4 ms·

There does seem to be a certain "external things are the reason for my misery" thread through all these stories that bugs me, even though it's an interesting an

There does seem to be a certain "external things are the reason for my misery" thread through all these stories that bugs me, even though it's an interesting and well-written piece. These patients, with the exact same circumstances, could have found some peace by accepting and working within their constraints - the 70-year old woman could accept the situation with the granddaughter and find other outlets for caretaking or being with children, or tried a legal way to address the situation, accepting the outcome whether it works or not ("I took my best shot, the rest is up to fate"). The man with PTSD could learn techniques, CBT perhaps, to cope with the anxiety triggers and expand his comfort zone in the world again, found ways to deal with his anger so it didn't turn into violence, etc. Not saying these circumstances are easy, but everyone's life has particular challenges and avenues of growth, and in the grand scheme that's often a good thing. Everyone's life has constraints, without exception - I can't teleport instantly anywhere I want on the planet by snapping my fingers; if I spend my days lamenting that and thinking that I should, I'll be miserable. On the one hand yes we should help each other better our external circumstances; but on the other hand I believe most external things aren't truly necessary for contentment, and indeed the belief that they are causes more misery than the circumstances.

michaelmrose 7y ago
Ideally she would tell the son he can go to rehab or get turned in to the authorities.
- aidenn0 7y ago
  Getting turned into the authorities often doesn't really accomplish anything. Here's a typical case: Meth addicted neglectful mother has dozens of reports from several sources of varying credibility (e.g. reports from an ex-boyfriend are immediately discounted as likely retribution). Each time, Child Welfare Services shows up checks that there are no bruises on kid, food in the cabinet ,and a bed for the kid and then leaves. In the good cases, CWS gets lucky and shows up while the mother is using and the child is removed. In the medium case, someone (e.g. a drug dealer or boyfriend) will hit the kid and leave a mark, which will cause a more thorough investigation that may turn up evidence of drug use. In the bad cases the kid manages to put together enough self-sufficiency to not die and will end up addicted/pregnant/dead/homeless/in jail by the time they are 18. [edit] Don't let the above discourage you from reporting this! The best case happens only because of reports from multiple sources force CWS to keep showing up. Almost all kids that get removed from bad situations before kindergarten happen because people care and report.
  - threwawasy1228 7y ago
    CPS are often terribly trained and sometimes downright horrible people. They do all sorts of large scale scrutiny on perfectly fine homes, and then will turn a blind eye on children who are being horribly neglected. They tear families apart and force parents to fight for years in court to get their children back, irrevocably messing up the childs psychology in the process. Here is a former CPS agent talking about the horrific misconduct he saw amongst his fellow CPS workers.[0] [0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyc9Zn3iWQk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyc9Zn3iWQk
    - aidenn0 7y ago
      This probably varies greatly in different areas (in California almost all of how it works is specified at the county level, so even two counties in CA can be very different). Everything that follows is specific to where I live. The actual social workers that I've interacted with are reasonably well trained people. However, they are overworked and underpaid, so a lot of the good ones move to the private sector. Also the heavy caseload means they tend to remove based upon ease of substantiation rather than severity of the situation (i.e. if it's easy to prove a minor infraction that will get you tripped up more quickly than a hard to prove major infraction). This definitely appears to be a function of the system rather than any individual maliciousness. That's social workers. As far as case-aids go I can't think of a single positive thing to say other than "there are a few good ones." It's a low paying job where the only prerequisite is that you can pass a criminal background check. A friend I know ended up as a case-aid by accident! She checked with the county to see if they had any job openings and they said roughly "We need someone to provide transportation" and it wasn't until she showed up to work that she learned she would be transporting foster kids to family visits, and in some cases would be supervising those visits!
barry-cotter 7y ago
> the 70-year old woman could accept the situation with the granddaughter and find other outlets for caretaking or being with children, or tried a legal way to address the situation Wow, what a simultaneously disgusting and ignorant sentiment. Disgusting, because it assumes children, family and relationships are fungible, and ignorant, because it assumes grandparents have rights of some kind, when they don’t.
- QuadrupleA 7y ago
  What a nasty reply. Is it so inconceivable that the (hypothetical) woman might have maternal / nurturing instincts that strict blood relations aren't the only possible outlet for? Obviously it's a tragedy, for the granddaughter in particular, and if anything at all can be done about the situation then it should be, but sometimes these things are complicated and there aren't a lot of options and you just have to accept and make peace. Or be full of futile, useless anger that pollutes the rest of your life and the people around you. Also I just said "legal", e.g. child protective services or notifying police, not Legal Rights of Grandmothers On Their Grandchildren or whatever you're assuming.

