that vexation affect your relationship with your mom?

alistairSH 7y ago

it's very "what the fuck"-ish I can only imagine how it feels. Thanks for sharing.

thrw19 7y ago

Do you think things would have been different for you, if you knew about it since you were a child? I'm a 35 years old male that can't have kids. Not possible, say the doctors. I love children and me and my wife are considering using a sperm donor. Should all work as we hope, we are not sure how to approach exactly this situation of telling our child about it. At first I thought we should just keep it a secret, but the more I read on the subject, the more I think this is a mistake. The thing I fear the most is that my kid would grow to resent me no matter what I do, because ...you know, I'd not be the 'real' father. EDIT: This is a throwaway account.

UsefulAlt 7y ago
I found out last year that I was a sperm-donor child. My sisters have resented me my entire life because they were adopted, and our parents bent over backwards in trying to appease them. (I found this out through 23AndMe, when I was contacted by a half-sister I didn't know I had, who was looking for information about her genetic father. Turns out her family lied to her about her origins too.) To find out that I was half-adopted myself didn't bother me at all in one sense- I loved my Dad, and that didn't change. But I now have real anger towards the fact that neither of my parents told any of us the truth while they were alive, and maybe my relationship with my sisters would have been different if we were all at least a little in the same boat. My parents were loving people, but were just from a generation where things like this just weren't talked about. Like an earlier poster said, it's all just... Vexing. The one thing I am certain of is that finding out your Dad wasn't your biological father while dealing with spiteful siblings who are trying to destroy you for the vulgar, prosaic money reasons that often erupt in families as the estate was divided was a supremely shitty way to find out. Tell the truth early and often, and hide nothing.
komali2 7y ago
I was born out of wedlock to a mom that was single by the time I was born, and have never met the biological father. She wrote a little picture book explaining what a biological father is, how it's different than my "Dad" (she had since married someone unrelated), and there was even a little photograph of him in there. And lots of stuff about how her and my dad love me a ton and how it's not a big deal. So I grew up with the knowledge since basically the day I was sentient, and therefore it as much a part of my life as my fingers and toes. I almost never think about it. Last time I did was in the doc's office when she was asking about family history, and I had to remind myself that my dad's family history doesn't count. So you have one vote over here from telling the kid from day 1, possibly in a format that they can come back to and explore / show to other kids when they ask (i.e. the picture book I got)
- toomuchtodo 7y ago
  Have you considered using DNA testing to track down your father or related family of theirs? I’m not suggesting it, but just trying to understand the feelings that go along with possibly having the ability to have unanswered questions answered.