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As a former child, I have some insight, I think. Everything is just my opinion and I claim no authority on the subject. Your mileage may vary, especially depend

As a former child, I have some insight, I think. Everything is just my opinion and I claim no authority on the subject. Your mileage may vary, especially depending on your childs age. Mine is too young for the net so this is mostly based on my experiences, the experience of friends with kids, etc. I don't personally agree with using software to monitor activity for a few reasons. There are two main reasons for my opinion of this: It rapidly erodes the trust between you and your child, and I tend to stay away from any tech targetted at/for kids (or parents for the purpose of monitoring kids) due to the numerous scandals (insecure, data problems, whatever). The single biggest influencing factor for online safety, in my opinion, is education. Explaining what the internet is, how it works, etc. _without fear mongering_. Present the dangers, and the benefits, without bias. The best way to approach it is by being honest. There are dangers, here's the reality of them, here's how you should deal with them, and here's when you can come to me without fear of judgement. The key here: don't try to "scare them straight" - it doesn't work. Just be honest. More helpful than any monitoring is encouraging a home where your kids want to come to you with their problems, instead of hide their problems from you. In my (admittedly anecdotl) experiences, monitoring widens the gap between parent and child - not closes it. Don't forget that kids deserve some privacy in their lives, too. In general, I think it comes down to "be a good parent". Be available, be helpful. Educate. Don't lie or overexaggerate to get a point across - no matter how valid the point. Ask about your childs day and try to pick up on non-verbal cues that something might be going awry. The internet is out there, your child is going to find it. Help them make it through that, rather than shelter from that. Thanks for listening to my tedtalk

