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I couldn't agree more with this. It's long been a pet peeve of mine, and I get irrationally infuriated when it happens. It makes me passive-aggressive, too; I t

I couldn't agree more with this. It's long been a pet peeve of mine, and I get irrationally infuriated when it happens. It makes me passive-aggressive, too; I tend to completely ignore messages that are a simple "Hello", or "Can I ask you a question?" You've now interrupted me and wasted my time, so I'm going to waste yours by not replying. If it's important, the person will eventually just ask. There's a cultural component to this as well. I've worked with people from a few cultures where their norms dictate that smalltalk and pleasantries be exchanged before getting down to business, so sometimes it's even worse than simply "Hello" or "Can I ask a question?" Sometimes they want to go through the whole rigmarole of "How are you?" as well. Sorry, but in my culture, we get to the damn point, because the most polite thing to do is to interrupt me only if necessary and consume as little of my time as is required. We're not friends, we're coworkers. You're sending me a message because we're interacting to some business end. The most polite thing to do is to optimize the transaction and move on. If you want to chit-chat, I'd be happy to join you for lunch.

notimetorelax 8y ago
I see you're adding a fair amount of your own cultural bias, which you do recognize. You also recognize that there are other cultures where poeple value small talk. The best solution might be to be inclusive and meet in the middle: - Hi - Hi, how are you? How can I help? - <here they can quickly reply how they are and ask the question> WDYT?
- GordonS 8y ago
  Firstly, the first "Hi" is a distraction, and pressure to respond without know the urgency, or anything else about what the issue is. Secondly, and assuming this is a random co-worker rather than a friend, why is "how are you?" in the response when you don't actually care, and possibly don't even know the person?
  - notimetorelax 8y ago
    Again, you interpret everything through your prism. Sometimes it’s worth to be more empathetic and just go with it. This book taught me to value my cultural norms less and be more accepting of others: “The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business”
    - caymanjim 8y ago
      Why is it that Americans are supposed to bend their cultural norms to accept others in the workplace, and at the same time, while working abroad, are supposed to fully adopt the culture norms of someone else's workplace? This is never a clear-cut, all-or-nothing scenario, but I don't think I should have to accept all the baggage that someone brings with them. If I'm living or working overseas (which I've done), I'm happy to adopt local rituals and norms (or go through the motions when I disagree). I expect others to do the same when they come to my country.
      - notimetorelax 8y ago
        I think all parties should be working towards better understanding of each other. It's a fallacy to expect others (no matter what side) to behave completely within the norms of another culture, we will be always tone deaf to some nuances. E.g. in the chapter on feedback the author writes that it's very dangerous to try to simulate German or Dutch directness during criticism, so even when working with Dutch or German it's best to keep within the limits of your own upbrigning. This is why I suggested to adapt response depending on the signal, if you see someone pinging you with "Hi" the most productive thing is to be accepting. After helping them, you can always educate the other person to ask the question directly. P.S. I'm not american, don't leave in US, don't work in US. This is a universal problem of any multi-cultural or even single-culture multi-background environment.
        GordonS 8y ago
        > After helping them, you can always educate the other person to ask the question directly For some reason, I've never actually considered that. I guess it might be tricky to word without seeming rude, but is totally doable. Only issue (for me personally) is that I work for a faceless megacorp that employs > 250k people, so I'd need to do rather a lot of educating :)
DoreenMichele 8y ago
In addition to cultural norms, there are gender norms. In most cultures, women get trained to be all touchy-feely and they get a lot of social expectation to be all touchy-feely. It often winds up being abused by people just seeking to get their own emotional needs met completely for free and seems to either never be of professional benefit to the woman or to actually undermine her professionally. I am still trying to figure out how to effectively navigate this issue. Women who try to be professional are often given a lot of flak for being "cold and bitchy" or similar. But doing the warm, friendly social stuff so often expected for women literally does not pay off. There are also class issues. Behavior that I spent most of my life seeing as simply polite gets interpreted differently depending upon both the social class of the person to whom I am speaking and also how they perceive me, especially with regards to if they think they are "better" than me/ "one of my betters." Two people who are both upper class will both be polite to each other and also genuinely respect the other person. Unfortunately, in many cases, if they bother to be polite to someone they see as beneath them, it is often quite superficial and does not involve any degree of genuine respect nor caring. So, for example, it will not lead to deal making, opening doors professionally for the lower class individual, etc. -- even in cases where they know the lower class person has a skill of value to them and pertinent to their project.

