4 ms·

I don't think I twisted anything, given that you said: "Does not even have to be abusive, just a bad one. [...] Divorces do not happen magically. They happen be

by burfog 7y ago

I don't think I twisted anything, given that you said: "Does not even have to be abusive, just a bad one. [...] Divorces do not happen magically. They happen because someone decided it is best solution" It is nearly certain that a relationship will be bad at times. Much of the reason for marriage is to make it difficult to run off one day when you are frustrated and angry. Problems can be resolved, but not if people give up early. Willingly accepting a state of vulnerability is both a demonstration of commitment and a way to help resist the urge to give up. Death is why you buy life insurance. You can also buy disability insurance. If you marry somebody and then find out too late that you don't like them, that is unfortunate. You made that mistake. You need to take responsibility for it. That other person made major life decisions based on your promise to remain until death. That other person gave up their alternative choices for you, and can not now go back to choose differently. Lots of men really intend to pull their weight with chores, but it doesn't happen. I think this often comes about due to differing standards, not a refusal to listen to her concerns. If both will clean the toilet when they see it dirty, but her idea of "dirty" is a single spot (urine, stray hair, skid mark, etc.) while his idea of "dirty" is that the floor is sticky and the bowl scum is peeling loose in layers, she will end up doing the job. He would clean a dirty toilet, but he never encounters one.

watwut 7y ago
It is quite possible for marriage to be bad enough to leave without the partner being abusive. Abuse is about intentional harm, bad relationship about harm. Life insurance does not pay as much money as you imagine either. When the reason partner have to stay with you is that she would be too poor otherwise, then it is not solved relationship problem. It is locked down person without freedom in bad situation. > If you marry somebody and then find out too late that you don't like them, that is unfortunate. You made that mistake. You need to take responsibility for it. Me taking responsibility for my part here is me leaving. It is also often because the other person makes mistakes and when other one refuses responsibility on them, it is not me. Whether abuse or simply partner who ceases to care about relationship (preferring friends, work, video games, hobby, whatever). That can happen with both genders and does. Abuse escalates after marriage and after having children - precisely when it becomes harder for partner to leave. Abusers of both genders are not necessary stupid and can be very charismatic until they decide they don't need it anymore. Same with indifference - the part when one decides checking out of relationship and ignoring partner effectively is good decision. Marriage should not be trap. These are decisions partner made and may be result of them changing values (new friends, new ideology), they are not merely result of personality. > Lots of men really intend to pull their weight with chores, but it doesn't happen. I think this often comes about due to differing standards, not a refusal to listen to her concerns. Differing standards are solved literally by talking and listening to other side. She lowers hers a bit, he raises his a bit. When it is not happening, someone is not listening nor caring about relationship part here. There is the part where he cleans something because she has higher standard or because she asked. Or where he explains that he really thinks she is overdoing and she listen. Frankly, I know only one man whose idea of clean floor is "sticky" or peeling scum. Not when somebody else is cleaning, not in hotel not in restaurant. I live in a culture that generally expect non sticky floors. The differences are not so much in opinions, but more of in habits and actions.
- burfog 7y ago
  This idea that "Me taking responsibility for my part here is me leaving." is simply stunning in how upside-down and backwards it is. I'm not sure what the point of marriage is if you show it so little respect. Tax break? Taking unfair advantage of somebody who is more serious about marriage? Marriage absolutely should be a trap. That is mutual. One enters into this willingly, partly as a demonstration of commitment and partly to help resist one's own urge to be destructive. Willingness to demonstrate a high level of commitment is one factor in obtaining a high-quality spouse. Fewer good-quality spouses will be available if you show signs that you are ready and willing to abandon your spouse. Remember, you're supposed to stick around even if your spouse is drooling in a wheelchair and smells awful.

by burfog 7y ago

watwut 7y ago

It is quite possible for marriage to be bad enough to leave without the partner being abusive. Abuse is about intentional harm, bad relationship about harm. Life insurance does not pay as much money as you imagine either. When the reason partner have to stay with you is that she would be too poor otherwise, then it is not solved relationship problem. It is locked down person without freedom in bad situation. > If you marry somebody and then find out too late that you don't like them, that is unfortunate. You made that mistake. You need to take responsibility for it. Me taking responsibility for my part here is me leaving. It is also often because the other person makes mistakes and when other one refuses responsibility on them, it is not me. Whether abuse or simply partner who ceases to care about relationship (preferring friends, work, video games, hobby, whatever). That can happen with both genders and does. Abuse escalates after marriage and after having children - precisely when it becomes harder for partner to leave. Abusers of both genders are not necessary stupid and can be very charismatic until they decide they don't need it anymore. Same with indifference - the part when one decides checking out of relationship and ignoring partner effectively is good decision. Marriage should not be trap. These are decisions partner made and may be result of them changing values (new friends, new ideology), they are not merely result of personality. > Lots of men really intend to pull their weight with chores, but it doesn't happen. I think this often comes about due to differing standards, not a refusal to listen to her concerns. Differing standards are solved literally by talking and listening to other side. She lowers hers a bit, he raises his a bit. When it is not happening, someone is not listening nor caring about relationship part here. There is the part where he cleans something because she has higher standard or because she asked. Or where he explains that he really thinks she is overdoing and she listen. Frankly, I know only one man whose idea of clean floor is "sticky" or peeling scum. Not when somebody else is cleaning, not in hotel not in restaurant. I live in a culture that generally expect non sticky floors. The differences are not so much in opinions, but more of in habits and actions.

burfog 7y ago
This idea that "Me taking responsibility for my part here is me leaving." is simply stunning in how upside-down and backwards it is. I'm not sure what the point of marriage is if you show it so little respect. Tax break? Taking unfair advantage of somebody who is more serious about marriage? Marriage absolutely should be a trap. That is mutual. One enters into this willingly, partly as a demonstration of commitment and partly to help resist one's own urge to be destructive. Willingness to demonstrate a high level of commitment is one factor in obtaining a high-quality spouse. Fewer good-quality spouses will be available if you show signs that you are ready and willing to abandon your spouse. Remember, you're supposed to stick around even if your spouse is drooling in a wheelchair and smells awful.