rooam-dev 7y ago
I don't think it's about trust. Kids are kids, inexperienced. An extra, distant oversight may be required when talking about safety. The stakes are too high. It's like having a learners permit that requires someone with a license be in the car. Same thing about drugs, pregnancy, STD, etc... The stakes are too high to just rely on apparent understanding. I agree 100% about education. Educate, but verify (in a healthy way). Just my 2cents.
- ziddoap 7y ago
  Driving is technical and stakes are higher (literal death if the wrong move is made) - it makes sense to have a more active monitoring system (learners permit) for that. >Same thing about drugs, pregnancy, STD, etc... The stakes are too high to just rely on apparent understanding. Drugs is not prevented by monitoring - but by education. Pregnancy is not prevented by monitoring - but by education. STD's are not prevented by monitoring - but by education. >I agree 100% about education. Educate, but verify (in a healthy way). I do agree, there is a bit of a balance to be struck and being able to verify gives a lot of relief to the parents.
  - prepend 7y ago
    I know many kids who went on birth control the minute parents discovered sexual activity or interest. So pregnancy was definitely prevented by monitoring. It’s also pretty handy for improving education and conversations.
    - nicoburns 7y ago
      IMO, knowledge of sexual activity comes from education and trust, not from monitoring. I know several teenagers whose parents didn't know about their sexual activity until much later than it started, even though the parents thought they were monitoring for it. Others have a conversation with their parents before they start, because they trust them. Those are the parents you want to be.
      - prepend 7y ago
        IMO, kids need help understanding the world and doing the right thing. I think this, like much of parenting, comes down to anecdote swapping and so it’s part of the struggle to learn about how to do well. I don’t know what kind of parents I want to be and wish I had the certainty you do in this area.
        nicoburns 7y ago
bobajeff 7y ago
I think in general this is good advice for parents. Long before the internet, kids in my parents and grandparents generation would've avoided many cases of abuse had they been brought up in a environment where they could come to their parents with problems without fear of judgment/punishment.
jolmg 7y ago
What do you think of censoring, like blocking porn sites and possibly obscure sites that might depict awful gore? Do you think education suffices? At what age? I want to agree with everything you said, but there's some crazy things on the net. With children being the curious and impressionable creatures that they are, I find it scary to think how much they could be influenced by what they happen to come upon or search on a whim.
- cpach 7y ago
  Doesn’t kids mostly handle that stuff on their own? E.g. by refusing to watch. When I was in junior high some guys would go to the computer lab and visit really vile gore sites. I never did though. From what they told me it just seemed repulsive enough that I never visited those sites.
  - jolmg 7y ago
    You never did, but they did. I don't know why it was more repulsive for you, but without knowing the difference between you and them, it doesn't seem like something that can be relied upon.
    - ulises314 7y ago
      Alas that difference is the only thing that will actually matter; a curious enough kid will find a venue to circumvent restriction (friend's house, Internet cafe)
      - cpach 7y ago
        Spot on. I guess it’s the same thing with alcohol and cigarettes. If the kids want to try it, they will find the stuff. (FWIW, I didn’t smoke a cigarette until I was 20 or so. I was curious, just not about tobacco.)
        deleted 7y ago
        [deleted]
cpach 7y ago
I strongly agree regarding the monitoring. I have a hard time seeing myself monitoring what my kids do online. I would have been furious if my parents would have done that to me. I definitely agree that kids have a right to privacy. IMO, trust is vital when trying to raise stable and self-aware persons. If my kids will do really stupid stuff online I think I would rather take away their phones for a limited time rather than monitor what they do.
nellypat 7y ago
This takes more effort but may be the best long-term solution.
prepend 7y ago
Education and monitoring aren’t exclusive. If you’ve ever been a sysadmin, it’s kind of the same. There’s tons of training and you don’t livestream what the kids doing, but you want some auditing and reporting when stuff breaks and you need to track it down. I think it’s valuable to get insight from kids and ex-kids, but I think it’s more important to get insight from parents and now you can even get insight from parents who were once digital kids.
- ziddoap 7y ago
  I didn't say they were exclusive, at all. I said that I don't like monitoring software for two reasons. I then explained my opinion on the question the parent poster asked - which is that education and fostering an open/trusting relationship is, in my opinion, the best method. Not the only, or exclusive method. I appreciate the backhand compliment regarding any insight I provided, though.
  - prepend 7y ago
    My compliment wasn’t backhanded. My confusion is that describing a situation of education doesn’t remove the need for monitoring. I missed the part where monitoring wasn’t useful and read a bit about education. I think if you described the anti-monitoring independent part separately than education it would help because the entire education suggestion can be carried out in addition to monitoring.
    - ziddoap 7y ago
      >I think it’s valuable to get insight from kids and ex-kids, but I think it’s more important to get insight from parents[...] Reads pretty back-handedly considering I mentioned that I am a parent. Even if I didn't or wasn't, it reads (to me, at least) as "pat on the head for writing something, but let the adults speak". Where adults = people with kids, and adults without kids can't supply as valuable of an opinion. Which really, is kind of silly when you think about it. I clearly remember many things my parents did which created distance between us, eroded trust, or did the opposite. Why are my experiences with my parents not as valuable? Anywho, I could just be tired and reading malice into it, when it wasnt intended. If that's the case, my apologies. I'm trying to get into the habit of reading in a positive light, rather than a negative one - but I read this with a negative light.

rooam-dev 7y ago

I don't think it's about trust. Kids are kids, inexperienced. An extra, distant oversight may be required when talking about safety. The stakes are too high. It's like having a learners permit that requires someone with a license be in the car. Same thing about drugs, pregnancy, STD, etc... The stakes are too high to just rely on apparent understanding. I agree 100% about education. Educate, but verify (in a healthy way). Just my 2cents.

ziddoap 7y ago
Driving is technical and stakes are higher (literal death if the wrong move is made) - it makes sense to have a more active monitoring system (learners permit) for that. >Same thing about drugs, pregnancy, STD, etc... The stakes are too high to just rely on apparent understanding. Drugs is not prevented by monitoring - but by education. Pregnancy is not prevented by monitoring - but by education. STD's are not prevented by monitoring - but by education. >I agree 100% about education. Educate, but verify (in a healthy way). I do agree, there is a bit of a balance to be struck and being able to verify gives a lot of relief to the parents.
- prepend 7y ago
  I know many kids who went on birth control the minute parents discovered sexual activity or interest. So pregnancy was definitely prevented by monitoring. It’s also pretty handy for improving education and conversations.
  - nicoburns 7y ago
    IMO, knowledge of sexual activity comes from education and trust, not from monitoring. I know several teenagers whose parents didn't know about their sexual activity until much later than it started, even though the parents thought they were monitoring for it. Others have a conversation with their parents before they start, because they trust them. Those are the parents you want to be.
    - prepend 7y ago
      IMO, kids need help understanding the world and doing the right thing. I think this, like much of parenting, comes down to anecdote swapping and so it’s part of the struggle to learn about how to do well. I don’t know what kind of parents I want to be and wish I had the certainty you do in this area.
      - nicoburns 7y ago

