Reading this with my morning coffee, it sure hits hard. I feel for your situation, comrade! I don't have any advice, just wanted to share my experience if you h

Reading this with my morning coffee, it sure hits hard. I feel for your situation, comrade! I don't have any advice, just wanted to share my experience if you happen to read this. I've been a Hikikomori, more or less all my life, maybe with autistic tendencies. The thing is, I'm one of the happy ones - like a stray cat who's been taken in by a kind home. It's been fortunate that the condition evolved into a socially acceptable form, with a healthier balance of inside/outside, self/world. But I was very lucky in terms of family, work, relationships, and life could have dealt me with a tougher hand - so much of it was due to "chance". The word Hikikomori breaks down into 引く (hiku: to pull) and 篭る (komoru: to be confined, to shut oneself up, to hide). This latter word contains some psychological insight, and there's even some positive aspects to "komoru". One of the meanings is, during war, to go inside one's castle and fight from a protected space. So it's a strategy in a hostile situation. Another meaning is, to voluntarily withdraw from the world and retreat into a temple, for spiritual search and contemplation. There's no blame or judgement, it's a personal decision and stance, and there are many ways to go forward. There are people who care about you (or would, if you reach out). Despite our imperfections, societal/civilizational immaturity - I hope you find healing somehow, to rediscover that it's possible to love being alive, to love people, to love the world. If all that fails, at least I wish that you find peace in your heart.