notimetorelax 8y ago

I see you're adding a fair amount of your own cultural bias, which you do recognize. You also recognize that there are other cultures where poeple value small talk. The best solution might be to be inclusive and meet in the middle: - Hi - Hi, how are you? How can I help? - <here they can quickly reply how they are and ask the question> WDYT?

GordonS 8y ago
Firstly, the first "Hi" is a distraction, and pressure to respond without know the urgency, or anything else about what the issue is. Secondly, and assuming this is a random co-worker rather than a friend, why is "how are you?" in the response when you don't actually care, and possibly don't even know the person?
- notimetorelax 8y ago
  Again, you interpret everything through your prism. Sometimes it’s worth to be more empathetic and just go with it. This book taught me to value my cultural norms less and be more accepting of others: “The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business”
  - caymanjim 8y ago
    Why is it that Americans are supposed to bend their cultural norms to accept others in the workplace, and at the same time, while working abroad, are supposed to fully adopt the culture norms of someone else's workplace? This is never a clear-cut, all-or-nothing scenario, but I don't think I should have to accept all the baggage that someone brings with them. If I'm living or working overseas (which I've done), I'm happy to adopt local rituals and norms (or go through the motions when I disagree). I expect others to do the same when they come to my country.
    - notimetorelax 8y ago
      I think all parties should be working towards better understanding of each other. It's a fallacy to expect others (no matter what side) to behave completely within the norms of another culture, we will be always tone deaf to some nuances. E.g. in the chapter on feedback the author writes that it's very dangerous to try to simulate German or Dutch directness during criticism, so even when working with Dutch or German it's best to keep within the limits of your own upbrigning. This is why I suggested to adapt response depending on the signal, if you see someone pinging you with "Hi" the most productive thing is to be accepting. After helping them, you can always educate the other person to ask the question directly. P.S. I'm not american, don't leave in US, don't work in US. This is a universal problem of any multi-cultural or even single-culture multi-background environment.
      - GordonS 8y ago
        > After helping them, you can always educate the other person to ask the question directly For some reason, I've never actually considered that. I guess it might be tricky to word without seeming rude, but is totally doable. Only issue (for me personally) is that I work for a faceless megacorp that employs > 250k people, so I'd need to do rather a lot of educating :)

DoreenMichele 8y ago

In addition to cultural norms, there are gender norms. In most cultures, women get trained to be all touchy-feely and they get a lot of social expectation to be all touchy-feely. It often winds up being abused by people just seeking to get their own emotional needs met completely for free and seems to either never be of professional benefit to the woman or to actually undermine her professionally. I am still trying to figure out how to effectively navigate this issue. Women who try to be professional are often given a lot of flak for being "cold and bitchy" or similar. But doing the warm, friendly social stuff so often expected for women literally does not pay off. There are also class issues. Behavior that I spent most of my life seeing as simply polite gets interpreted differently depending upon both the social class of the person to whom I am speaking and also how they perceive me, especially with regards to if they think they are "better" than me/ "one of my betters." Two people who are both upper class will both be polite to each other and also genuinely respect the other person. Unfortunately, in many cases, if they bother to be polite to someone they see as beneath them, it is often quite superficial and does not involve any degree of genuine respect nor caring. So, for example, it will not lead to deal making, opening doors professionally for the lower class individual, etc. -- even in cases where they know the lower class person has a skill of value to them and pertinent to their project.