bobajeff 7y ago

I think in general this is good advice for parents. Long before the internet, kids in my parents and grandparents generation would've avoided many cases of abuse had they been brought up in a environment where they could come to their parents with problems without fear of judgment/punishment.

jolmg 7y ago

What do you think of censoring, like blocking porn sites and possibly obscure sites that might depict awful gore? Do you think education suffices? At what age? I want to agree with everything you said, but there's some crazy things on the net. With children being the curious and impressionable creatures that they are, I find it scary to think how much they could be influenced by what they happen to come upon or search on a whim.

cpach 7y ago
Doesn’t kids mostly handle that stuff on their own? E.g. by refusing to watch. When I was in junior high some guys would go to the computer lab and visit really vile gore sites. I never did though. From what they told me it just seemed repulsive enough that I never visited those sites.
- jolmg 7y ago
  You never did, but they did. I don't know why it was more repulsive for you, but without knowing the difference between you and them, it doesn't seem like something that can be relied upon.
  - ulises314 7y ago
    Alas that difference is the only thing that will actually matter; a curious enough kid will find a venue to circumvent restriction (friend's house, Internet cafe)
    - cpach 7y ago
      Spot on. I guess it’s the same thing with alcohol and cigarettes. If the kids want to try it, they will find the stuff. (FWIW, I didn’t smoke a cigarette until I was 20 or so. I was curious, just not about tobacco.)
      - deleted 7y ago
        [deleted]

cpach 7y ago

I strongly agree regarding the monitoring. I have a hard time seeing myself monitoring what my kids do online. I would have been furious if my parents would have done that to me. I definitely agree that kids have a right to privacy. IMO, trust is vital when trying to raise stable and self-aware persons. If my kids will do really stupid stuff online I think I would rather take away their phones for a limited time rather than monitor what they do.

nellypat 7y ago

This takes more effort but may be the best long-term solution.

prepend 7y ago

Education and monitoring aren’t exclusive. If you’ve ever been a sysadmin, it’s kind of the same. There’s tons of training and you don’t livestream what the kids doing, but you want some auditing and reporting when stuff breaks and you need to track it down. I think it’s valuable to get insight from kids and ex-kids, but I think it’s more important to get insight from parents and now you can even get insight from parents who were once digital kids.

ziddoap 7y ago
I didn't say they were exclusive, at all. I said that I don't like monitoring software for two reasons. I then explained my opinion on the question the parent poster asked - which is that education and fostering an open/trusting relationship is, in my opinion, the best method. Not the only, or exclusive method. I appreciate the backhand compliment regarding any insight I provided, though.
- prepend 7y ago
  My compliment wasn’t backhanded. My confusion is that describing a situation of education doesn’t remove the need for monitoring. I missed the part where monitoring wasn’t useful and read a bit about education. I think if you described the anti-monitoring independent part separately than education it would help because the entire education suggestion can be carried out in addition to monitoring.
  - ziddoap 7y ago
    >I think it’s valuable to get insight from kids and ex-kids, but I think it’s more important to get insight from parents[...] Reads pretty back-handedly considering I mentioned that I am a parent. Even if I didn't or wasn't, it reads (to me, at least) as "pat on the head for writing something, but let the adults speak". Where adults = people with kids, and adults without kids can't supply as valuable of an opinion. Which really, is kind of silly when you think about it. I clearly remember many things my parents did which created distance between us, eroded trust, or did the opposite. Why are my experiences with my parents not as valuable? Anywho, I could just be tired and reading malice into it, when it wasnt intended. If that's the case, my apologies. I'm trying to get into the habit of reading in a positive light, rather than a negative one - but I read this with a negative light.