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This reminds me of a parenting philosophy we employ with our kids: We don’t tell them they are smart. Instead, we tell them they must have worked hard at somet

This reminds me of a parenting philosophy we employ with our kids: We don’t tell them they are smart. Instead, we tell them they must have worked hard at something (Assuming it was worthy of praise). We got this from the book Nature Shock, a book that talks about “counter intuitive” examples of how you can impart lessons on your kids more effectively. Basically by praising hard work rather than brilliance, you are telling your kids that you got something because you worked on it, not because you are inherently “smart”. This gives them (at least in theory) something to work with when they run into obstacles. Worry though what to do if they never pursue anything that is truly “hard” for them, and consequently need to struggle. and they never have to work. Edit: changed wording in last paragraph to clarify intent

barry-cotter 7y ago
At some point they’ll leave your care and enter some other environments. If they don’t understand that other people find school and intellectual work far more difficult and less rewarding than they do there are two different failure modes possible. They can really piss people off by suggesting they do things they perceive as a deliberate insult, like telling a coal miner they they should retrain and get a job at Google, or they never meet those people and think everyone is like them. People who have no contact with other social and educational strata have comically off estimations of how other people live, the educational equivalent of asking someone with work problems why they don’t take time off and live off their investments for a bit.
- 0815test 7y ago
  > telling a coal miner Or a journalist. Guess what, your four-year college degree didn't do you any good, they should have taught you the skills that have actually been current in the real world for the last 20 to 40 years. Whoops.
- aerophilic 7y ago
  It’s a valid concern. I worry about this a lot. My wife had a much different upbringing than me, and as a consequence, is “blind” to certain realities. When I tell her things about how most people find “x” hard, she just doesn’t “get it”. She just sees that there are so many people who find “x” easy, and she looks “up” and sees all the things she finds hard. Not sure how to “teach” this to my kids, other than having them stay with family that weren’t as fortunate as me while growing up. Show them how hard it is when you don’t have all the advantages (we thus far) have been able to give them. One thing that I know I can do is make sure they learn the value of “hard labor”, as I did helping my Dad doing construction over the years. It sucked at the time, but I know what it truly means to be physically exhausted at the end of the day for long stretches because you has been carrying 2x4s, cement bags, and digging holes all day.
  - barry-cotter 7y ago
    > Not sure how to “teach” this to my kids, other than having them stay with family that weren’t as fortunate as me while growing up. Show them how hard it is when you don’t have all the advantages (we thus far) have been able to give them. Summer and part time jobs. Working in a supermarket, fast food restaurant or on a golf course or construction site leaves you with a much better appreciation for the breadth of human capacities, interests and experiences than working towards your first I Banking internship. I’m sure volunteering as a tutor to disadvantaged children would help a bit too but only for realising the diversity of capacities out there.

barry-cotter 7y ago

At some point they’ll leave your care and enter some other environments. If they don’t understand that other people find school and intellectual work far more difficult and less rewarding than they do there are two different failure modes possible. They can really piss people off by suggesting they do things they perceive as a deliberate insult, like telling a coal miner they they should retrain and get a job at Google, or they never meet those people and think everyone is like them. People who have no contact with other social and educational strata have comically off estimations of how other people live, the educational equivalent of asking someone with work problems why they don’t take time off and live off their investments for a bit.

0815test 7y ago
> telling a coal miner Or a journalist. Guess what, your four-year college degree didn't do you any good, they should have taught you the skills that have actually been current in the real world for the last 20 to 40 years. Whoops.
aerophilic 7y ago
It’s a valid concern. I worry about this a lot. My wife had a much different upbringing than me, and as a consequence, is “blind” to certain realities. When I tell her things about how most people find “x” hard, she just doesn’t “get it”. She just sees that there are so many people who find “x” easy, and she looks “up” and sees all the things she finds hard. Not sure how to “teach” this to my kids, other than having them stay with family that weren’t as fortunate as me while growing up. Show them how hard it is when you don’t have all the advantages (we thus far) have been able to give them. One thing that I know I can do is make sure they learn the value of “hard labor”, as I did helping my Dad doing construction over the years. It sucked at the time, but I know what it truly means to be physically exhausted at the end of the day for long stretches because you has been carrying 2x4s, cement bags, and digging holes all day.
- barry-cotter 7y ago
  > Not sure how to “teach” this to my kids, other than having them stay with family that weren’t as fortunate as me while growing up. Show them how hard it is when you don’t have all the advantages (we thus far) have been able to give them. Summer and part time jobs. Working in a supermarket, fast food restaurant or on a golf course or construction site leaves you with a much better appreciation for the breadth of human capacities, interests and experiences than working towards your first I Banking internship. I’m sure volunteering as a tutor to disadvantaged children would help a bit too but only for realising the diversity of capacities out there.