12 ms·

As an ordinary, middle of the road, adult, I wish my parents pushed me harder. Sure, I can do it myself now, but after 20+ years of building habits, it's very h

As an ordinary, middle of the road, adult, I wish my parents pushed me harder. Sure, I can do it myself now, but after 20+ years of building habits, it's very hard to change track, and so far I've been unsuccessful. Basically I have the desire to do "more", but lack the mental and emotional skillsets to be able to execute.

DoreenMichele 7y ago
Mental and emotional skill sets can be improved. What do you want to accomplish that you aren't accomplishing? What seems to be the holdup? I'm sure plenty of people here can point you in the right direction to dramatically up your game in relatively short order (possibly including me).
- ativzzz 7y ago
  > What seems to be the holdup? Primary issue is my lack of self-discipline to be able to override desires for short-term pleasures.
  - DoreenMichele 7y ago
    "Lack of self discipline" is very often code for one of two things: 1. Unidentified problems, such as minor health issues. 2. A signifier of being Twice Exceptional, which I highly recommend you read up on because average performance that the individual finds frustrating while longing to do greater things is a standard hallmark of being 2e. Some resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional https://www.hoagiesgifted.org/twice_exceptional.htm https://www.hoagiesgifted.org/twice_exceptional.htm I raised and homeschooled two Twice Exceptional sons. One was a B student. The other made straight As. The B student has both a higher IQ and a lot more handicaps/other issues. I briefly did pro bono work for The TAG Project: http://www.tagfam.org/ http://www.tagfam.org/
    - ativzzz 7y ago
      Thanks for the reply > 1. Unidentified problems, such as minor health issues. What kind of minor health issues? Physical or mental? > 2. 2e I really don't think I fit in this area, just one example being because it's not > average performance that's my problem, because when I do something when I put in any amount of "effort", I nail it. The only time my performance is average, is when I don't do any work and just throw something together last second because I spent all my time playing video games. The problem, of course, is that I find the majority of things I do fall into that latter camp where I can't muster the drive to put in effort.
      - DoreenMichele 7y ago
        Any number of things can trip one up if they haven't been identified, so aren't being proactively managed. It could be as simple as "I have allergies and I don't know it, so I can't connect the dots that when I do X, I am exposed to something I am mildly allergic to and then I accomplish a whole fat lot of nothing." The problem, of course, is that I find the majority of things I do fall into that latter camp where I can't muster the drive to put in effort. Please just start reading the resources I pointed you to. There's also this, which I am the author of, though there isn't much there currently: https://raisingfutureadults.blogspot.com/ https://raisingfutureadults.blogspot.com/
  - justinchan 7y ago
    Read Deep Work by Cal Newport. I’ve had problems my entire life up until the past year with self-discipline and bad habits. This book, among other factors, flipped a switch for me. Other key factors were finding things in life that are worth the short term sacrifice for long term fulfillment. Surround yourself with ambitious folks. I’ve been the degenerate binge- watching Netflix till 5am, skipping college classes etc. And still have days almost that bad, but full-time employment changes people. Build good habits, adopt a growth mindset and we all can do it. Oh and sleep is extremely important. If I get less than 7 hours, I don’t have enough mental stamina and end up succumbing to all the short term desires.
Alex3917 7y ago
How old are you? In the same way that most teenagers enjoy playing video games more than doing work, most people in their 30s enjoy doing work more than playing video games. If you're only in your 20s or early 30s then at some point your brain may just flip on its own.
- finder83 7y ago
  Is that because they stopped playing video games or because they were part of a generation where it just wasn't as common? My brain never did that flip (though I don't mind work so much). I kind of expect to see video games start appearing in nursing homes around the time I have to go to one.
  - ddoolin 7y ago
    As an anecdata, I played games heavily as a kid, until my early 20s. I didn't stop completely, and I wouldn't say I enjoy working more, but I prefer many other things before I reach for a controller/mouse+kb. I don't know if the brain flip is accurate as it makes it sound sudden, but for me I just developed more interests all of which fight for ever-shrinking time.
    - tombert 7y ago
      I'm the same way; from ages ~5-21 or so, I played video games almost-daily, but now I tend to keep myself entertained by programming something...not necessarily for my employer, but also not necessarily not for my employer. I can't quite tell if it's because I like programming more, or if it's because as I get older, I have trouble justifying stuff that I know won't help with monetary or intellectual fulfillment.
      - Alex3917 7y ago
        I think this is accurate. As you get older it’s more obvious that video games are kind of an artificial happiness, similar to doing mushrooms or something. It’s not that they’re not fun per se, but it’s hard to actually feel good about spending lots of time doing something that’s not going to contribute to your long term wellbeing.
ddoolin 7y ago
Interesting. I'm the same way in the first regard. 27 y/o for reference. I always wished my parents had pushed a bit harder, but now I live in Irvine (SoCal) where everyone here is busy trying to push their children to prodigy-dom. I get an intense window into this because my partner is a private piano teacher and I have to say, I'm quite thankful they never pushed me like _that_. There's definitely a middle road and as a parent of two, I can empathize with this being somewhat difficult to nail. I spent a lot of time feeling like you, wanting more but not executing. That said, I have been pretty successful in the last two years, learning those things on my own. I learned/am learning how to be a very proficient dev, play classical guitar, snowboard, dive, and surf decently, and even now fly planes. I'm not the best but enough for some serious personal enjoyment. For me it was the catalyst of flipping my world upside down, moving far away and starting over. Drop me a line if you ever want, maybe I can offer some assistance.
- ativzzz 7y ago
  I'm the same age, and I agree, I am NOT saying that I wanted to be a child prodigy, but I wish there was a bit more push than the Laissez-Faire I got. I've thought about > flipping my world upside down, moving far away and starting over but I have too many good people in my life where I am to do this, even if it means sacrificing ambitions. Note that these are good people who inspire me to do better, but that inspiration fades when push actually comes to shove.
systemBuilder 7y ago
Parents don't push kids. Kids push themselves. I was an EE/CS professor at a top 20 school. The only push was the example my parents set, as far back as 2nd grade. They never asked me to do my homework, work harder in school, or get better grades.
- dragonwriter 7y ago
  > Parents don't push kids. Yes, they (often) do. With positive or negative effects depending on the approach and how well it is adapted to the kid. > Kids push themselves. Yes, they often do. The two are not mutually exclusive. > I was an EE/CS professor at a top 20 school. The only push was the example my parents set, as far back as 2nd grade. Yes, parental modelling is a powerful mechanism for influencing childhood behavior and, while it's not the only tool in the kit, by itself a powerful rebuttal to your first claim.
ddebernardy 7y ago
> I wish my parents pushed me harder. Think twice about what you wish for. Parents pushing kids hard are not a panacea, and you might not have gotten as far in life if your parents were like that. > Basically I have the desire to do "more", but lack the mental and emotional skillsets to be able to execute. FWIW what usually holds people back isn't what their parents did or the education they received at school. Rather, it is the importance they put on their parents' eyes and on their peers' eyes. Just move on and do.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]

