7 ms·

As a lifelong teetotaler, one thing I've consistently found strange is how much other people seem concerned by me not drinking at social events. This seems cons

As a lifelong teetotaler, one thing I've consistently found strange is how much other people seem concerned by me not drinking at social events. This seems consistent with the conclusions of the study. Some people want to make sure that I'm "having fun". Apparently "having fun" is a euphemism for drinking. No matter how many times I tell them that yes, I am enjoying myself, this doesn't satisfy some people. Some people seem concerned that because everyone else is drinking, if someone does something stupid then I'll remember it. I don't know what to say about this other than that I don't particularly care if you do something stupid as long as it's not dangerous. And then there are the people who believe that my not drinking means that I judge those who do. I don't care if you drink any more than if you put ketchup on your fries. Sure, if you drank a gallon of ketchup I'd be concerned, but most people don't, so I'm not concerned. There are those who'll comment on me as if I'm some sort of oddity. Well, I guess I am, and this is never said as a bad thing in my experience, so I'll take it. Admittedly, I'm old enough that most people don't care, but I'm still surprised by those who do.

hmate9 8y ago
From my experience people are not concerned about me not drinking, but rather they’re extremely surprised that such a thing exists and want to know the reason why. The answer “because I enjoy myself without it and I don’t want to get drunk” only gets accepted about 50% of the time. The other 50% people start speculating odd reasons as to why I’m not drinking :)
- btrettel 8y ago
  Yes, I'm often asked about why too. I used to be bothered by this because (like you) I'd find that people often don't accept my answers. Right now I don't give a clear answer (e.g. Q: "Why don't you drink?" A: "Because I don't want to.") because many people who ask don't seem interested in my reasons beyond using the reasons as an opener for a sales pitch about drinking. E.g., if I say that I don't like the taste, they'll insist that I haven't tried the right drink yet, sometimes going as far as to recommend a particular drink. If someone said they didn't like mayonnaise it would be particularly weird for someone else to insist that they try a particular type of mayonnaise, but the same logic apparently doesn't apply for drinking. There's also the problem that many drinkers believe non-drinkers judge them, and I feel that if I gave some of my reasons, the drinkers would feel judged.
magashna 8y ago
If people are asking you if you're having fun its because you're showing you're not. Grab a sprite and say it's a G&T and enjoy yourself.
- jryan49 8y ago
  I've had the same experience. I really think some people feel awkward if there is someone not drinking like it's some sort of tacit disapproval of their actions.
- btrettel 8y ago
  > its because you're showing you're not. Grab a sprite and say it's a G&T and enjoy yourself. So the way to look like I'm enjoying myself is to fake drinking? At first I thought you might be suggesting that I look depressed or whatnot, but now I'm not certain. I will say that no, I don't think I look down.
T-hawk 8y ago
I recently had experiences with a regular social group that demonstrated this. It's a group that drinks regularly except for two people who don't. One always feels like he fits in fine, while the other's presence always stuck out as not fitting in. I had to put my finger on why to tell him, after a few events where I found myself not desiring his presence and deliberately hadn't invited him. I'd peg what's missing as vulnerability. Alcohol lowers one's social filters and inhibitions, of course. All the rest of a drinking group is participating in that shared experience, of letting inner thoughts and feelings be more exposed. The risk of saying or doing something one might later regret is part of the thrill. "Having fun" is the euphemism for allowing others to see that state in you. Some people can naturally achieve that vulnerable "punch-drunk" state without alcohol. Some don't. A person who doesn't inhibits that whole vibe for everyone. You're not a peer, you're a monitor. Doesn't matter if you say you don't care -- the reality is that you will resist getting drawn in to whatever excesses are happening, and everyone will perceive that resistance and themselves adjust for it. Your presence of not mutually participating in the vulnerability drags down the vibe for everyone. It's not exactly the alcohol, it's the state of mind, but of course there is a correlation. Of course this depends a lot on the nature of the social group. A college fraternity will just plow ahead and ignore that resistance. A country club probably has everyone acting restrained enough so as not to clash with one more reluctant personality. But there are those in-between groups, with social barriers high enough to exist but low enough to be pierced by alcohol, and the presence of a nondrinker acts against that piercing that the participants seek.
- btrettel 8y ago
  Thanks, I think a lack of vulnerability is a useful perspective to understand some of what I've experienced. Typically the people who seem concerned that I'm not drinking don't know me well.
  - btrettel 8y ago
    Additionally, I want to emphasize that it's important to not write off a non-drinking friend simply because they don't seem to be opening up in the way you want. I find at least some drinkers seem to write me off in all social situations based only on those that involve drinking. If that's not the way to get to know someone, try another way. Also, if it really is about opening up and not drinking, tell that to your non-drinking friend!

