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My single greatest piece of advice: Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safewor

My single greatest piece of advice: Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safeworded stops. Typical rules of safe words, but my kid is 15 and we still use the safe word when things are going wayward (jokes, fights, annoyances, repetitions, references). Probably started it when he was 1 or 2. Second favorite bit of advice: Routines (brushing teeth, going to bed, leaving the house) should be as close to silent, w/r/t instructions, as possible. Talk to each other, but don't negotiate "whatever's next" or "c'mon" or "hurry up".

sequoia 7y ago
In our household the word "badingo" means "I recognize that you are doing a joke premised on being annoying or repetitive,* I acknowledge your joke, it is funny, now please stop." I've never used a "safe word" for anything else but it's an interesting idea. *for example an impression of a person who gives far too detailed explanations, or singing a repetitive song with no end
- hathawsh 7y ago
  Hmm, if we did that, here's what would happen. Kid 1 does something too repetitive. Kid 2: "badingo!" Kid 1 stops, but does something else too repetitive. Kid 2: "badingo!" Kid 1: "You're saying badingo too many times. Badingo!" Kid 2: "badingo badingo badingo badingo badingo!" Kid 1: "badingo times infinity!" Kid 2: MOM! Actually that kind of discussion impresses me because it shows they comprehend infinite loops and recursion at some level.
  - jvagner 7y ago
    Our safe word has become sacred, because there's a lot of benefit to having it, so yielding to it works. I did date a woman who had two daughters.. she needed a safe word in their dynamic but tried introducing it too late in the game. I think you have to start this one early.
- jvagner 7y ago
  Ours has become very multi-use, but it's pretty righteously observed. My girlfriend and I may be in the car with my son, and the conversation may steer into very adult territory, the kind of thing that makes my son uncomfortable, and after a bit of the talking, we'll hear a moderately voiced "baaaadingo..." from the backseat, which we know means he thinks we've gotten too far into adult-land and he's not feeling comfortable. But sometimes when we lose our tempers, the safe word can be a gift. He's 15, his teenager-ness is kicking in just about now, and we can use the safe word to disrupt a self-esteem spiral. He'll stop whatever rant he's on, and sit down and wait it out. The safe word most often stops a behavior and introduces silence... everyone can use that gift regularly enough.
  - sequoia 7y ago
    This seems useful. Is there a point at which you think it would be useful to phase out the use of a specialized safe-word & transition to a more widely understood form of signalling discomfort, or using other strategies such leaving the situation or reading book or putting on headphones etc.? Have you had situations where this "safe-word" is used where you felt the situation wasn't severe enough to require shutting down, and asked your son to try to communicate his needs in plain language? The safe-word sounds useful but I know that for my kids I would not be comfortable with them "pulling the fire alarm" merely because a discussion was uncomfortable for them, I'd ask them instead to find a way to make their request in plain English. My concern with overuse is the "safe-word" turning into a _substitute_ for expressing one's needs clearly. Cool system tho! I might try it out.

sequoia 7y ago

In our household the word "badingo" means "I recognize that you are doing a joke premised on being annoying or repetitive,* I acknowledge your joke, it is funny, now please stop." I've never used a "safe word" for anything else but it's an interesting idea. *for example an impression of a person who gives far too detailed explanations, or singing a repetitive song with no end

hathawsh 7y ago
Hmm, if we did that, here's what would happen. Kid 1 does something too repetitive. Kid 2: "badingo!" Kid 1 stops, but does something else too repetitive. Kid 2: "badingo!" Kid 1: "You're saying badingo too many times. Badingo!" Kid 2: "badingo badingo badingo badingo badingo!" Kid 1: "badingo times infinity!" Kid 2: MOM! Actually that kind of discussion impresses me because it shows they comprehend infinite loops and recursion at some level.
- jvagner 7y ago
  Our safe word has become sacred, because there's a lot of benefit to having it, so yielding to it works. I did date a woman who had two daughters.. she needed a safe word in their dynamic but tried introducing it too late in the game. I think you have to start this one early.
jvagner 7y ago
Ours has become very multi-use, but it's pretty righteously observed. My girlfriend and I may be in the car with my son, and the conversation may steer into very adult territory, the kind of thing that makes my son uncomfortable, and after a bit of the talking, we'll hear a moderately voiced "baaaadingo..." from the backseat, which we know means he thinks we've gotten too far into adult-land and he's not feeling comfortable. But sometimes when we lose our tempers, the safe word can be a gift. He's 15, his teenager-ness is kicking in just about now, and we can use the safe word to disrupt a self-esteem spiral. He'll stop whatever rant he's on, and sit down and wait it out. The safe word most often stops a behavior and introduces silence... everyone can use that gift regularly enough.
- sequoia 7y ago
  This seems useful. Is there a point at which you think it would be useful to phase out the use of a specialized safe-word & transition to a more widely understood form of signalling discomfort, or using other strategies such leaving the situation or reading book or putting on headphones etc.? Have you had situations where this "safe-word" is used where you felt the situation wasn't severe enough to require shutting down, and asked your son to try to communicate his needs in plain language? The safe-word sounds useful but I know that for my kids I would not be comfortable with them "pulling the fire alarm" merely because a discussion was uncomfortable for them, I'd ask them instead to find a way to make their request in plain English. My concern with overuse is the "safe-word" turning into a _substitute_ for expressing one's needs clearly. Cool system tho! I might try it out.