DoreenMichele 7y ago

Mental and emotional skill sets can be improved. What do you want to accomplish that you aren't accomplishing? What seems to be the holdup? I'm sure plenty of people here can point you in the right direction to dramatically up your game in relatively short order (possibly including me).

ativzzz 7y ago
> What seems to be the holdup? Primary issue is my lack of self-discipline to be able to override desires for short-term pleasures.
- DoreenMichele 7y ago
  "Lack of self discipline" is very often code for one of two things: 1. Unidentified problems, such as minor health issues. 2. A signifier of being Twice Exceptional, which I highly recommend you read up on because average performance that the individual finds frustrating while longing to do greater things is a standard hallmark of being 2e. Some resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twice_exceptional https://www.hoagiesgifted.org/twice_exceptional.htm https://www.hoagiesgifted.org/twice_exceptional.htm I raised and homeschooled two Twice Exceptional sons. One was a B student. The other made straight As. The B student has both a higher IQ and a lot more handicaps/other issues. I briefly did pro bono work for The TAG Project: http://www.tagfam.org/ http://www.tagfam.org/
  - ativzzz 7y ago
    Thanks for the reply > 1. Unidentified problems, such as minor health issues. What kind of minor health issues? Physical or mental? > 2. 2e I really don't think I fit in this area, just one example being because it's not > average performance that's my problem, because when I do something when I put in any amount of "effort", I nail it. The only time my performance is average, is when I don't do any work and just throw something together last second because I spent all my time playing video games. The problem, of course, is that I find the majority of things I do fall into that latter camp where I can't muster the drive to put in effort.
    - DoreenMichele 7y ago
      Any number of things can trip one up if they haven't been identified, so aren't being proactively managed. It could be as simple as "I have allergies and I don't know it, so I can't connect the dots that when I do X, I am exposed to something I am mildly allergic to and then I accomplish a whole fat lot of nothing." The problem, of course, is that I find the majority of things I do fall into that latter camp where I can't muster the drive to put in effort. Please just start reading the resources I pointed you to. There's also this, which I am the author of, though there isn't much there currently: https://raisingfutureadults.blogspot.com/ https://raisingfutureadults.blogspot.com/
- justinchan 7y ago
  Read Deep Work by Cal Newport. I’ve had problems my entire life up until the past year with self-discipline and bad habits. This book, among other factors, flipped a switch for me. Other key factors were finding things in life that are worth the short term sacrifice for long term fulfillment. Surround yourself with ambitious folks. I’ve been the degenerate binge- watching Netflix till 5am, skipping college classes etc. And still have days almost that bad, but full-time employment changes people. Build good habits, adopt a growth mindset and we all can do it. Oh and sleep is extremely important. If I get less than 7 hours, I don’t have enough mental stamina and end up succumbing to all the short term desires.