michaelmrose 7y ago

Ideally she would tell the son he can go to rehab or get turned in to the authorities.

aidenn0 7y ago
Getting turned into the authorities often doesn't really accomplish anything. Here's a typical case: Meth addicted neglectful mother has dozens of reports from several sources of varying credibility (e.g. reports from an ex-boyfriend are immediately discounted as likely retribution). Each time, Child Welfare Services shows up checks that there are no bruises on kid, food in the cabinet ,and a bed for the kid and then leaves. In the good cases, CWS gets lucky and shows up while the mother is using and the child is removed. In the medium case, someone (e.g. a drug dealer or boyfriend) will hit the kid and leave a mark, which will cause a more thorough investigation that may turn up evidence of drug use. In the bad cases the kid manages to put together enough self-sufficiency to not die and will end up addicted/pregnant/dead/homeless/in jail by the time they are 18. [edit] Don't let the above discourage you from reporting this! The best case happens only because of reports from multiple sources force CWS to keep showing up. Almost all kids that get removed from bad situations before kindergarten happen because people care and report.
- threwawasy1228 7y ago
  CPS are often terribly trained and sometimes downright horrible people. They do all sorts of large scale scrutiny on perfectly fine homes, and then will turn a blind eye on children who are being horribly neglected. They tear families apart and force parents to fight for years in court to get their children back, irrevocably messing up the childs psychology in the process. Here is a former CPS agent talking about the horrific misconduct he saw amongst his fellow CPS workers.[0] [0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyc9Zn3iWQk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyc9Zn3iWQk
  - aidenn0 7y ago
    This probably varies greatly in different areas (in California almost all of how it works is specified at the county level, so even two counties in CA can be very different). Everything that follows is specific to where I live. The actual social workers that I've interacted with are reasonably well trained people. However, they are overworked and underpaid, so a lot of the good ones move to the private sector. Also the heavy caseload means they tend to remove based upon ease of substantiation rather than severity of the situation (i.e. if it's easy to prove a minor infraction that will get you tripped up more quickly than a hard to prove major infraction). This definitely appears to be a function of the system rather than any individual maliciousness. That's social workers. As far as case-aids go I can't think of a single positive thing to say other than "there are a few good ones." It's a low paying job where the only prerequisite is that you can pass a criminal background check. A friend I know ended up as a case-aid by accident! She checked with the county to see if they had any job openings and they said roughly "We need someone to provide transportation" and it wasn't until she showed up to work that she learned she would be transporting foster kids to family visits, and in some cases would be supervising those visits!

barry-cotter 7y ago

> the 70-year old woman could accept the situation with the granddaughter and find other outlets for caretaking or being with children, or tried a legal way to address the situation Wow, what a simultaneously disgusting and ignorant sentiment. Disgusting, because it assumes children, family and relationships are fungible, and ignorant, because it assumes grandparents have rights of some kind, when they don’t.

QuadrupleA 7y ago
What a nasty reply. Is it so inconceivable that the (hypothetical) woman might have maternal / nurturing instincts that strict blood relations aren't the only possible outlet for? Obviously it's a tragedy, for the granddaughter in particular, and if anything at all can be done about the situation then it should be, but sometimes these things are complicated and there aren't a lot of options and you just have to accept and make peace. Or be full of futile, useless anger that pollutes the rest of your life and the people around you. Also I just said "legal", e.g. child protective services or notifying police, not Legal Rights of Grandmothers On Their Grandchildren or whatever you're assuming.