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Sometimes I feel that it can be a lucrative trap to become invested in a single person, and then accumulate expectations that far outweigh the responsible oblig

by RickS 7y ago

Sometimes I feel that it can be a lucrative trap to become invested in a single person, and then accumulate expectations that far outweigh the responsible obligations of any friendship. As I have gotten older, a pattern that is working much better for me is the campfire model - I just try to keep a metaphorical campfire going, for people traveling through this life to stop and warm themselves upon while I tend it. I cannot know which direction people are traveling from, or to, or how long their journey has been or will be. But all people need to warm their calloused hands and feet, and I can keep this fire with a bed of rosy coals. Sometimes someone will stop at my fire and warm themselves without my ever having paid attention, but to them it may have meant all the difference in the world. By keeping this obligation in mind, to simply expect people to need a place to sit a spell, I can at least believe I am helping. The campfire is a nice way for me to remember we're all suffering, that not a one of us is unique to loneliness. Because sometimes that person who sits down at your fire is the person you have been waiting for, and only by making a seat for them were you able to ever meet. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18536601 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18536601

zemvpferreira 7y ago
Thank you, I really enjoyed the original discussion. I’ve often been thinking of time distribution and personal CRMs lately. It’s very easy to fall in the trap of spending all your time with a significant other - and find out years after that all your relationships are ghosts of their former selves. I see that in my parents: at 70 they might have 10 people between them that they care about and see more than twice a year. How sad is that in a marriage that hasn’t gone well for two decades? But the campfire analogy is so bleak, so distant from other people. I don’t have a neat visual for it but what I would like is to spend quality time with a core group of 10-20 people per week, good times with another 20 every month, and see another 100-200 every year at least (mostly family). Is anyone managing a schedule like that?
- chirau 7y ago
  Unless you are including large group gatherings like parties and reunions, meeting 100-200 other people you know is by no means an easy task. I'd say, for me, almost impossible at the moment.
  - samschooler 7y ago
    I think they actually mean maintaining a relationship with 100-200 people (can be existing contacts) not necessarily create new relationships.
- darkmighty 7y ago
  I agree, that analogy seems a bit excessive. A little afraid of commitment and building deep connections and deep joys. I mean, there's the phenomenon of building over-expectations on someone else and becoming excessive in trying to monopolize their attention (although I believe it's mostly only a problem when not reciprocal). Let's not go the other extreme though. When no one can really connect and trust someone else, you're just sharing a moment of warmth in the vast darkness... I have some friends that understand me very deeply, and that I also understand very deeply. Spending time with them and talking I feel like discovering the same things they did. And then I try to cultivate friendships with people quite different then me (but that I admire of course). This is to not be caught in a bubble thinking my field is all there is in the universe ... ( Funnily enough any field can suffer from that -- Your field Technology? It is the structure that supports everything; Your field is Language? It is the medium that underlies all thoughts; Your field is Mathematics? ... ) Overall it shouldn't be about number of friends, but about being able to share deep (in the sense that you both really capture what's being shared), good things (feelings, emotions, lessons, etc) as much as possible. If you feel you're having that you're in the right path.
- wmeredith 7y ago
  If you were to hang out with 10-20 core people every week, that would be very unusual. Most people have 3-5 close personal relationships. https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-many-friends-do-you-need/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-many-friends-do-you-need/

by RickS 7y ago

zemvpferreira 7y ago

Thank you, I really enjoyed the original discussion. I’ve often been thinking of time distribution and personal CRMs lately. It’s very easy to fall in the trap of spending all your time with a significant other - and find out years after that all your relationships are ghosts of their former selves. I see that in my parents: at 70 they might have 10 people between them that they care about and see more than twice a year. How sad is that in a marriage that hasn’t gone well for two decades? But the campfire analogy is so bleak, so distant from other people. I don’t have a neat visual for it but what I would like is to spend quality time with a core group of 10-20 people per week, good times with another 20 every month, and see another 100-200 every year at least (mostly family). Is anyone managing a schedule like that?

chirau 7y ago
Unless you are including large group gatherings like parties and reunions, meeting 100-200 other people you know is by no means an easy task. I'd say, for me, almost impossible at the moment.
- samschooler 7y ago
  I think they actually mean maintaining a relationship with 100-200 people (can be existing contacts) not necessarily create new relationships.
darkmighty 7y ago
I agree, that analogy seems a bit excessive. A little afraid of commitment and building deep connections and deep joys. I mean, there's the phenomenon of building over-expectations on someone else and becoming excessive in trying to monopolize their attention (although I believe it's mostly only a problem when not reciprocal). Let's not go the other extreme though. When no one can really connect and trust someone else, you're just sharing a moment of warmth in the vast darkness... I have some friends that understand me very deeply, and that I also understand very deeply. Spending time with them and talking I feel like discovering the same things they did. And then I try to cultivate friendships with people quite different then me (but that I admire of course). This is to not be caught in a bubble thinking my field is all there is in the universe ... ( Funnily enough any field can suffer from that -- Your field Technology? It is the structure that supports everything; Your field is Language? It is the medium that underlies all thoughts; Your field is Mathematics? ... ) Overall it shouldn't be about number of friends, but about being able to share deep (in the sense that you both really capture what's being shared), good things (feelings, emotions, lessons, etc) as much as possible. If you feel you're having that you're in the right path.
wmeredith 7y ago
If you were to hang out with 10-20 core people every week, that would be very unusual. Most people have 3-5 close personal relationships. https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-many-friends-do-you-need/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-many-friends-do-you-need/