Alex3917 7y ago

How old are you? In the same way that most teenagers enjoy playing video games more than doing work, most people in their 30s enjoy doing work more than playing video games. If you're only in your 20s or early 30s then at some point your brain may just flip on its own.

finder83 7y ago
Is that because they stopped playing video games or because they were part of a generation where it just wasn't as common? My brain never did that flip (though I don't mind work so much). I kind of expect to see video games start appearing in nursing homes around the time I have to go to one.
- ddoolin 7y ago
  As an anecdata, I played games heavily as a kid, until my early 20s. I didn't stop completely, and I wouldn't say I enjoy working more, but I prefer many other things before I reach for a controller/mouse+kb. I don't know if the brain flip is accurate as it makes it sound sudden, but for me I just developed more interests all of which fight for ever-shrinking time.
  - tombert 7y ago
    I'm the same way; from ages ~5-21 or so, I played video games almost-daily, but now I tend to keep myself entertained by programming something...not necessarily for my employer, but also not necessarily not for my employer. I can't quite tell if it's because I like programming more, or if it's because as I get older, I have trouble justifying stuff that I know won't help with monetary or intellectual fulfillment.
    - Alex3917 7y ago
      I think this is accurate. As you get older it’s more obvious that video games are kind of an artificial happiness, similar to doing mushrooms or something. It’s not that they’re not fun per se, but it’s hard to actually feel good about spending lots of time doing something that’s not going to contribute to your long term wellbeing.

ddoolin 7y ago

Interesting. I'm the same way in the first regard. 27 y/o for reference. I always wished my parents had pushed a bit harder, but now I live in Irvine (SoCal) where everyone here is busy trying to push their children to prodigy-dom. I get an intense window into this because my partner is a private piano teacher and I have to say, I'm quite thankful they never pushed me like _that_. There's definitely a middle road and as a parent of two, I can empathize with this being somewhat difficult to nail. I spent a lot of time feeling like you, wanting more but not executing. That said, I have been pretty successful in the last two years, learning those things on my own. I learned/am learning how to be a very proficient dev, play classical guitar, snowboard, dive, and surf decently, and even now fly planes. I'm not the best but enough for some serious personal enjoyment. For me it was the catalyst of flipping my world upside down, moving far away and starting over. Drop me a line if you ever want, maybe I can offer some assistance.

ativzzz 7y ago
I'm the same age, and I agree, I am NOT saying that I wanted to be a child prodigy, but I wish there was a bit more push than the Laissez-Faire I got. I've thought about > flipping my world upside down, moving far away and starting over but I have too many good people in my life where I am to do this, even if it means sacrificing ambitions. Note that these are good people who inspire me to do better, but that inspiration fades when push actually comes to shove.

systemBuilder 7y ago

Parents don't push kids. Kids push themselves. I was an EE/CS professor at a top 20 school. The only push was the example my parents set, as far back as 2nd grade. They never asked me to do my homework, work harder in school, or get better grades.

dragonwriter 7y ago
> Parents don't push kids. Yes, they (often) do. With positive or negative effects depending on the approach and how well it is adapted to the kid. > Kids push themselves. Yes, they often do. The two are not mutually exclusive. > I was an EE/CS professor at a top 20 school. The only push was the example my parents set, as far back as 2nd grade. Yes, parental modelling is a powerful mechanism for influencing childhood behavior and, while it's not the only tool in the kit, by itself a powerful rebuttal to your first claim.

ddebernardy 7y ago

> I wish my parents pushed me harder. Think twice about what you wish for. Parents pushing kids hard are not a panacea, and you might not have gotten as far in life if your parents were like that. > Basically I have the desire to do "more", but lack the mental and emotional skillsets to be able to execute. FWIW what usually holds people back isn't what their parents did or the education they received at school. Rather, it is the importance they put on their parents' eyes and on their peers' eyes. Just move on and do.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]