hmate9 8y ago

From my experience people are not concerned about me not drinking, but rather they’re extremely surprised that such a thing exists and want to know the reason why. The answer “because I enjoy myself without it and I don’t want to get drunk” only gets accepted about 50% of the time. The other 50% people start speculating odd reasons as to why I’m not drinking :)

btrettel 8y ago
Yes, I'm often asked about why too. I used to be bothered by this because (like you) I'd find that people often don't accept my answers. Right now I don't give a clear answer (e.g. Q: "Why don't you drink?" A: "Because I don't want to.") because many people who ask don't seem interested in my reasons beyond using the reasons as an opener for a sales pitch about drinking. E.g., if I say that I don't like the taste, they'll insist that I haven't tried the right drink yet, sometimes going as far as to recommend a particular drink. If someone said they didn't like mayonnaise it would be particularly weird for someone else to insist that they try a particular type of mayonnaise, but the same logic apparently doesn't apply for drinking. There's also the problem that many drinkers believe non-drinkers judge them, and I feel that if I gave some of my reasons, the drinkers would feel judged.

magashna 8y ago

If people are asking you if you're having fun its because you're showing you're not. Grab a sprite and say it's a G&T and enjoy yourself.

jryan49 8y ago
I've had the same experience. I really think some people feel awkward if there is someone not drinking like it's some sort of tacit disapproval of their actions.
btrettel 8y ago
> its because you're showing you're not. Grab a sprite and say it's a G&T and enjoy yourself. So the way to look like I'm enjoying myself is to fake drinking? At first I thought you might be suggesting that I look depressed or whatnot, but now I'm not certain. I will say that no, I don't think I look down.

T-hawk 8y ago

I recently had experiences with a regular social group that demonstrated this. It's a group that drinks regularly except for two people who don't. One always feels like he fits in fine, while the other's presence always stuck out as not fitting in. I had to put my finger on why to tell him, after a few events where I found myself not desiring his presence and deliberately hadn't invited him. I'd peg what's missing as vulnerability. Alcohol lowers one's social filters and inhibitions, of course. All the rest of a drinking group is participating in that shared experience, of letting inner thoughts and feelings be more exposed. The risk of saying or doing something one might later regret is part of the thrill. "Having fun" is the euphemism for allowing others to see that state in you. Some people can naturally achieve that vulnerable "punch-drunk" state without alcohol. Some don't. A person who doesn't inhibits that whole vibe for everyone. You're not a peer, you're a monitor. Doesn't matter if you say you don't care -- the reality is that you will resist getting drawn in to whatever excesses are happening, and everyone will perceive that resistance and themselves adjust for it. Your presence of not mutually participating in the vulnerability drags down the vibe for everyone. It's not exactly the alcohol, it's the state of mind, but of course there is a correlation. Of course this depends a lot on the nature of the social group. A college fraternity will just plow ahead and ignore that resistance. A country club probably has everyone acting restrained enough so as not to clash with one more reluctant personality. But there are those in-between groups, with social barriers high enough to exist but low enough to be pierced by alcohol, and the presence of a nondrinker acts against that piercing that the participants seek.

btrettel 8y ago
Thanks, I think a lack of vulnerability is a useful perspective to understand some of what I've experienced. Typically the people who seem concerned that I'm not drinking don't know me well.
- btrettel 8y ago
  Additionally, I want to emphasize that it's important to not write off a non-drinking friend simply because they don't seem to be opening up in the way you want. I find at least some drinkers seem to write me off in all social situations based only on those that involve drinking. If that's not the way to get to know someone, try another way. Also, if it really is about opening up and not drinking, tell that to your non-drinking friend!