5 ms·

> The men aren't doing great either but that's because they're expected to succeed and are given a disproportionate amount of work. We're expected to fail... h

by mjfl 8y ago

> The men aren't doing great either but that's because they're expected to succeed and are given a disproportionate amount of work. We're expected to fail... how can you be so dismissive of men? I am a physics graduate student and I spend literally every waking minute of my life in lab. It's really embarrassing to admit, but it's been 3 years since I've had sex or had a social life outside of lab. This is self-imposed - I'm chasing a dream, but surely 3 years of complete isolation, devoid of intimacy of any kind can at least compare to being "left out of meetings"? also as a Phd student you shouldn't expect to be "given work". You make research proposals and execute them, no?

Balgair 8y ago
Hey man, as a former STEMy grad student to a current one: Take care of yourself first. Academia is a lot of things, but Feynman's era is long gone, the golden age of physics is in the past now. I don't know you, and I don't know your situation. But I have known a lot of people that may be like you, and I have know a lot of situations that may be like yours. Generally, these days, grad school isn't about the work, it about the network. If you want to stay in the ivory tower, networking is your job. If you want to get out and do something else, go through the classes and just learn that stuff. Get the experience, but do not put your soul in this, you will not find the rewards you are looking for in a lab. Hell is other people, yes, but so is Heaven. From this teeny-tiny bit of a comment that you left, almost nothing to reasonably go on really, it sounds like you need to get out of the lab. It sounds like you want a partner, a girl/boyfriend, and you should probably do that, and it is ok to do that. Save the python script, put down the polarizer, go to ask someone to a dinner. If your advisor freaks, so be it, they aren't a person that you should be trusting if they don't hold your well being above the work. Do not put your advisor's career first, put yourself first. It's ok to do that.
- mjfl 8y ago
  Yeah, I understand what you are saying. I have a long break scheduled for the end of June where I hope to step back and get a look at the bigger picture...
sodepressed 8y ago
> I am a physics graduate student and I spend literally every waking minute of my life in lab. It's really embarrassing to admit, but it's been 3 years since I've had sex or had a social life outside of lab. This is self-imposed - I'm chasing a dream, but surely 3 years of complete isolation, devoid of intimacy of any kind can at least compare to being "left out of meetings"? Woah there. Your lack of sex is NOT my problem. And you're also describing almost exactly my experience in grad school, for most of my time there. Get out of the lab. Make some friends and blow off some steam. Maybe hire a sex worker, if that's such a priority for you. The situation at my company is ridiculous. Men are literally being assigned to do work on the very topic of my PhD thesis. They're bewildered by the complexity, and the smart ones come to me for help. The others just wing it, and get shit results quickly. I'm not a PhD student. I have a PhD and a decade of professional experience. I make research proposals and they're silently handed to men, and I'm kept out of the loop until they get stuck and drop a stinking-hot emergency in my lap. My proposals include reasonable research outlooks and timelines. But they ignore my expertise and expect me to produce 6 months of research in a week. Which could be entirely avoided by inviting the subject expert to meetings about the research she kicked off. My point about the overworked men is that they're working hard but not smart, while I'm under-utilized. We'd all be happier, the company would be more successful, if I was kept in the loop. Sexism is bad for everyone, oddly enough.
- mjfl 8y ago
  Wow... I never said it was your problem, in fact I mentioned that my problems were "self-imposed". I simply stated that I have problems that exist as well, with comparable, or worse severity to yours, despite being male. I asked how you could so easily dismiss these problems. You then promptly dismissed my problems. Maybe people don't want to work with you because you have no social skills. Also the solution to your problems is a lot less drastic than “hire a sex worker”, it’s doing the more common action of leaving your job.
  - icebraining 8y ago
    Maybe the response wasn't great, but "what about men" can get tiring to hear every single time anyone says something that non-exclusively affects women.

by mjfl 8y ago

Balgair 8y ago

Hey man, as a former STEMy grad student to a current one: Take care of yourself first. Academia is a lot of things, but Feynman's era is long gone, the golden age of physics is in the past now. I don't know you, and I don't know your situation. But I have known a lot of people that may be like you, and I have know a lot of situations that may be like yours. Generally, these days, grad school isn't about the work, it about the network. If you want to stay in the ivory tower, networking is your job. If you want to get out and do something else, go through the classes and just learn that stuff. Get the experience, but do not put your soul in this, you will not find the rewards you are looking for in a lab. Hell is other people, yes, but so is Heaven. From this teeny-tiny bit of a comment that you left, almost nothing to reasonably go on really, it sounds like you need to get out of the lab. It sounds like you want a partner, a girl/boyfriend, and you should probably do that, and it is ok to do that. Save the python script, put down the polarizer, go to ask someone to a dinner. If your advisor freaks, so be it, they aren't a person that you should be trusting if they don't hold your well being above the work. Do not put your advisor's career first, put yourself first. It's ok to do that.

mjfl 8y ago
Yeah, I understand what you are saying. I have a long break scheduled for the end of June where I hope to step back and get a look at the bigger picture...

sodepressed 8y ago

> I am a physics graduate student and I spend literally every waking minute of my life in lab. It's really embarrassing to admit, but it's been 3 years since I've had sex or had a social life outside of lab. This is self-imposed - I'm chasing a dream, but surely 3 years of complete isolation, devoid of intimacy of any kind can at least compare to being "left out of meetings"? Woah there. Your lack of sex is NOT my problem. And you're also describing almost exactly my experience in grad school, for most of my time there. Get out of the lab. Make some friends and blow off some steam. Maybe hire a sex worker, if that's such a priority for you. The situation at my company is ridiculous. Men are literally being assigned to do work on the very topic of my PhD thesis. They're bewildered by the complexity, and the smart ones come to me for help. The others just wing it, and get shit results quickly. I'm not a PhD student. I have a PhD and a decade of professional experience. I make research proposals and they're silently handed to men, and I'm kept out of the loop until they get stuck and drop a stinking-hot emergency in my lap. My proposals include reasonable research outlooks and timelines. But they ignore my expertise and expect me to produce 6 months of research in a week. Which could be entirely avoided by inviting the subject expert to meetings about the research she kicked off. My point about the overworked men is that they're working hard but not smart, while I'm under-utilized. We'd all be happier, the company would be more successful, if I was kept in the loop. Sexism is bad for everyone, oddly enough.

mjfl 8y ago
Wow... I never said it was your problem, in fact I mentioned that my problems were "self-imposed". I simply stated that I have problems that exist as well, with comparable, or worse severity to yours, despite being male. I asked how you could so easily dismiss these problems. You then promptly dismissed my problems. Maybe people don't want to work with you because you have no social skills. Also the solution to your problems is a lot less drastic than “hire a sex worker”, it’s doing the more common action of leaving your job.
- icebraining 8y ago
  Maybe the response wasn't great, but "what about men" can get tiring to hear every single time anyone says something that non-exclusively affects women.